Typical views of in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

But it should be important to put effort into having a relationship with them. They are the parents of your spouse and the grandparents of your future children. And I absolutely guarantee that you will be observing and appraising anyone who your child brings home. It is instinctual.

[Anonymous]

FIL has narcissistic tendencies and his comments are either building you up or“negging” comments about weight, job, parenting. He will also do things to slightly piss you off and then apologize profusely for it later. Because of this, BIL has been estranged from FIL for the last 10 years. Now, FIL becomes a bigger jerk during the holidays because he is not invited to certain dinners because BIL will be there. I try to write off FIL as crazy so I don’t get upset about his words/actions. Luckily he is not really pushy about seeing us doing the holidays so I’m only around him for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

I feel like seeing both my parents and my IL’s is a chore/obligation LOL. I think it’s easier when you live close because it’s easier to build a relationship, see each other for a few hours more often, etc. vs. when you live further away and the visits have to be longer and more involved. Unfortunately we live a long car ride/short plane trip from the IL’s and an even longer car ride/still fairly short plane trip from my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like seeing both my parents and my IL’s is a chore/obligation LOL. I think it’s easier when you live close because it’s easier to build a relationship, see each other for a few hours more often, etc. vs. when you live further away and the visits have to be longer and more involved. Unfortunately we live a long car ride/short plane trip from the IL’s and an even longer car ride/still fairly short plane trip from my parents.

OP here - agree. The in-laws are a plane ride away so when they come visit, they stay for over a week and suddenly it’s seeing them 24/7 for days when I haven’t seen them in ages. And they don’t get a hotel and don’t even go sightseeing/do their own thing. They’re just with us constantly. It’s a lot to deal with. I sometimes wonder if I would mind them less if they were nearby and we saw them in small doses. I wouldn’t “love” them still but might tolerate them better.

[Anonymous]

I used to love my IL, until my MIL developed a dementia. Now it’s very different experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my in-laws! I know they don’t agree with me on all facets of parenting but they are very kind, loving and generous.

+1. And DH loves my parents. Win-win. Honestly, I had never heard the trope about people not loving their in-laws until I found DCUM, because everyone in my extended family has always become just part of the family. Gatherings include all the inlaws and their inlaws and whoever else drops by. Like my BIL's sister and her boyfriend du jour will show up at our family Thanksgiving. All good.

My family is very welcoming. Growing up all of my friends gathered at my house and it's the same today with my kids. My in-laws are SO clannish and bizarrely mean and judgmental. I wish they were more like my family. We tried including BIL and MIL early on but MIL was awful so we stopped.

[Anonymous]

I despise my MIL, but kind of like my FIL. It's 50/50 in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

But it should be important to put effort into having a relationship with them. They are the parents of your spouse and the grandparents of your future children. And I absolutely guarantee that you will be observing and appraising anyone who your child brings home. It is instinctual.

When did I say otherwise? You’re making points against things I did not say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird to expect a 30something, successful, independent person to automatically adore and feel close to a couple they’ve met a half dozen times (at most) before their wedding. Like all of a sudden this 60something couple you may have spent time with for about 12 days (visits all put together) is “family, and don’t you dare act like they’re not family.” Like, OK, give it a minute.

Especially when these are some 60somethings that are openly judging/observing/appraising you, are probably bossing you around and offering unsolicited advice to some degree, and feel entitled to share their opinion at every turn.

You sound like a peach.

FWIW, my son has been dating his girlfriend for a bit over a year, and during that time we’ve seen each other at least 10 times - the birthdays, Thanksgiving, an occasional brunch here and there, already more than half a dozen times.

OK? Let us know when they’re engaged.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are respectful and don't make any assumption. I have no problem with them. My parents are the opposite, especially my mother