DH needs rehab but I have doubts

[Anonymous]

Please go to Al-Anon, OP.

From what you've described, he wants to cut back only enough to stay married. Is that enough for you?

He is not a functional alcoholic if your marriage is suffering and you are on the brink of divorce. Having your family life fall apart does not equal functioning. The term is a crutch/excuse used by alcoholics--I still have my job, how bad can it be?

Good luck OP, I hope you find some peace soon.

[Anonymous]

Has a professional diagnosed him as having addiction issues? If not, can you get a professional involved who can advise your husband and also you as to what next steps would be most helpful for him (and you, also)?

[Anonymous]

Unless he needs detoxing, people can get sober by going to AA and SAA but I have had several friends who do both. He can go after work or online.

"Cutting down" is part of the problem. It works for a while, then doesn't. This pattern can sometimes repeat for a long time, but not forever, and sometimes not even briefly. A person who has no issues never thinks about needing to do this or just does it without having caused problems for others, sort of like if you ate too much during the holidays you eat lightly for a few days. It's not the same for addicts, but a lot of addicts, maybe most, will try cutting down. It's part of the denial that is part of the disease.

You should go to Al-Anon which will help you understand it all better and give you perspective. It will give you tools to plan your own life in the mess and you will meet some great people. I have been a member of both AA and AL Anon and the AL Anons are really great. You need help too, whether or not he avails himself of help or not. 12-Step programs are free.

[Anonymous]

It isnt the inpatient vs outpatient rehab that's the problem. The problem is he completely has to change his life afterwards. Get togethers with friends with no alcohol present, golfing with no alcohol present, work trips where he won't feel like he has to drink, etc etc. Those are the things that make sobriety hard. My brother wanted and tried to get sober for years and would be successful for a month or two after rehab. Then, he would be lonely and miss his friends whose get togethers would all center around alcohol and he would eventually relapse. It took moving to a new state and basically creating a new life from scratch for him to maintain sobriety.

I'm not saying it isn't possible for your husband, but it's going to be hard if he just goes back to thr life he has now and tries not to drink.

[Anonymous]

Go to Al Anon and get a divorce. He doesn’t really want to do this. My mom stayed married to this kind of guy and it was a mess. Now she is dead, he is still an alcoholic and none of his kids want anything to do with him.

He didn’t get his first DUI until age 77. It is ridiculous. He drove drunk with his kids in the car regularly.

[Anonymous]

DH is an alcoholic and ex addict. He has been sober from alcohol and drugs for 20 years. His addiction to sex and gambling manifest over the last 10 years. DH did become sexually sober until he hit bottom and knew he had to change or he would lose everything he loved in his life.

This doesn’t get better without a 180. DH started with the prostitutes and affairs while on work travel. He still travels, but life on the road is very different. He comes back to his room at night. No dinners out or hanging in hotel lobbies. He’s attend SA meetings in person and online multiple times a week. He doesn’t converse with women socially. It’s like fire and an addict needs to stay far away from the fire.

We’ve been through a lot. If he doesn’t stay sober I’m walking. Active addiction is not compatible with a health marriage. Your spouse needs to want this himself and put in the work. Half measures will avail him of nothing. It will be the hardest thing he’ll ever do. Individual and couples counseling a must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he want to stop or does he just not want to get divorced? If it’s the latter, it probably won’t help much.

To the other poster about escorts, etc. I've discovered (by snooping) some very questionable activity but nothing is concrete. The accessibility of sex workers through porn these days is scary and way too easy to get away with. I've tested a couple times/year for STDs and thankfully nothing came up.

Please stop having sexual contact with him if you haven't already.

It takes 5 minutes to create a burner Google voice number and email that gets calls routed undetected to your existing cell. Browsing sites can be done without a trace through incognito mode in Chrome. The fact that it's this easy, and he STILL left evidence makes it far more likely than not that he has crossed that threshold, probably in combination with alcohol.

If he has done this, the thrill seeking and poor impulse control caused by his addictions make it very likely he didn't use condoms. Exposing you to hepatitis, cancer causing strains of HPV, and HIV, which can silently run its course in your body for months before you appear symptomatic. Wives contract these diseases every day in situations just like yours.

The alcoholism is almost an aside to the fact that you cannot trust him to keep your body safe anymore. Wives with safe husbands don't have to secretly screen themselves for disease.
Whatever you do with your legal marriage status, I don't think this man is salvageable as a life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he want to stop or does he just not want to get divorced? If it’s the latter, it probably won’t help much.

Yes, It's more the latter, he doesn't want to divorce. He has said he wants to "cut back" but doesn't see that he truly has a problem. The inpatient rehab he is looking into is a result of me telling him he needs rehab if he doesn't want to divorce.

I guess this is really where my struggle is. He doesn't really "want" to get better and quit. As mentioned above, drinking is a huge part of his lifestyle and he likes it just the way it is. But he's looking into outpatient to stay together.

To the other poster about escorts, etc. I've discovered (by snooping) some very questionable activity but nothing is concrete. The accessibility of sex workers through porn these days is scary and way too easy to get away with. I've tested a couple times/year for STDs and thankfully nothing came up.

I could have written this post myself, minus the porn addiction. Mine is a highly functioning alcoholic who is also on Adderall and who knows what else. Every aspect of his life involves drinking--at home by himself, at work, with his extended family. He denies he has any problem and tells me that I'm the one with the issue. I've tried everything, even marriage counseling, and I realize I just gave up a long time ago. I'm tired of living where I'm constantly on eggshells. We are separated and divorcing. I can't live my life like this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isnt the inpatient vs outpatient rehab that's the problem. The problem is he completely has to change his life afterwards. Get togethers with friends with no alcohol present, golfing with no alcohol present, work trips where he won't feel like he has to drink, etc etc. Those are the things that make sobriety hard. My brother wanted and tried to get sober for years and would be successful for a month or two after rehab. Then, he would be lonely and miss his friends whose get togethers would all center around alcohol and he would eventually relapse. It took moving to a new state and basically creating a new life from scratch for him to maintain sobriety.

I'm not saying it isn't possible for your husband, but it's going to be hard if he just goes back to thr life he has now and tries not to drink.

Thanks - this sounds like the exact path he will be on. Moving and starting over isn't an option for several reasons (mainly personal/aging parents with illnesses). He's an extremely social person who thrives in a setting with friends/fun and drinking. We've been married 15 years and it's become obvious this is just who he is.

Checking out Al-Anon

[Anonymous]

In my experience with alcoholics (which unfortunately is many in my family of origin), the ONLY way they can/will change is if they TRULY want to. Typically this happens once they've hit rock bottom. In my experience, the functional alcoholics are the hardest to change because well they're functioning on some level and don't have that intense slap in the face of loss or devastation to fuel their sobriety. Just keep yourself semi sane but knowing that no amount of wishing, praying, willing or nagging him to change will work. The ball is completely in his court.

[Anonymous]

Do you have an individual counselor for yourself, OP? If not, I really encourage you to find one, especially one that is familiar with addiction.

About a year into our relationship, it became apparent that my now-DH had a drinking problem. Addiction is rife in my family of origin, I'd worked really hard to get it away from it and I was unwilling to allow it back in. So, we broke up and, conveniently, I moved out of the area for about a year. During that year I was away, now-DH did a lot of work on himself, he went to AA and stopped drinking. We started dating again when I moved back and soon moved in together. We started seeing a relationship counselor because we were having some communication issues (we loved each other very much but couldn't figure out why we were arguing so much). In addition to helping us see how my family issues were impacting our relationship, the counselor helped now-DH see he was suffering from depression. He began his own counseling after that as well as started medication. DH was also later diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety.

We've been together nearly 30 years and have experienced a lot of DH's "cycling". There's a vicious negative feedback loop with the ADHD/depression/anxiety that when any one of them are not well controlled, the others are likely to spiral as well. When that happens, DH is prone to addictive behaviors - porn, tobacco, alcohol, food, etc. I actually don't think DH is an addict as much as a self-medicator. When his mental health disorders are controlled/managed, he has no problem regulating his 'vices'. We've talked extensively about this because, as I understand it, quitting tobacco is one of the hardest things to do. Yet, when he, once again, gets on track with managing his mental health, he can just drop tobacco - no problem. Something to keep in mind as your hsuband goes through tis. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isnt the inpatient vs outpatient rehab that's the problem. The problem is he completely has to change his life afterwards. Get togethers with friends with no alcohol present, golfing with no alcohol present, work trips where he won't feel like he has to drink, etc etc. Those are the things that make sobriety hard. My brother wanted and tried to get sober for years and would be successful for a month or two after rehab. Then, he would be lonely and miss his friends whose get togethers would all center around alcohol and he would eventually relapse. It took moving to a new state and basically creating a new life from scratch for him to maintain sobriety.

I'm not saying it isn't possible for your husband, but it's going to be hard if he just goes back to thr life he has now and tries not to drink.

Thanks - this sounds like the exact path he will be on. Moving and starting over isn't an option for several reasons (mainly personal/aging parents with illnesses). He's an extremely social person who thrives in a setting with friends/fun and drinking. We've been married 15 years and it's become obvious this is just who he is.

Checking out Al-Anon

Given his social life, he would have to want this enough the change everything. And he doesn’t want to change everything. He wants to change “just enough” to keep you from leaving. Then, he will slowly slip back into all his old habits. You will be very angry. Rinse and repeat.

My husband and I are huge extroverts with very active social lives that involve almost no alcohol (we maybe average one drink a month). But we have lots of friends that don’t drink at all or don’t drink much. Over the years, we have definitely opted out of the groups where getting drunk is the norm. Don’t get me wrong, I partied a lot back in the day, but I am not interested in being around wasted people in my 50s. We are happy with our set of friends that come over and have one glass of wine or a beer or nothing. But this has been a deliberate life choice over the years. And a choice your hsuband seems unlikely to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isnt the inpatient vs outpatient rehab that's the problem. The problem is he completely has to change his life afterwards. Get togethers with friends with no alcohol present, golfing with no alcohol present, work trips where he won't feel like he has to drink, etc etc. Those are the things that make sobriety hard. My brother wanted and tried to get sober for years and would be successful for a month or two after rehab. Then, he would be lonely and miss his friends whose get togethers would all center around alcohol and he would eventually relapse. It took moving to a new state and basically creating a new life from scratch for him to maintain sobriety.

I'm not saying it isn't possible for your husband, but it's going to be hard if he just goes back to thr life he has now and tries not to drink.

Thanks - this sounds like the exact path he will be on. Moving and starting over isn't an option for several reasons (mainly personal/aging parents with illnesses). He's an extremely social person who thrives in a setting with friends/fun and drinking. We've been married 15 years and it's become obvious this is just who he is.

Checking out Al-Anon

You said it. This is key, and it's 100% true. In my marriage, I was the one with the alcohol addiction, and I didn't kick it until I was really "ready" to. I put ready in quotes because for me it came to a point where I found myself thinking more and more that it was the bottle or my life. But before that I had lied and disappointed everyone close to me. If I had had a large social life and social circle that revolved around alcohol it would have been really hard. And I don't think inpatient rehab would have made a difference.

But an even bigger issue is the cheating/sex workers and porn. I agree with the PP that said you should not remain in a relationship with a man who makes you unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should divorce him. Addiction = Divorce. It should be that simple.

+10000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Look at the intensive outpatient at Kolmac in DC. We were in your shoes and this was a good start for my spouse.