DH needs rehab but I have doubts

[Anonymous]

DH has addiction issues - alcohol & sex (porn) mainly, and prescription meds when stress/anxiety is high. He's messed up big time on several occasions due to the abuse. (he's admitted this).

He needs rehab and said he'll look into outpatient but refuses inpatient. I don't see how this will work because almost every fabric of his daily life revolves around booze. Work trips/events, time with friends, golfing and drinking after, his family are all big drinkers, etc etc. (He's a functioning alcoholic with a successful career). Our marriage has suffered and we are on the brink of divorce and this is the last shot at making it better. (two kids)

Unfortunately I don't see this working for him long-term. I've been supportive and optimistic towards him about rehab but have doubts that I can share anonymously here Has anyone had success with rehab for people who desperately need it but are reluctant?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it takes a DUI or worse for alcoholics to get court ordered help.

[Anonymous]

I’ve known six people that have turned their lives around by going to 30 meetings in 30 days; then it was 90 meetings in 90 days and all of a sudden they’ve got a year of sobriety under their belt.

There are AA meetings pretty much around the clock tucked away in basements of churches, elks clubs and even schools after hours. I’ve known a number of people that did inpatient and completely fell apart within two months of leaving the facility, they fall into a routine when theyre locked up in a safe place but it can be really hard to transition back to regular life.

Just the fact that he is admitting there’s an issue and considering treatment is huge and sounds promising.

You should join Al-Anon, get a therapist who knows about substance abuse and get a real plan together that holds him accountable for his recovery.

[Anonymous]

I was randomly just googling “intensive outpatient programs” and it looks like they have evidentiary support for treating addiction where there are not severe behavioral/medical issues that require in-patient. But no treatment is going to work if he doesn’t admit he has a problem and doesn’t have any motivation to change.

[Anonymous]

Porn addiction plus substance abuse usually adds up to frequenting escorts. Especially the type that you'd never think would do that. It's very easy to hide meetups during the day, like on a lunch break or before a commute. I would get STD testing if you haven't already.

[Anonymous]

Inpatient rehab is not magic. Moreover, if people don't have solid plans in place for when they leave, they can easily return to unhealthy habits. He could do IOP and a lot of other stuff - but only if he wants to. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Does he want to stop or does he just not want to get divorced? If it’s the latter, it probably won’t help much.

[Anonymous]

My BIL had success with outpatient rehab. It's possible. And he had some of the same triggers as your DH- workplace with lots of alcohol, golf/drinking routinely, brothers who are probably alcoholics who he sees all the time.
But BIL also drove the decision to get help and was really motivated. Conversely, an uncle did inpatient but his heart wasn't in it and it was court-ordered, not exactly of his own volition. It didn't go great.

[Anonymous]

You should divorce him. Addiction = Divorce. It should be that simple.

[Anonymous]

I would work with what he is willing to do right now. One step at a time. If it’s not enough and he backslides you talk about more intensive options. Admitting the problem and seeking help is a big hurdle give him some credit.

[Anonymous]

There's no harm in starting with outpatient. There's no quick fix, necessarily.

It's a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he want to stop or does he just not want to get divorced? If it’s the latter, it probably won’t help much.

Yes, It's more the latter, he doesn't want to divorce. He has said he wants to "cut back" but doesn't see that he truly has a problem. The inpatient rehab he is looking into is a result of me telling him he needs rehab if he doesn't want to divorce.

I guess this is really where my struggle is. He doesn't really "want" to get better and quit. As mentioned above, drinking is a huge part of his lifestyle and he likes it just the way it is. But he's looking into outpatient to stay together.

To the other poster about escorts, etc. I've discovered (by snooping) some very questionable activity but nothing is concrete. The accessibility of sex workers through porn these days is scary and way too easy to get away with. I've tested a couple times/year for STDs and thankfully nothing came up.

[Anonymous]

Do you work, OP? Do you have a good support network yourself, family nearby, friends?

Do you have a therapist who has expertise with addiction issues?

I would try Al Anon for you, Alateen if kids are older elementary. Also try coda.org for you.

I would be open to him making changes but building up yourself and your support in case he does not. That is where your power lies, in what you can control, which is YOU.

Did you have a chaotic childhood? Parents who drank or who had mental illness?

[Anonymous]

I'd have him see a psychiatrist who has experience with addiction issues for a workup to screen for bipolar, ADHD and childhood trauma. It's possible to be an alcoholic and porn addict without any of the above, but without treating underlying drivers re: impulsivity and risk taking, if any, not as likely to be successful.

[Anonymous]

^ anxiety too