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[quote=Anonymous]people meet each other where they are. it's also paradoxically true that it can be harder on closer friends to provide ongoing support than it is for more distant friends, because more distant friends are not also spending their emotional resources on their own grief. and the help from more distant friends is more discrete.

a friends spouse committed suicide a month or so before their anniversary. a lot of local friends had rallied in the immediate few weeks, with a meal train and lots of visits-- but she realized that 1) she was not going to be able to get through the anniversary week alone, but 2) also that her local support network was also emotionally drained.

she posted about it, trying to cobble together folks for that week. i looked at flights, they were not too expensive, and applied for telework, and then told her i could be there for the week. this meant that i could be a steady presence all through the week, there would not be any times when she would be completely alone, AND her local folks could come and visit and distract her in smaller chunks.

was this literally lifesaving for her? yes. was it actually a huge lift for me? no. i'd met her spouse a few times, i was very sad for her, but i was not doing my own grieving for him. i was lucky that my job, on east coast time, could be done remotely and i'd only need to take a couple hours of leave a day. were we deeply close friends? also no.

i cannot send holiday cards or birthday cards or thank you cards to save my life. showing up to parties is agonizing. talking on the phone is actively painful. but --need someone to deal with a flat tire when AAA never showed? need someone to help deal with a sudden flood from your ceiling because a pipe burst? need someone to fly out and watch bad tv with you for a week? need someone to sit quietly with your dying spouse without exhausting them or making them feel like they have to "rally"? that i can do. you probably have several of these types of friends, but you haven't yet had to discover how those friends show up differently, because it frequently takes tragedy to illuminate the differences. and it can hurt a lot when one has to redefine closeness, or love, or friendship, when one is already hurting. but it doesn't mean the people who can't show up in the moment aren't friends. they may just not have the reserves for deep tragedy. [/quote]

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