Petty spouse & Christmas present vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the planner from Japan? Because you cannot leave those inserts to chance! Let DS buy you olive oil or pens or something. Do not delegate the planner!

Yes, and it’s not a straightforward one that I can just buy from JetPens so it’s a little bit of extra work to get it. Lesson learned- and also, thank you for understanding my petty vent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the planner from Japan? Because you cannot leave those inserts to chance! Let DS buy you olive oil or pens or something. Do not delegate the planner!

Yes, and it’s not a straightforward one that I can just buy from JetPens so it’s a little bit of extra work to get it. Lesson learned- and also, thank you for understanding my petty vent!

I totally understand. I’m pp and meant you should have DH buy you something generic or fungible and easy to avoid disappointment. I didn’t mean to comment on what “DS” should buy you.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like that too.

He s a spine surgeon but somehow he manages to mess up when it come to this kind of things all the time.
I ve come to conclusions that this kind of thing maybe too difficulty for him, and it’s okay.

OP, do not buy yourself a $2000 bag
Buy a $5-6000. Just got myself 2 of them. ( of course I’m also a surgeon, so using my hard earn money)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb. Just stop with gifts to each other or buy yourself what you want and wrap it. If your relationship is otherwise good, let it go

The problem with our relationship is that he is constantly deciding what should and should not be important to me and throws a hissy fit when I stick up for myself. It’s so subtle that I can’t articulate it to other people, let alone a therapist, but it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

And I’m in the life phase where my child is too little to buy or make a present and my only living older relative is having me buy and wrap presents to be given on her behalf. I just want something tiny to open on Christmas. I know I’m a big baby for saying that but it’s true and I can’t say it anywhere else.

Well the first paragraph is a huge issue. That’s the problem.
But don’t get wrapped up in issues with gifts. I am you but down the road 15 years. I get it. But IMO gift exchanges with adults are dumb if it comes down to just exchanging Amazon links. I treat myself a little when I’m buying for everyone else and have made it about the joy of buying for my kids. Don’t believe the social media of most Dhs buying the perfect presents and getting that ahh moment…it’s not happening for 99.9%.

[Anonymous]

The gift issue is the condensed version of your relationship issue. You did articulate it well! It’s a lot easier to pin your emotions on the gift snafu than the complicated underpinnings of the relationship. Please use this as the warning alarm to get the help and support YOU need to navigate this relationship — by next Christmas things will be different if you start working on yourself now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a jerk. That's such an easyg gift.

This plus the easy solution is to take a sheet and have it duped at any high quality print shop.

[Anonymous]

Gifts are your live language not his.
Try not to get hung up in this and go buy yourself a nice gift.

Gifts are not my love language either and I actually find them stressful and wasteful when we have so much stuff/clutter in our house already. I’ve stopped liking Christmas a few years ago due to the over focus on commercialism.

[Anonymous]

Love language

[Anonymous]

Weird. Why can’t you give your DH a list of things you like? What is the point of having a present if you know what it is and have to dictate it to him? You are giving each other an errand and taking the joy out of finding something special.

[Anonymous]

My husband isn't great at gifts either, but I don't care that much about gifting. He also sometimes disregards my preferences without even communicating that he's doing it. Mostly on minor things, but it drives me nuts. But he doesn't throw a hissy fit when I point it out and acknowledges it. On my side, I make sure I point out when I have a clear preference and when something is a suggestion.

Sorry, OP. The biggest problem here is that he didn't communicate this to you, and he is acting irritated that you are calling him out on this. I'm not sure where you want to go from there. Do you need a yearly re-supply of socks and underwear? Make it easier not to screw up. And therapy about the other stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb. Just stop with gifts to each other or buy yourself what you want and wrap it. If your relationship is otherwise good, let it go

The problem with our relationship is that he is constantly deciding what should and should not be important to me and throws a hissy fit when I stick up for myself. It’s so subtle that I can’t articulate it to other people, let alone a therapist, but it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

And I’m in the life phase where my child is too little to buy or make a present and my only living older relative is having me buy and wrap presents to be given on her behalf. I just want something tiny to open on Christmas. I know I’m a big baby for saying that but it’s true and I can’t say it anywhere else.

Actually, you articulated it very well right here, and a therapist would understand why this bothers you.

It’s probably not a great candidate for couples therapy, but you could do individual therapy to learn how to cope with it, or how to address it.

+1,000

I came to say much the same as this PP says, OP. Start ASAP with individual therapy -- begin looking for a therapist now, because lately it can be difficult to find one with openings, and you may need time to find one who clicks well with you. Start with ones listed on your health insurance list of covered therapists but bee aware you may have to deviate from that list and pay more.

Then, after a while, discuss with your therapist if couples therapy is eventually in order. You DO nail the bigger issue well in your post, OP, so don't denigrate or doubt your own abiliity to see the problem here. It's not planners or socks or having things to open on Christmas Day and you know that. Stop seeing the details and move fast to work on the much more important big picture. You've already got a handle on it.

You have a young child. If your DH already makes it part of daily life to decide what should and should not be important to you, an adult, don't you see that he eventually will do the same thing to your child? Much more easily, too, since your child won't understand what dad's really doing. And then your child will grow up thinking that it's normal for daddy to do this, and normal for mom to tolerate dad having that kind of power over her, and normal for your child to please daddy by letting him decide what matters. This sets up children to repeat parents' mistakes--either dad's mistake of telling others what should matter to them, or mom's mistake of letting it go on. For your kid's sake, not just your own, get outside help in clarifying the problem and then working on it. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. Why can’t you give your DH a list of things you like? What is the point of having a present if you know what it is and have to dictate it to him? You are giving each other an errand and taking the joy out of finding something special.

Because when I gave him a list of multiple things he would buy nothing and later claim it was overwhelming and too hard to decide. That’s why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The gift issue is the condensed version of your relationship issue. You did articulate it well! It’s a lot easier to pin your emotions on the gift snafu than the complicated underpinnings of the relationship. Please use this as the warning alarm to get the help and support YOU need to navigate this relationship — by next Christmas things will be different if you start working on yourself now.

+1

Though let's add that by next Christmas things will be different if BOTH the OP and her clueless DH start working on themselves now. It's not all on OP.

[Anonymous]

I agree with couples counseling.but your husband isn't the only problem her despite you working very hard to seem the victim.

If you want change your going to have to own your part too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn't great at gifts either, but I don't care that much about gifting. He also sometimes disregards my preferences without even communicating that he's doing it. Mostly on minor things, but it drives me nuts. But he doesn't throw a hissy fit when I point it out and acknowledges it. On my side, I make sure I point out when I have a clear preference and when something is a suggestion.

Sorry, OP. The biggest problem here is that he didn't communicate this to you, and he is acting irritated that you are calling him out on this. I'm not sure where you want to go from there. Do you need a yearly re-supply of socks and underwear? Make it easier not to screw up. And therapy about the other stuff

My husband isn't great at it either, and it only bothers me because it makes me feel like he doesn't really see me or pay attention to my preferences. For example, it was my birthday recently and he bought me two cardigan sweaters. I never wear cardigans. I must have looked disappointed because he asked what was wrong. I pointed out that I never wear cardigans, and he disputed it! As if I don't know what I wear day to day! It's really frustrating and makes me kind of sad.