Reply to Petty spouse & Christmas present vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is dumb.  Just stop with gifts to each other or buy yourself what you want and wrap it. If your relationship is otherwise good, let it go [/quote]

[b]The problem with our relationship is that he is constantly deciding what should and should not be important to me and throws a hissy fit when I stick up for myself.[/b] It’s so subtle that I can’t articulate it to other people, let alone a therapist, but it makes me feel invisible and like I don’t matter.

And I’m in the life phase where my child is too little to buy or make a present and my only living older relative is having me buy and wrap presents to be given on her behalf. I just want something tiny to open on Christmas. I know I’m a big baby for saying that but it’s true and I can’t say it anywhere else.[/quote]

Actually, you articulated it very well right here, and a therapist would understand why this bothers you.

It’s probably not a great candidate for couples therapy, but you could do individual therapy to learn how to cope with it, or how to address it. [/quote]

+1,000

I came to say much the same as this PP says, OP. Start ASAP with individual therapy -- begin looking for a therapist now, because lately it can be difficult to find one with openings, and you may need time to find one who clicks well with you. Start with ones listed on your health insurance list of covered therapists but bee aware you may have to deviate from that list and pay more.

Then, after a while, discuss with your therapist if couples therapy is eventually in order. You DO nail the bigger issue well in your post, OP, so don't denigrate or doubt your own abiliity to see the problem here. It's not planners or socks or having things to open on Christmas Day and you know that. Stop seeing the details and move fast to work on the much more important big picture. You've already got a handle on it.

You have a young child. If your DH already makes it part of daily life to decide what should and should not be important to [i]you[/i], an adult, don't you see that he eventually will do the same thing to your child? Much more easily, too, since your child won't understand what dad's really doing. And then your child will grow up thinking that it's normal for daddy to do this, and normal for mom to tolerate dad having that kind of power over her, and normal for your child to please daddy by letting him decide what matters. This sets up children to repeat parents' mistakes--either dad's mistake of telling others what should matter to them, or mom's mistake of letting it go on. For your kid's sake, not just your own, get outside help in clarifying the problem and then working on it. Please. [/quote]

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