Navigating cousin discipline over the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

NP but my kids were like PP describes…hitting was not allowed and we were very strict about it so our kids didn’t hit. maybe we just got lucky w 2 easy kids but I think OP sounds like she doesn’t even really try to keep her kids from hitting or getting rowdy and I think it’s a common misperception that all toddlers just hit and you can’t do anything about it.

And also, by age 4 they are way too old to be engaging in that type of behavior! Even 2 year olds can be taught to not hit.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is assuming that OP’s kid(s) are the ones that are hitting, but I didn’t see that stated in their first post, so it could either be their kids or the only child cousin. In either case, I agree with PP that the expectation for cousins to be kind to each other is higher than for other situations. Ideally, an older cousin is there to model kind behavior. If not, I would intervene early and often to send the message that cousins should be extra considerate of each other. I come from a culture that really stresses birth order, so the expectation of an older cousin to take care of a younger one is very explicit. As is the expectation of a younger cousin to respect an older cousin, even if the age difference is months, days or minutes. So our kids know their “place” among all the cousins, and luckily the older ones are very kind and the younger ones follow suit.

In order to soothe tensions, if I was the parent to the taker, the hitter, or the instigator, I would put in more time watching the kids and intervening, if only to make the short time spent together more pleasant and incident free. If that is not you, and the parent of the instigator doesn’t intervene, I think you have to limit the playtime when it gets intense and give your kid a “safe space”, whether it’s to read/look at books in a quiet space or sitting with you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I probably made the behavior sound worse than it is. To be clear, the 4yo does not hit. The 2yo will sometimes hit if a toy is snatched, which is why I mentioned that we are used to being hyper vigilant about any crowding or toy snatching that might lead to that behavior. We let our kids have some verbal disagreements and ask them to problem solve (ie ask a grownup to set a timer for turns) instead of immediately refereeing verbal disputes.

The only-child cousin has hit a few times because he doesn’t have experience with conflict over toys. I don’t know the overwhelmed signs to prevent the conflict when it’s my nephew like I know in my own 2yo. I separate the kids if it happens, or if I see them getting too wound up, but don’t have a perfect 100% record.

I know my nephew starts hitting with other kids as well, but frankly, my in-laws blame the other kids because their child doesn’t hit when there are no other kids around. This will all get much better next year or the year after, but looking to see how other parents have handled this phase. I see that I probably need to be much more involved in policing toy turn-taking, but I’m also so freaking tired and wish everyone could tolerate some frustration amongst the kids (as long as it doesn’t escalate to physical aggression, obviously).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're the more lax parents, you should intervene more in these family situations. Let your own two children fight it out, sure, but protect the cousin more.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I probably made the behavior sound worse than it is. To be clear, the 4yo does not hit. The 2yo will sometimes hit if a toy is snatched, which is why I mentioned that we are used to being hyper vigilant about any crowding or toy snatching that might lead to that behavior. We let our kids have some verbal disagreements and ask them to problem solve (ie ask a grownup to set a timer for turns) instead of immediately refereeing verbal disputes.

The only-child cousin has hit a few times because he doesn’t have experience with conflict over toys. I don’t know the overwhelmed signs to prevent the conflict when it’s my nephew like I know in my own 2yo. I separate the kids if it happens, or if I see them getting too wound up, but don’t have a perfect 100% record.

I know my nephew starts hitting with other kids as well, but frankly, my in-laws blame the other kids because their child doesn’t hit when there are no other kids around. This will all get much better next year or the year after, but looking to see how other parents have handled this phase. I see that I probably need to be much more involved in policing toy turn-taking, but I’m also so freaking tired and wish everyone could tolerate some frustration amongst the kids (as long as it doesn’t escalate to physical aggression, obviously).

Unfortunately you just have to supervise the children pretty closely. Toddlers are terrible at playing nicely together. If one set of parents doesn’t even realize that, it will fall to you.

But it will get better every year. So just grin and bear it and tag your DH or sibling in as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kids mostly get along, but will occasionally tussle over toys and when we’ve all been under one roof, we’ve had a couple instances of pushing or hitting.

Prepare for a playtime session with sets of 3 identical toys.

Eg:

- three yellow bouncy balls, (not a dora bouncy ball and a paw patrol bouncy ball)

- three bubble containers exactly the same size and shape

- a packet of gold star stickers, and something to stick the stickers on

Everyone has the same thing -- communal play

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

No, they didn't. If they started to raise a hand, I would hold their wrist and say in this family we don't hit people. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to believe but honestly none of my friends kids have ever hit either or any of my nieces or nephews. 🤷‍♀️
It's just never been an option or anything that has been allowed to happen.

[Anonymous]

Not all toddlers hit whether that's due to personality or parenting. It is not a fact of life.
Sounds like you need to set some ground rules and be prepared to run interference the entire trip

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

No, they didn't. If they started to raise a hand, I would hold their wrist and say in this family we don't hit people. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to believe but honestly none of my friends kids have ever hit either or any of my nieces or nephews. 🤷‍♀️
It's just never been an option or anything that has been allowed to happen.

I’m pretty sure daycare and nursery staff would have a laugh at this discussion. It’s normal for kids to push the limits by hitting, biting, snatching etc as toddlers. Just like it’s normal for them to put everything in their mouths as infants. I never got reports that my kids hit other kids when they were in nursery school, but I’m not so deluded that I don’t think it happened. It’s just par for the course when it comes to toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I probably made the behavior sound worse than it is. To be clear, the 4yo does not hit. The 2yo will sometimes hit if a toy is snatched, which is why I mentioned that we are used to being hyper vigilant about any crowding or toy snatching that might lead to that behavior. We let our kids have some verbal disagreements and ask them to problem solve (ie ask a grownup to set a timer for turns) instead of immediately refereeing verbal disputes.

The only-child cousin has hit a few times because he doesn’t have experience with conflict over toys. I don’t know the overwhelmed signs to prevent the conflict when it’s my nephew like I know in my own 2yo. I separate the kids if it happens, or if I see them getting too wound up, but don’t have a perfect 100% record.

I know my nephew starts hitting with other kids as well, but frankly, my in-laws blame the other kids because their child doesn’t hit when there are no other kids around. This will all get much better next year or the year after, but looking to see how other parents have handled this phase. I see that I probably need to be much more involved in policing toy turn-taking, but I’m also so freaking tired and wish everyone could tolerate some frustration amongst the kids (as long as it doesn’t escalate to physical aggression, obviously).

I'm confused. When your kid hits it's because he's a toddler, but when their kid hits it's because of how they're raising him wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

No, they didn't. If they started to raise a hand, I would hold their wrist and say in this family we don't hit people. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to believe but honestly none of my friends kids have ever hit either or any of my nieces or nephews. 🤷‍♀️
It's just never been an option or anything that has been allowed to happen.

My 4 and 6 year old would never hit other kids especially cousins but they definitely fight each other…and they think it’s fun 😒

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no hitting here. Also never child proofed other than chemicals locked. The kids were told no and we redirected and they listened. Guess my kids sound like unicorns but I'm sure there are millions out there like mine that never hit or become aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Agree to agree that all kids will get in trouble for:
1. Physical hitting or touch (also touching to bother kids, but that’s an older kid annoying thing they do: “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you.” When their finger is almost in the others kids eye)
2. Damaging property.

Everything else you might let go, OR not punish but help them navigate.

Sharing is - whoever is holding the toy has the toy. Done. Have them practice sharing with you timing it. Then they’ll see how it cycles back and forth every 2 minutes or so. By the 2nd time, they get it or they’re over the toy.

If the child wants something, they ask nicely. The kid with the toy can say Yes or No. The kid who wants should wait 1 solid minute, and they can ask again. Repeat. Yes or No. eventually the kid will share. <—ive done this with my kids for years and they are good sharers. The hard part is having the kid wait. I use timers again, and remind them “I know larla will share.” A minute later, she shares and it’s done.