Navigating cousin discipline over the holidays

[Anonymous]

I’m looking for advice on parenting young children (ages 2-4) over the holidays when different parents have different discipline approaches and general tolerance levels for kid behavior.

This is really more an issue for the adults than the kids, but I’m figuring out what I should be doing so that normal kid behavior doesn’t stress the adult relationships. We’ve already moved to predominantly separate accommodations so maybe that will fix most of it.

The kids mostly get along, but will occasionally tussle over toys and when we’ve all been under one roof, we’ve had a couple instances of pushing or hitting. Our family has two toddlers, so we’re used to the vigilance of keeping an eye on the toy tussles but we probably let the kids work out more conflicts unless we see someone in the verge of hitting. The cousin is a single child with limited daycare background, so I think there is less comfort with any level of playmate conflict.

I’d love to hear any advice that you have on managing small people and family dynamics at this age. TIA!

[Anonymous]

If you're the more lax parents, you should intervene more in these family situations. Let your own two children fight it out, sure, but protect the cousin more.

[Anonymous]

Just because you have two kids, doesn’t mean that hitting or “tussles” are normal. My kids never hit or “tussled” at that age even though they had siblings. So I would start by reframing the issue in your mind. It’s only a question of parenting and discipline, not a question of multiple kids vs one. And yes, even at 2 years old and especially by 4 years old (!) kids are able to understand not to hit or snatch toys from their cousin.

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're the more lax parents, you should intervene more in these family situations. Let your own two children fight it out, sure, but protect the cousin more.

This. And there might be a little tension, but each year the kids get bigger and this stuff is less of an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

We can tell you haven't had a toddler in the last 15 years...only people with teenagers are this positive their little Johnny never hit anyone after 12 months of age! PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're the more lax parents, you should intervene more in these family situations. Let your own two children fight it out, sure, but protect the cousin more.

This. And there might be a little tension, but each year the kids get bigger and this stuff is less of an issue.

+2

Think about what this preschool teacher blogger does. http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2019/09/conflict-is-ugly-messy-fraught-and.html You don't need to go full on "preschool teacher" with rules, etc, but intervene a little and help the kids through these situations.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the age and size of the youngest child. If it isn't a reasonably balanced relationship or the little one runs the risk of serious accidental injury that's different.

I think your laissez faire attitude is not worth damaging family relationships over. Step up for a few days and you can go back to your normal approach at home.

[Anonymous]

Let your kids beat on each other if you choose, but don't let them touch the cousin without quickly jumping up out of your seat. Or prepare to see your kids disciplined by their aunt and uncle.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be really, really honest with yourself about what is "normal kid behavior" and what is not. Why is it so important to you to allow this kind of behavior on these specific days? The cliche is that people who say the things you're saying are lazy parents who don't want to make the effort, or that they're in denial about their kids' special needs. Really look at yourself here.

It's fine for your kids to learn to work things out, but they have the other 362 days of the year for that. It's also fine to learn that some kids really don't like "tussles", and that getting along in a family means accepting that some people require a little extra carefulness. Those are fine life lessons for your children to learn.

[Anonymous]

I would try to relieve the pressure by taking them outside and engaging them in separate activities more frequently. Conflict happens when kids are cooped up indoors and get sick of each other.

[Anonymous]

We (all extended family) have taught our children that they are to be extra-kind to cousins. They're not just friends, they're family, and that's special. So they are extra polite, extra giving, extra patient, etc.

Also, when there are two 3 yr olds and two 5 yr olds, it is sometimes better to group them NOT by age. Never seat same-age cousins next to each other.

[Anonymous]

Daycare kids are noticeably more aggressive, emotionally dysregulated (and germy). I do not think it is something to be proud of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances was hitting ever an option in our family. That is something the kids learned pretty early on and well before two years old. Doesn't seem like the cousins are the issue here. It honestly seems like your children are. I guess you have to ask yourself how you are going to discipline them more and curb aggressive behavior

Not OP, but I call complete BS that neither of your kids ever hit anyone between the ages of 2-4. They certainly didn't learn not to hit "well before two years old".

NP but my kids were like PP describes…hitting was not allowed and we were very strict about it so our kids didn’t hit. maybe we just got lucky w 2 easy kids but I think OP sounds like she doesn’t even really try to keep her kids from hitting or getting rowdy and I think it’s a common misperception that all toddlers just hit and you can’t do anything about it.