Loneliness when you come from dysfunctional family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is very messed up and not a source of love, support, or belonging for me. I'm not estranged, but they are not a source of support or community and never will be.

Sadly my spouse's family is similar. His extended family is better, and we tend to spend holidays with his family because when his cousins and aunts are around, it can feel like proper family. But his parents and siblings are, like mine, very dysfunctional and not loving or emotionally supportive.

What do other people who are in this situation do for community and support system? We have friends but it's not the same. I know church is the answer for many. We are not religious but I've looked hard into this anyway because I so need some kind of support system. But the only church that made sense given our lack of religion was UU, and the UU church where we live was not a good fit.

What else can we do? Hitting middle age and have a child. The loneliness and isolation is crushing. I think it's started to seriously impact my physical health.

I could have written this. Hugs to you, OP. I was thinking about this on my run this morning because now that Halloween is over the holidays are upon us and they are very triggering for me. My mom was always depressed on holidays and would lock herself in her room unshowered and with sweat pants on and cry all day emerging for dinner to sniffle and thank my father for cooking before going back to bed. Some years if I tried to get her up she would yell at me that she was depressed because I hated her (I was in elementary school during this time - I stopped asking her to come out as I got older). Other years she would rally and say we were going to visit her family two hours away. She would usually request my father stay at home, demand we clean the house before we left (she would give us a list of chores to complete the morning of the holiday) and then when it took us longer than expected she would get angry and blame us for making her late, and then the entire ride to her family’s house (and also on the way back) she would cry, pick fights and yell at us for things like chewing or making any type of noise, drive like a psycho, and try to hit us from the front seat. Now she wants to spend every holiday with my family and gets mad when I say we are spending time with my husband’s family. It’s like she has amnesia about how she acted for the first 22 years of my life. My husband’s family is also dysfunctional but at least his siblings and divorced parents can all be in the same place for a few hours. When we got married I fantasized about how I would finally have a nice family and normal holidays but they all have their own issues so it hasn’t quite turned out that way. My I’m so scarred by the dysfunction and abuse from growing up in my family as an adult a therapist diagnosed me with complex PTSD. I have a hard time with intimacy and boundaries (not great with intimacy because I didn’t experience healthy relationships and grew up in a family without healthy boundaries) but have some really close friends who I love dearly and who are very accepting. I wish I had more time for those friendships. I am religious but we haven’t really connected with a religious community yet, so I feel you on that. I’m thinking about going back to therapy and trying to get back into my yoga practice because as my kids get older I feel like I’m reflecting more on my experiences as a child and I don’t want that to influence how I parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand."

PP, thank you so much for writing this. I had this experience in the past year with two people, both of whom I thought were close friends. They're great people, but their lives are such that they fundamentally cannot understand my family's level of dysfunction. When I realized that, I was crushed. It still feels so achingly lonely when I think about it.

I do have friends who get that aspect of my life and for them, I am profoundly grateful. Even though their families as a whole can't provide the closeness I would love for my family (DH and kids), that they understand, profoundly, what it's like keeps me going. It's especially hard in some ways because my family is local; people assume they're helpful when they hear that.

So much this. In a similar boat (more my family than DH's, although he has to keep his at arms length in many ways). My oldest, dearest friend comes from a warm, close family and I hid my situation from her for so long, but when it finally came out she worked hard to understand and now I think gets it, as does her family. This is rare and precious, but it takes the risk of opening up and of finding out whether someone is or isn't capable of it. It's still hard and I have moments of wondering whether I'm the third wheel, but I am learning to trust that she knows and welcomes that she is my 'family'.

[Anonymous]

What I have done in this situation is really embrace the extended family. We became close with my aunt and uncle who I would have said I barely knew growing up. I’m 50 years old, and a month ago, I reached out to a younger cousin that recently had a baby and connected with him and his wife. We had a really good visit, and so my husband and I are going to try to start seeing them a few times a year.

We also are church people. I’m not religious, but my husband is. I’ve really embraced our church family even if I’m not doctrinal. And I’m open with our kid about what I don’t like about organized religion. I do recommend possibly trying again with another church. But for church to work, you have to really dive in. It isn’t about showing up for one hour on Sunday for a service. It is about attending Sunday school, being part of a marriage enrichment group, volunteering with rhe kids or other ministries etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I have done in this situation is really embrace the extended family. We became close with my aunt and uncle who I would have said I barely knew growing up. I’m 50 years old, and a month ago, I reached out to a younger cousin that recently had a baby and connected with him and his wife. We had a really good visit, and so my husband and I are going to try to start seeing them a few times a year.

We also are church people. I’m not religious, but my husband is. I’ve really embraced our church family even if I’m not doctrinal. And I’m open with our kid about what I don’t like about organized religion. I do recommend possibly trying again with another church. But for church to work, you have to really dive in. It isn’t about showing up for one hour on Sunday for a service. It is about attending Sunday school, being part of a marriage enrichment group, volunteering with rhe kids or other ministries etc.

I’m a PP and in theory I like this idea, but one side of extended family is all dead and the other is mentally ill, struggling with substance use, or overseas. If I had family I could embrace I wouldn’t be posting here!

[Anonymous]

"It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand."

Yeah, this really resonates. I'm in my late 50s and realized a while ago just how true this is. I've rarely spoken to friends about my childhood. At first, it was because it was secret and had to be kept hidden. Then, there was the shame and, finally, the realization that so few people can understand.

One of the nice things about getting older is that it's easier to let go of the desire to have a big happy family - which, I understand now, my idea of that isn't a reality for most people. What I don't think I'll ever be able to really let go of is my deep seeded insecurity about not being important or supported. When, before you could even talk, it's made clear to you that everything revolves around The Big Bad (my father) and you are completely dependent upon him and his whims (can't count the number of Halloweens/Christmas/birthdays/holidays he ruined while raging), you learn that your needs/wants/feelings aren't important. I strive to not overthink things that make me question if I matter.

I gently suggest that your 'loneliness' is probably more of an internal dissonance rather than a lack of friends/family. I don't say that to be dismissive but to acknowledge the black hole that developed in many of us while so very young and grew with us. Once you have a black hole, it never really goes away. I gently suggest you attend to strengthening yourself and your relationships. You don't need a lot of friends. Different people can fulfill different roles. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I am estranged from my dysfunctional family and DH’s is not much better.

I have amazing coworkers and consider a number of them my “chosen family.”

[Anonymous]

Chiming in to say DH and I also have very dysfunctional families and it is still crushing at times. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I have done in this situation is really embrace the extended family. We became close with my aunt and uncle who I would have said I barely knew growing up. I’m 50 years old, and a month ago, I reached out to a younger cousin that recently had a baby and connected with him and his wife. We had a really good visit, and so my husband and I are going to try to start seeing them a few times a year.

We also are church people. I’m not religious, but my husband is. I’ve really embraced our church family even if I’m not doctrinal. And I’m open with our kid about what I don’t like about organized religion. I do recommend possibly trying again with another church. But for church to work, you have to really dive in. It isn’t about showing up for one hour on Sunday for a service. It is about attending Sunday school, being part of a marriage enrichment group, volunteering with rhe kids or other ministries etc.

I’m a PP and in theory I like this idea, but one side of extended family is all dead and the other is mentally ill, struggling with substance use, or overseas. If I had family I could embrace I wouldn’t be posting here!

I’m sorry to hear that. But I thought OP talked about spending holidays with her husband’s extended family and that was generally a good experience. So, I thought perhaps seeing these people more often could be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. Not having supportive, healthy, involved, emotionally-cheering-you family SUCKS. Not even a big happy family - what I wouldn’t give for so much as ONE such relative, much less two, or something unthinkable like … multiple family members like this.
The only people who get it are ones in the same boat. Sorry to my friends who tried to commiserate, but having an uncle who went to jail once, or a dad who gave a really awkward toast at your wedding, or parents who moved from your hometown to the next state over, is not remotely what we are dealing with here (all real examples given to me by others).
OP, this may not want to be what you want to hear, but since like you, friends/church/“chosen community” were not enough to impact this *specific* pain and longing for me, I decided to just accept this is one of my lots in life, and that it will not change, I have no control over, and it will never not suck. I also had no control over being tall, pretty, academically talented. Those were freebies; gifts. And I have no control over the fact my family sucks, I’m hard of hearing, I was hit by a drunk driver, and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t ask for and don’t want.
It doesn’t stop being painful but I have found some freedom in just accepting it sucks and that others who aren’t like me have a huge invisible privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. Not having supportive, healthy, involved, emotionally-cheering-you family SUCKS. Not even a big happy family - what I wouldn’t give for so much as ONE such relative, much less two, or something unthinkable like … multiple family members like this.
The only people who get it are ones in the same boat. Sorry to my friends who tried to commiserate, but having an uncle who went to jail once, or a dad who gave a really awkward toast at your wedding, or parents who moved from your hometown to the next state over, is not remotely what we are dealing with here (all real examples given to me by others).
OP, this may not want to be what you want to hear, but since like you, friends/church/“chosen community” were not enough to impact this *specific* pain and longing for me, I decided to just accept this is one of my lots in life, and that it will not change, I have no control over, and it will never not suck. I also had no control over being tall, pretty, academically talented. Those were freebies; gifts. And I have no control over the fact my family sucks, I’m hard of hearing, I was hit by a drunk driver, and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t ask for and don’t want.
It doesn’t stop being painful but I have found some freedom in just accepting it sucks and that others who aren’t like me have a huge invisible privilege.

The bolded is how I've learned to handle it, too. I also recognize the gifts in life I was given, over which I also had no control (physical appearance, intelligence, etc.) and also the ways in which my dysfunctional family lead to strengths I likely wouldn't have developed otherwise.

It's also been freeing to realize that some potentially close friendships just won't be that for me, because of this issue. That's sad, of course, but as with the above, it helps me cherish the friends I have who *do* get it all the more.

Hugs to all here. I really appreciate the support and warmth on this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP here and just catching up on thread. Yes HUGE hugs to everyone in the same situation. I can't agree more with the last few PPs talking about realizing that most people just do not understand this and assume that because they have some dysfunction or issues in their family, it's the same as simply having zero support from your family. I think often people just don't even hear it because it's so foreign to them. They just assume it's similar to their own struggles with family, since most people have at least some. And if you try to make that distinction, it can come off like you're saying their challenges don't matter, which I'm not. But it means most friends just go on with this false impression that my family is a lot like their family and just never pick up on the fact that my family is not actually present in my life at all.

It's really cathartic to hear from other people who feel the same way and have the same experiences. It's just good to know I'm not totally alone in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand."

Yeah, this really resonates. I'm in my late 50s and realized a while ago just how true this is. I've rarely spoken to friends about my childhood. At first, it was because it was secret and had to be kept hidden. Then, there was the shame and, finally, the realization that so few people can understand.

One of the nice things about getting older is that it's easier to let go of the desire to have a big happy family - which, I understand now, my idea of that isn't a reality for most people. What I don't think I'll ever be able to really let go of is my deep seeded insecurity about not being important or supported. When, before you could even talk, it's made clear to you that everything revolves around The Big Bad (my father) and you are completely dependent upon him and his whims (can't count the number of Halloweens/Christmas/birthdays/holidays he ruined while raging), you learn that your needs/wants/feelings aren't important. I strive to not overthink things that make me question if I matter.

I gently suggest that your 'loneliness' is probably more of an internal dissonance rather than a lack of friends/family. I don't say that to be dismissive but to acknowledge the black hole that developed in many of us while so very young and grew with us. Once you have a black hole, it never really goes away. I gently suggest you attend to strengthening yourself and your relationships. You don't need a lot of friends. Different people can fulfill different roles. Hugs.

I agree with this. I've found the ACoA (adult children of alcoholics & dysfunctional families) program, especially working through the How To Become Your Own Loving Parent Guidebook with a small group to be very life changing. I think a factor for you may be grief, OP. Comparison is the thief of joy and the expression Bloom Where You Are Planted has merit. While outwardly focused on social connections that look a certain way, that may never be part of your family's life, what are you missing out on in the now and what are you modeling? It seems almost like you have set yourself an impossible task. I get it, I wish I had that type of family situation too, but never will and as I get older I see even if you do have it, you lose people over time.

I've found creating traditions and emotional intimacy in the family I've created and having lots of "little" social connections around us has given us a richer life and it is something I can control and achieve. I don't want my kids growing up also feeling like they missed out on a good family because I was so outwardly focused. Best to you, the holidays can bring up a lot of unresloved feelings.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I'm divorced. My parents are both dead and my only sibling is a vicious drama queen.

OP, your kids might be small now, but they'll be there for you when they're adults, although be careful not to be too needy. I have two great kids, which is something. They're out of the house, but we still text/talk a few times a week and we try to visit with each other weekly. They both have remote jobs but recently said they wanted to return to this area after college/grad school "to be around family."

Also, reach out to your extended family, OP. I have a cousin whose immediate family has suffered multiple deaths in the past give years, and she seems to be reaching out to me as well. There might be an extended family member in your life who wants to visit/travel with you/talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, read the "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature People."

I think some of this is being your own self support system, some - pay attention to the positive, appreciate your spouse and support each other, some - do not assume things about your friends; some may appreciate a closer relationship; some people are just super busy with work and kids.

NP here. I will look into this book recommendation, thank you. My extended family is my support system. In DH's case, it seems he was consistently rejected by his siblings, who paired off. My extended family is wonderful - not perfect - but warm, supportive and inclusive, which is what we very much need. When we see my extended family, DH actually gets out his phone mid conversation and starts to either play his games or read the internet. I wish I was making this up - it is like a bad sitcom. DH does not do this with his family.

DH seems jealous that I have warm, supportive and inclusive family members, and he does not. DH was always marginalized and dismissed in his family. He has even tried to deny the phone thing, though he did it more than once, and on more than one occasion, with different extended family members of mine. RUDE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I have done in this situation is really embrace the extended family. We became close with my aunt and uncle who I would have said I barely knew growing up. I’m 50 years old, and a month ago, I reached out to a younger cousin that recently had a baby and connected with him and his wife. We had a really good visit, and so my husband and I are going to try to start seeing them a few times a year.

We also are church people. I’m not religious, but my husband is. I’ve really embraced our church family even if I’m not doctrinal. And I’m open with our kid about what I don’t like about organized religion. I do recommend possibly trying again with another church. But for church to work, you have to really dive in. It isn’t about showing up for one hour on Sunday for a service. It is about attending Sunday school, being part of a marriage enrichment group, volunteering with rhe kids or other ministries etc.

I’m a PP and in theory I like this idea, but one side of extended family is all dead and the other is mentally ill, struggling with substance use, or overseas. If I had family I could embrace I wouldn’t be posting here!

That is difficult. DP here. Most of my family has passed, and we have been embraced by my extended side, thankfully. If it was up to DH's family, we would not even exist, even though DH has done much to help the family for over a decade (which only brought strife, of course).