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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]"It also hurts to be brave enough to open up about your family and realize that many people's lives are too charmed for them to understand."[/quote]

Yeah, this really resonates.  I'm in my late 50s and realized a while ago just how true this is. I've rarely spoken to friends about my childhood.  At first, it was because it was secret and had to be kept hidden.  Then, there was the shame and, finally, the realization that so few people can understand.

One of the nice things about getting older is that it's easier to let go of the desire to have a big happy family - which, I understand now, my idea of that isn't a reality for most people.  What I don't think I'll ever be able to really let go of is my deep seeded insecurity about not being important or supported.  When, before you could even talk, it's made clear to you that everything revolves around The Big Bad (my father) and you are completely dependent upon him and his whims (can't count the number of Halloweens/Christmas/birthdays/holidays he ruined while raging), you learn that your needs/wants/feelings aren't important. I strive to not overthink things that make me question if I matter.

I gently suggest that your 'loneliness' is probably more of an internal dissonance rather than a lack of friends/family.  I don't say that to be dismissive but to acknowledge the black hole that developed in many of us while so very young and grew with us.  Once you have a black hole, it never really goes away.  I gently suggest you attend to strengthening yourself and your relationships.  You don't need a lot of friends.  Different people can fulfill different roles.  Hugs.[/quote]

I agree with this. I've found the ACoA (adult children of alcoholics & dysfunctional families) program, especially working through the How To Become Your Own Loving Parent Guidebook with a small group to be very life changing. I think a factor for you may be grief, OP. Comparison is the thief of joy and the expression Bloom Where You Are Planted has merit. While outwardly focused on social connections that look a certain way, that may never be part of your family's life, what are you missing out on in the now and what are you modeling? It seems almost like you have set yourself an impossible task. I get it, I wish I had that type of family situation too, but never will and as I get older I see even if you do have it, you lose people over time.

I've found creating traditions and emotional intimacy in the family I've created and having lots of "little" social connections around us has given us a richer life and it is something I can control and achieve. I don't want my kids growing up also feeling like they missed out on a good family because I was so outwardly focused. Best to you, the holidays can bring up a lot of unresloved feelings. [/quote]

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