DH and his elderly parents not discussing the future, what are the worst-case scenarios

[Anonymous]

All I would focus on is fairly mildly reminding my husband from time to time that he and his brother will have to figure this out at some point. And I would not volunteer to take any of the work on. And when it all hits the fan, I would be supportive to my husband without taking on any of the actual work.

Ultimately, not planning actually IS a decision.

[Anonymous]

I also have parents who are not proactive. They claim they want to downsize/move closer to me/make a change yet in the past 10-15 years have taken no actual action toward that desire. It's been all talk, every year. I've offered all the help I can but I finally had to step back for my own sanity. I am at the point that no change will happen until change HAS to happen. Yes it sucks and will cost more but I cannot force grown adults to do something (and I've considered doing just that).

I am fortunate that I have a husband who has seen everything I've gone through and tried and will support me when the time comes. I love my parents and it hurts to see them so unhappy in a big house they cannot maintain like they used to. But, like I've told them, I am happy to help in any way, but I cannot decide for them. Either they can make a change on their own, or they will be forced to make a change that may not be ideal.

P.S. Reading your update, I at least am the one with more bandwidth in life so if something happened I could drive up and help (and I'm an only so it's all on me). I can understand why it would be stressful for you knowing that your H cannot. I will say that the "A Place for Mom" people were really helpful for me, even though my parents never acted on any of their suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Since you said your husband is in big law his plan is probably to throw a lot of money at the problems when they happen, like in the form of hired help at their home or a quality assisted living place, while he continues working to make a bunch of money in big law. That's why he is not concerned now and probably doesn't want to pressure his parents unnecessarily in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are right to suggest that they start making arrangements etc. I’ve seen my elderly neighbors and my aunt/uncle all refuse to deal with things and then suddenly things go south really quickly and the adult kids are left with so much to take care of. In both these cases they couldn’t get a place for them right away as the waiting lists were too long and some places only accepted elderly before they had really bad health conditions. For those who said it’s it your concern is wrong. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are right to suggest that they start making arrangements etc. I’ve seen my elderly neighbors and my aunt/uncle all refuse to deal with things and then suddenly things go south really quickly and the adult kids are left with so much to take care of. In both these cases they couldn’t get a place for them right away as the waiting lists were too long and some places only accepted elderly before they had really bad health conditions. For those who said it’s it your concern is wrong. Good luck!

I don’t think we are saying it is wrong. We are saying it is likely futile. So don’t spend a lot of energy worrying about it. It does you no good with people that aren’t going to plan. This isn’t the family she grew up in and it sounds like her husband isn’t interested in pushing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

This is good advice that I would not have been able to accept until this year.

What changed is, a relative of mine lived to her late 80s, on her own in her own house, then had a heart attack and died in the hospital days later. No broken hip, no car accident, no drama.

With my eyes opened to the possibility that nothing could require a major rejiggering of an elderly person’s life, I really need to relax about my in-laws, who like OP’s, deal with all this by not thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are right to suggest that they start making arrangements etc. I’ve seen my elderly neighbors and my aunt/uncle all refuse to deal with things and then suddenly things go south really quickly and the adult kids are left with so much to take care of. In both these cases they couldn’t get a place for them right away as the waiting lists were too long and some places only accepted elderly before they had really bad health conditions. For those who said it’s it your concern is wrong. Good luck!

This would be great advice if it were possible to control others. Alas…

I don’t think we are saying it is wrong. We are saying it is likely futile. So don’t spend a lot of energy worrying about it. It does you no good with people that aren’t going to plan. This isn’t the family she grew up in and it sounds like her husband isn’t interested in pushing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are right to suggest that they start making arrangements etc. I’ve seen my elderly neighbors and my aunt/uncle all refuse to deal with things and then suddenly things go south really quickly and the adult kids are left with so much to take care of. In both these cases they couldn’t get a place for them right away as the waiting lists were too long and some places only accepted elderly before they had really bad health conditions. For those who said it’s it your concern is wrong. Good luck!

This would be great advice if it were possible to control others. Alas…

I don’t think we are saying it is wrong. We are saying it is likely futile. So don’t spend a lot of energy worrying about it. It does you no good with people that aren’t going to plan. This isn’t the family she grew up in and it sounds like her husband isn’t interested in pushing this.

Fully agree that the time you spend worrying about this is wasted time. You can’t control their actions.

Maybe they will be fine for another decade and pass peacefully in the same night in their sleep. Maybe the crisis will hit tomorrow. Either way, there is nothing you do.

[Anonymous]

I don't want DH and his brother to be caught off guard

Likely nothing YOU say will matter. The Brothers are going to do what Brothers are going to do (likely nothing). Same as the Parents. Op, you will need to compartmentalize this: you have your parents and you deal with their aging. Your DH and brother will deal with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Also have your husband remind them that if they don’t indicate their wishes or plans, they’re accepting that the sons will make all the decisions for them and they may not be happy with the result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you said your husband is in big law his plan is probably to throw a lot of money at the problems when they happen, like in the form of hired help at their home or a quality assisted living place, while he continues working to make a bunch of money in big law. That's why he is not concerned now and probably doesn't want to pressure his parents unnecessarily in the meantime.

Hired help in the home from an agency is a logical first step, and hours can be increased upward from four hours per day a few days a week to 24 hours per day. At some point pretty soon, either your FIL or your MIL is going to need more help functioning than the other spouse is willing/able to provide, and that would trigger the hire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin works in hospice care. I've heard some stories.....

The common scenario is when a parent becomes incapacitated and the kids don't know what they want, or where to find any documentation. Bills go unpaid because the kids don't know about them, kids have to use their own money to pay the bills they do know about because they don't have a way to access the parent's accounts. Kids end up fighting with each other about what they think mom/dad would want. It's a ton of added stress at a time when the kids should be focused on supporting their parent's health. Sibling relationships get ripped apart over fights about how to handle the situation, when a simple set of instructions from the parent would have answered a lot of questions.

What this poster is describing is a "death binder". A repository of essential information on bank accounts, passwords, bills, utilities, names and contact info of relatives.

just make sure you know where to look. my dad put a bunch of things in one and we were looking EVERYWHERE for his passport once and almost gave up. It was there, high on a shelf in a folder labeled with the name of his investment company (who gave him the free binder).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it fall to you? You don't have to plan out everything for everyone. They have two adult children who can help them. Your role is to stay out.

Not OP, but when your IL go through this stage of life without a solid plan in place, you end up getting involved if only just to save your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would it fall to you? You don't have to plan out everything for everyone. They have two adult children who can help them. Your role is to stay out.

Not OP, but when your IL go through this stage of life without a solid plan in place, you end up getting involved if only just to save your spouse.

Why do women think like this? Having been through it I just support my spouse. He has to work with his sister on what to do. He had to go to look at facilities. He worked with the estate sales people, etc. I would give suggestions but in no way made decisions or took on anything that needed to be done. He is an adult as is his sister. They are fully capable of handling this.

BTW he is in Big Law too. Firm as been very flexible with him because they had to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would it fall to you? You don't have to plan out everything for everyone. They have two adult children who can help them. Your role is to stay out.

Not OP, but when your IL go through this stage of life without a solid plan in place, you end up getting involved if only just to save your spouse.

I have not seen that. My in-laws have three boys and they handle everything. I guess I had to do some extra childcare while my husband dealt with some stuff as his dad died, but not enough that I even thought about it. I’m not doing any caring for my in-laws or logistics for them, etc.