DH and his elderly parents not discussing the future, what are the worst-case scenarios

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are in their 80s, currently in pretty good shape. They live about 6 hours away from DC, and about 45-60 minutes outside of a city. Their other child, my BIL, also lives about 6 hours away from them.

They are doing fine, but they live in a rural area albeit in a planned community that is not officially a senior community, by is de facto. My point is that they have lots of neighbors but need to drive to get anywhere.

When I have asked DH if he has discussed the future with his parents, he shrugs it off. I have pointed out that they will not be able to drive forever and what happens when they start getting frail or worse? As far as I can tell, my in-laws haven't thought much about it either. They have some money but not tons.

I don't want to be dramatic, but I'd like to share some bad scenarios of what can happen if you don't plan for elderly care. Anyone have some?

FWIW, I am dealing with this with my own parents who have been much more proactive. My siblings and I know what they have planned and what their wishes are. I don't want DH and his brother to be caught off guard. They are both busy, live far away and not terribly communicative with one another. And, to be honest, I don't want it to fall on me to deal.

[Anonymous]

The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

[Anonymous]

Why would it fall to you? You don't have to plan out everything for everyone. They have two adult children who can help them. Your role is to stay out.

[Anonymous]

We’ve discussed this with my parents who are in their early 70 s and in excellent health. Actually, they are the ones that raised the subject. They have put a deposit down at a graduated care facility near where we live. I think they have done this as they not faced challenges with their parents and don’t want the same thing to happen to us. It could be ten years or more before they need it but I’m glad they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

This is fantastic advice. I wasted a ton of time and energy wringing my hands about my parents, and they eventually were forced to face reality

[Anonymous]

If they are not interested in being proactive the worst case scenario (and most likely scenario) is that they will go on until they can't. Normally this plays out in some kind of health emergency like a fall or stroke that dramatically changes the status quo. Then they will have to scramble to find a rehab facility probably near their home since that where they will be hospitalized. Then whether they recover well and go home or not will dictate what kind of options they have.

[Anonymous]

Ask your DH to make sure he has a personal and professional plan for himself for when (not if - because it will happen!) he needs to get there 1. In and emergency and 2. When he has to stay there for an extended time. Remind him that you need to be a part of this because your life who’ll change if you have to take over your family’s kid/house responsibilities in his absence. If you have no kids, then just be ready to spend an extended time alone after he’s summoned there for a medical emergency.

And I know this because I’ve been the one constantly running to my reasonably well-organized parents. DH’s can’t even use this as a warning to make similar plans . . .

[Anonymous]

You have to voice repeatedly to your husband:

"I will NOT help your parents when they need assistance, and I refuse to spend OUR money on their care if they're not planning for their future."

[Anonymous]

My cousin works in hospice care. I've heard some stories.....

The common scenario is when a parent becomes incapacitated and the kids don't know what they want, or where to find any documentation. Bills go unpaid because the kids don't know about them, kids have to use their own money to pay the bills they do know about because they don't have a way to access the parent's accounts. Kids end up fighting with each other about what they think mom/dad would want. It's a ton of added stress at a time when the kids should be focused on supporting their parent's health. Sibling relationships get ripped apart over fights about how to handle the situation, when a simple set of instructions from the parent would have answered a lot of questions.

[Anonymous]

The worst-case scenario involves your ILs driving longer than they should. And a car accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin works in hospice care. I've heard some stories.....

The common scenario is when a parent becomes incapacitated and the kids don't know what they want, or where to find any documentation. Bills go unpaid because the kids don't know about them, kids have to use their own money to pay the bills they do know about because they don't have a way to access the parent's accounts. Kids end up fighting with each other about what they think mom/dad would want. It's a ton of added stress at a time when the kids should be focused on supporting their parent's health. Sibling relationships get ripped apart over fights about how to handle the situation, when a simple set of instructions from the parent would have answered a lot of questions.

What this poster is describing is a "death binder". A repository of essential information on bank accounts, passwords, bills, utilities, names and contact info of relatives.

[Anonymous]

My parents are late 80s and refuse to discuss. Period. We have one sibling who barely sees them and when she does she presses them for a plan, as if the rest of us who live near haven't tried. Now our parents rarely speak to that sibling. Parents are in amazing shape and competent and nothing we can do to force them to do or tell us anything. And I am almost certain there is no plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

Thank you! This is the most helpful answer I’ve ever gotten on DCUM.

The reason why it concerns me is that DH is a big law partner and just wouldn’t have time to deal if there is a scenario in which he would have to take a lot of time off, BIL might be able to but I just want them to consider different scenarios and how it may affect them (DH and BIL).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

Thank you! This is the most helpful answer I’ve ever gotten on DCUM.

The reason why it concerns me is that DH is a big law partner and just wouldn’t have time to deal if there is a scenario in which he would have to take a lot of time off, BIL might be able to but I just want them to consider different scenarios and how it may affect them (DH and BIL).

I think you need a come-to-Jesus with your DH that you do not want to take this on, and that he will need to take leave from work if it happens. Then plan to hold him to it. It'll be hard, but do NOT bail him out.

You can do some research into the options near you, put their name on a few waiting lists if you like. You can also look into the home care options near them so that if you need to hire an aide, you know which agencies are well-reviewed.

Sometimes the only thing that works is waiting for their situation to get bad enough that they agree to move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The worst-case scenario is that they make no plans and then a crisis (such as a stroke, or falling down and breaking a hip) forces them to figure it out. So then they move into whatever facility is availble to them at the time, either near one of their children or near where they live. That is the worst-case scenario.

For driving, I think your plan can be that you hire someone to drive them places. If they don't have that much money, they'll probably end up on Medicaid-funded care eventually, so it doesn't really matter how long that takes. The plan is they spend what they have, then they get on Medicaid.

A session with a financial planner *who lives in their state and is familiar with its Medicaid* would probably benefit you, and may help to set your mind at ease. Then speak with someone who is in your state, so you have a handle on how it works if they move to a facility near you.

It's a mistake to think advance planning will really help you that much. They could have it all planned out and then their chosen facility could close. They could move to be near your BIL and then he could pass away. It can go any number of ways and there's not necessarily any benefit to trying to plan it now.

Your DH and his family are CHOOSING to make no plans, and you can respond to that by NOT taking it upon yourself. It's going to be a ton of work and a giant pain when it happens, no matter how much time and energy you invest in trying to plan it. When older people choose not to communicate their wishes, they're choosing to have their adult children decide for them. And that is a perfectly fine choice.

Thank you! This is the most helpful answer I’ve ever gotten on DCUM.

The reason why it concerns me is that DH is a big law partner and just wouldn’t have time to deal if there is a scenario in which he would have to take a lot of time off, BIL might be able to but I just want them to consider different scenarios and how it may affect them (DH and BIL).

Plenty of us face similar hurdles. For example, I have time, but I live across the Atlantic. The reality is that in such scenarios, it's the elderly folks who suffer. They're not going to benefit from optimal support from their children. That's all.