Any downsides to not being in the popular group if a kid is happy?

[Anonymous]

So your daughter found a group of friends that care about academics, have interest they pursue outside of school, aren’t up to trouble and/or on social media, have involved parents, and are kind.

This isn’t a problem. You/she hit the jackpot. Be thankful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if someone told you it’s a problem, what would you do about it?

Your child is happy and seems to have learned some valuable lessons about navigating friendships. Let it be. It’s totally fine.

+1 Just leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in an intermediate grade at a K-8 school. For years she was on the fringes of a friend group that was mostly girls from one of the fancier neighborhoods that the school attracts students from, and a lot of those girls come from very privileged families. They also run their kids' social lives through high school and beyond and have a lot of social capital on our community.

We are definitely still privileged but at a different level, and we are mixed race so we never quite fit in with the rich people who share my ethnicity or the super social people who share DH's ethnicity. I was honestly relieved when DD started to find a small group of true friends who really get her and who are more on the fringes of things. They're smart girls who do a variety of activities, and they have parents from all different backgrounds who are similar to my DH and I in terms caring about academics without being competitive, having rules about social media, etc.

My question is this: is there any downside from not being in the "in" or socially powerful group as long as a kid has friends, feels confident and is happy? For example, my DD doesn't do school activities like theater, so I'm not worried about her not getting picked for the play because she doesn't have the same social capital as other kids. But I do wonder if teachers use popularity as a proxy for confidence or competence and if it will affect things like letters of recommendation for HS applications, middle school course selection, or leadership projects.

This is a private school? You pay to be treated this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal people don’t think this way

People who enroll their kids in a bad-fit country club school might think this way.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a normal thing to worry about. I went to public school and it was well known that SOME teachers favored the financially well off, smart, athletic/popular kids. The “All American” ones, although I don’t like that term. Not saying they all did that but some did. If you’re seeing that a lot it may be time to think about a different school.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to figure out how biased the teachers are in your school. You can start by talking to other parents at your school. You sound like you’re on the fringe as well, but you’ll be surprised by what you can learn.

[Anonymous]

Our school sounds similar. The popular crowd is also very involved in the school / donate. I have never seen obvious bias but we are only in 2nd grade.

I do actively discourage my DS from staying on the fringe group and find his own group of friends. The people on the fringes are always trying to get "in" (including the parents) and it hurts more because they know when they are excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? This is a concern people have? I'd prefer my kid not be in that group. Especially if a girl. Lots of eating disorders, drugs, alcohol and early sexual activities in that group. No thanks.

I can’t even understand how so many mothers are obsessed with this. My oldest daughter was always popular. Drugs, alcohol and sex starts much earlier. So much drama, so much fighting mostly over boys.

My youngest has a small group of friends and they are happy doing their own thing. They have no idea who is popular. It’s so much easier.

[Anonymous]

Can’t fight the seether

[Anonymous]

What? Hoping you are a troll.

[Anonymous]

Do you have some unresolved issues ? Insecurities ? Leave her alone and let her be happy

[Anonymous]

Oh no. No no no. As both a former smart nerdy girl and a former highschool teacher, NO not being in the "popular girl" crowd has no downsides. As a teacher we saw through mean girls and honestly my heart would drop when a former nerdy kid would get swept into a "popular" crowd... Worse grades soon followed (and messed up priorities).

[Anonymous]

Simmer down with the attacks on OP -- she doesn't want her DD to be popular, and she doesn't care about popularity. She is concerned that her DD will be treated unfairly by teachers, administrators, etc. at her school if she is not part of a certain group. At my DD's school (a public in a wealthy area), the answer would be no -- this is not a problem. I don't know your school, though, OP. But I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

OP you don’t have magical foresight ugggh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? This is a concern people have? I'd prefer my kid not be in that group. Especially if a girl. Lots of eating disorders, drugs, alcohol and early sexual activities in that group. No thanks.

Same here. I don’t want either of my children in this group. I see a clearer, more positive path through k-12 if they stay away from these pressures.

+100

My kids are FORBIDDEN to be in that group.