Any downsides to not being in the popular group if a kid is happy?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My DD is in an intermediate grade at a K-8 school. For years she was on the fringes of a friend group that was mostly girls from one of the fancier neighborhoods that the school attracts students from, and a lot of those girls come from very privileged families. They also run their kids' social lives through high school and beyond and have a lot of social capital on our community.
We are definitely still privileged but at a different level, and we are mixed race so we never quite fit in with the rich people who share my ethnicity or the super social people who share DH's ethnicity. I was honestly relieved when DD started to find a small group of true friends who really get her and who are more on the fringes of things. They're smart girls who do a variety of activities, and they have parents from all different backgrounds who are similar to my DH and I in terms caring about academics without being competitive, having rules about social media, etc. My question is this: is there any downside from not being in the "in" or socially powerful group as long as a kid has friends, feels confident and is happy? For example, my DD doesn't do school activities like theater, so I'm not worried about her not getting picked for the play because she doesn't have the same social capital as other kids. But I do wonder if teachers use popularity as a proxy for confidence or competence and if it will affect things like letters of recommendation for HS applications, middle school course selection, or leadership projects. |
Anonymous
| In private school, kids of the rich donors do get better treatment. And being on the fringes of a clique is worse than not having any connection to it. People on the fringes are always triving to get in, and the people who are in know that the fringers will do anything to get in. It's an unhealthy imbalanced dynamic. Maybe this school is not a good fit if it's causing you so much anxiety. |
Anonymous
OP here. These parents are rich/popular and the kids are popular but at our school "rich" is not synonymous with "biggest donors" (we are actually among that group!). And I'm happy to be outside the clique, just want to make sure that there isn't some downside I'm not considering my for my DD if she's not running around with those kids. The school feels like a good fit, but ~1/3rd of the parents and kids aren't a great match for us as a family. |
Anonymous
| Huh? This is a concern people have? I'd prefer my kid not be in that group. Especially if a girl. Lots of eating disorders, drugs, alcohol and early sexual activities in that group. No thanks. |
Anonymous
This is ridiculous. Our family has been at one of the fancy-schmanchiest private schools for almost 10 years and have never observed donors’ kids getting special/better treatment. They’ve always been lovely to our FA kid. OP, it sounds like your daughter has a wonderful friend group. The most popular queen bees are rarely the happiest. Don’t overthink it. |
Anonymous
|
I was part of the "in" crowd in high school. Looking back now, I can see that it really wasn't all that great. While I had some good friends in that group, there were also many in that group that were not great influences. There was always that feeling of needing to fit into a certain mold, dress a certain way, act a certain way, etc. I don't think I was really myself during those years.
DH on the other hand was more part of the unpopular crowd. His friends from high school are still some of his best friends. He was picked on a lot in middle school but by high school people left him alone. So at the time, I think he had it harder but looking back now it almost seems like his high school experience was better because he was who he was and surrounded himself with people who liked that. I don't care what group DS is in as long as he's happy. I want him to have friends where he can be himself and his friends like him for that. He's in 5th grade and I think we were fortunate enough that the classes are small enough where there really isn't a set "popular" group like there was for me growing up. |
Anonymous
|
OP, if someone told you it’s a problem, what would you do about it?
Your child is happy and seems to have learned some valuable lessons about navigating friendships. Let it be. It’s totally fine. |
Anonymous
If you donate you should be fine then. Normally schools try to keep donors happy. |
Anonymous
|
Is this a real question? A joke? A troll?
Why on earth would it be a problem? |
Anonymous
| Glad DD saved herself from the horrors of being a theater kid! |
Anonymous
Seriously. This thread is excruciating to read. |
Anonymous
Same here. I don’t want either of my children in this group. I see a clearer, more positive path through k-12 if they stay away from these pressures. |
Anonymous
| You sound like you have no confidence sad! |
Anonymous
| Normal people don’t think this way |
Anonymous
| This is a parody amirite? |