Teenage boy’s room is disgusting

[Anonymous]

It doesn't much matter if it's normal or not because it is disgusting. He's old enough to be taking care of himself: make his own breakfast, clean his room, and wash his clothes. If he's too busy with school and extra curriculars, then cut out some of the extra curriculars until he can maintain himself.

These are basic life skills.

[Anonymous]

My friend's kid was exactly the same way. I'd think it was her writing but her kid is already in college where he's a hot mess.

There is a balance between scaffolding and enabling and you need to find it. The overall thrust for your approach to parenting needs to be that everything you do is about TEACHING them to not just do self-care on their own, but to THINK about the need to do these things on their own. Start with making a self-care calendar or schedule that you put on paper and hang in a prominent place. Every Thursday night can be laundry time when he gathers every single item on the floor and either hangs it up or washes it. Every Sunday night can be the time for a weekly review of special events or big due dates. Every Tuesday can be when he is in charge of doing something for the entire household/family like cooking dinner, raking leaves/mowing the yard. He needs your help to understand that all this stuff (clean clothing, cooked meals served on clean dishes) doesn't just happen magically. It can happen haphazardly, but that's a crappy and stressful way to live. As others have said, get him into this new way of living life now, while he's home. It will be extremely difficult to figure this out alone at college with nobody there to help show him the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's kid was exactly the same way. I'd think it was her writing but her kid is already in college where he's a hot mess.

There is a balance between scaffolding and enabling and you need to find it. The overall thrust for your approach to parenting needs to be that everything you do is about TEACHING them to not just do self-care on their own, but to THINK about the need to do these things on their own. Start with making a self-care calendar or schedule that you put on paper and hang in a prominent place. Every Thursday night can be laundry time when he gathers every single item on the floor and either hangs it up or washes it. Every Sunday night can be the time for a weekly review of special events or big due dates. Every Tuesday can be when he is in charge of doing something for the entire household/family like cooking dinner, raking leaves/mowing the yard. He needs your help to understand that all this stuff (clean clothing, cooked meals served on clean dishes) doesn't just happen magically. It can happen haphazardly, but that's a crappy and stressful way to live. As others have said, get him into this new way of living life now, while he's home. It will be extremely difficult to figure this out alone at college with nobody there to help show him the way.

Ugh, no. 'Self-care calendar' GMAFB

This calls for tough love

"Go clean your room and don't come out till its done. I'll inspect when its done and if its not clean, you're starting over"

"Put the bowl down. All food must be consumed in the kitchen."

"oh, you don't have clean clothes for practice, then guess what, you're not going to practice"

[Anonymous]

Here's what we did (and buy a book about helping organize the ADHD teen).

Set aside a weekend, and take lots of breaks as you go. Goal: extreme minimalist. Empty the room of all but the furniture and rugs. Even the closet. Deep clean.

Step 1: Clothing

Help him sort clothing and decide together where each category of clothing will go. Teach him how to fold/hang and put it all away in an organized way. Label drawers if you have to for now. Don't overstiuff anything. Eliminate things that don't fit into the designated spot. Put a laundry hamper in the room. Get hooks for bags and hoodies; a hanging shoe holder works to organize more than just shoes in a closet.

Step 2: Study NEEDs

If the room is used for studying, help him decide the absolute minimum of things he needs to have in and on his desk/drawers, in and on a bookshelf. Choose a way to organize the bookshelf -- by class, by category of item, etc.) Keep any other "desk or bookshelf " item out of the room (no "extras just in case" go in the room; store it elsewhere if you feel you have to have extras on hand).

Step 3: Bed and bedside table:

What do you really need here? What would you have to have in a hotel room? Limit him to that.

Step 4: What's left that has to be in the room?

Go through whatever has not been returned to the room and decide:

- do you need it?
- if so, does it need to be in this room?
- if not, find a better place for it; if so, find an organized dedicated in room home for it.
- if it is a sentimental "want," where can it go in the room that will not be distracting or become clutter?

Step 5: All the other stuff

Sort by trash (have a bag or two ready), donate (have boxes ready), find another spot in the house (put it there right away).

After this, take a photo of the room, print it and post it on the back of the bedroom door. For a the next 4 weeks, every Saturday morning, compare the room to the photo and have him set it right, help as needed, this is a new learned skill. Then every two weeks then once a month. The goal is to form a habit, and that takes 90 days of consistency. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Adding that you need to stop being a doormat, as others have said. Absolutely no food should leave the food areas unless you are the one doing it or approving it. I'll sometimes take snacks upstairs to my son's room if he's got friends over. But I collect the tray and leftovers afterward and make sure he cleans any crumbs or spills as soon as his guests leave. And the phones need to be in your possession every day until they've earned them by doing their tasks. Compared to my friends and family, I'm considered a pretty chill parent, so this is not too much to ask, if you're wondering.

As for expensive clothing -- Are you sure he even likes that style? It seems really odd that a kid would basically ruin new stuff by dumping food on them if he intended to wear them. I'm not sure which is worse, destroying something expensive you don't like instead of returning it to the store, or staining something you intend to wear. Either way, that's just really messed up and deserving of punishment. He'd be using a flip phone for a month if he did that at my house. Have you shown him the receipt and explained how many hours he'd have to work at Starbuck's to buy them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what we did (and buy a book about helping organize the ADHD teen).

Set aside a weekend, and take lots of breaks as you go. Goal: extreme minimalist. Empty the room of all but the furniture and rugs. Even the closet. Deep clean.

Step 1: Clothing

Help him sort clothing and decide together where each category of clothing will go. Teach him how to fold/hang and put it all away in an organized way. Label drawers if you have to for now. Don't overstiuff anything. Eliminate things that don't fit into the designated spot. Put a laundry hamper in the room. Get hooks for bags and hoodies; a hanging shoe holder works to organize more than just shoes in a closet.

Step 2: Study NEEDs

If the room is used for studying, help him decide the absolute minimum of things he needs to have in and on his desk/drawers, in and on a bookshelf. Choose a way to organize the bookshelf -- by class, by category of item, etc.) Keep any other "desk or bookshelf " item out of the room (no "extras just in case" go in the room; store it elsewhere if you feel you have to have extras on hand).

Step 3: Bed and bedside table:

What do you really need here? What would you have to have in a hotel room? Limit him to that.

Step 4: What's left that has to be in the room?

Go through whatever has not been returned to the room and decide:

- do you need it?
- if so, does it need to be in this room?
- if not, find a better place for it; if so, find an organized dedicated in room home for it.
- if it is a sentimental "want," where can it go in the room that will not be distracting or become clutter?

Step 5: All the other stuff

Sort by trash (have a bag or two ready), donate (have boxes ready), find another spot in the house (put it there right away).

After this, take a photo of the room, print it and post it on the back of the bedroom door. For a the next 4 weeks, every Saturday morning, compare the room to the photo and have him set it right, help as needed, this is a new learned skill. Then every two weeks then once a month. The goal is to form a habit, and that takes 90 days of consistency. Good luck.

GREAT great great advice. Be a team with him in this.

We had to do something similar with our DS, who is a bit younger, but was having similar struggles. Bedroom has to be really spartan. He has a loft bed, which might be a little juvenile for your 16 year old, but it works to keep it simple and organized with no place to hide stuff. When we moved his dresser there were wrappers, trash, things he thought he lost months ago. It was gross. We also let him spiff things up with LED lights, which I personally don't care for but at least gives him some feeling that it's a space he enjoys too. Other than that, very little in the room other than a dresser, a simple desk and small bookshelf under the loft, and a peg rail. His closet has hanging items and no place to hide or store anything extra.

[Anonymous]

He needs way less stuff. Way less. Like 7 outfits TOTAL, plus maybe a dress shirt or two. Stop giving him paper money. Immediately confiscate it and put it in an account in his name. Really really pare down to bare bones what is in his room. He can’t hide things if there is almost nothing there. Then tell him he can’t go to sleep until the room is picked up and you enforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what we did (and buy a book about helping organize the ADHD teen).

Set aside a weekend, and take lots of breaks as you go. Goal: extreme minimalist. Empty the room of all but the furniture and rugs. Even the closet. Deep clean.

Step 1: Clothing

Help him sort clothing and decide together where each category of clothing will go. Teach him how to fold/hang and put it all away in an organized way. Label drawers if you have to for now. Don't overstiuff anything. Eliminate things that don't fit into the designated spot. Put a laundry hamper in the room. Get hooks for bags and hoodies; a hanging shoe holder works to organize more than just shoes in a closet.

Step 2: Study NEEDs

If the room is used for studying, help him decide the absolute minimum of things he needs to have in and on his desk/drawers, in and on a bookshelf. Choose a way to organize the bookshelf -- by class, by category of item, etc.) Keep any other "desk or bookshelf " item out of the room (no "extras just in case" go in the room; store it elsewhere if you feel you have to have extras on hand).

Step 3: Bed and bedside table:

What do you really need here? What would you have to have in a hotel room? Limit him to that.

Step 4: What's left that has to be in the room?

Go through whatever has not been returned to the room and decide:

- do you need it?
- if so, does it need to be in this room?
- if not, find a better place for it; if so, find an organized dedicated in room home for it.
- if it is a sentimental "want," where can it go in the room that will not be distracting or become clutter?

Step 5: All the other stuff

Sort by trash (have a bag or two ready), donate (have boxes ready), find another spot in the house (put it there right away).

After this, take a photo of the room, print it and post it on the back of the bedroom door. For a the next 4 weeks, every Saturday morning, compare the room to the photo and have him set it right, help as needed, this is a new learned skill. Then every two weeks then once a month. The goal is to form a habit, and that takes 90 days of consistency. Good luck.

^^ Winner, winner! We had to do something similar for our very busy children in the MS years. Habit still isn't quite there but we're much closer.

Pare down and put your foot down: This (photo) is the way it's gonna be.

Hang in there and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Our family therapist said to leave the kids room alone. Don't clean it. It was painful but that is what I did. He also did his own laundry which was painful.

But by sophomore year of college he kept a clean room.

We never punished him for not being clean or nagged him.

Every blue moon he would give me a shirt or pants to throw in with my clothes but that was about it.

He is also an athlete (also plays in college) and it's really hard to "do it all", but he has the right to prioritize his life.

[Anonymous]

Ew, boy moms are not helpful to tomorrow's society are they.

[Anonymous]

OP did that slob join your family at 15? Did you have house rules when he was 10 or 11 about tidying one's room, no food in bedrooms, no wasting mom's laundry work?
I'm pissed that your son will be in my daughter's datibg pool. Shane on you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family therapist said to leave the kids room alone. Don't clean it. It was painful but that is what I did. He also did his own laundry which was painful.

But by sophomore year of college he kept a clean room.

We never punished him for not being clean or nagged him.

Every blue moon he would give me a shirt or pants to throw in with my clothes but that was about it.

He is also an athlete (also plays in college) and it's really hard to "do it all", but he has the right to prioritize his life.

That won’t work with an ADHD kid. You need to show them (many times) how exactly things need to be done.

The poster with the photo idea is spot on.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you share more about what you are ironing?

[Anonymous]

I would set a timer and for twenty minutes a day that he has to clean his room. Stand in the doorway. If he refuses you will pull him from his sport. This is a hygiene/health issue like teeth brushing, you can’t let this keep sliding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our family therapist said to leave the kids room alone. Don't clean it. It was painful but that is what I did. He also did his own laundry which was painful.

But by sophomore year of college he kept a clean room.

We never punished him for not being clean or nagged him.

Every blue moon he would give me a shirt or pants to throw in with my clothes but that was about it.

He is also an athlete (also plays in college) and it's really hard to "do it all", but he has the right to prioritize his life.

That won’t work with an ADHD kid. You need to show them (many times) how exactly things need to be done.

The poster with the photo idea is spot on.

He's ADHD, has dyslexia, OCPD and Tourette's... so yes, you can.

You can put the picture up and go over steps to clean for learning, and make a checklist, but the punishment part isn't going to work.