Teenage boy’s room is disgusting
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My 16 year old DS has ADHD. He’s also an athlete who practices 2-3 hours 6-7 days per week. He’s busy.
I wash and iron his clothes, get up in the morning to make breakfast, pack his lunch and drive him to school (because bus comes way too early). He’s a nice kid. But . . . He’s a slob and disorganized to the point that he has trouble functioning. He hides food in his room. I bought one of those hotel wraps that you use like a bed skirt but it’s stiff so he can’t put bowls under his bed. I mean for years I’d find food under there and this was the only solution. He still puts candy wrappers, tissues, expensive asthma inhalers that are full and sometimes his Invisalign (why under the bed). He has a walk in closet and his own bathroom. Plenty of storage. Today I found a $100 bill my mom gave him just pushed under the bed too. He isn’t allowed a hamper in his room because he’d hide food in there and when he was too lazy to put the clothes I ironed away, he’d dump the ironed clothes in the tall hamper over the bowls. He is always saying he used up his inhaler or has no underwear. Well I know just where to look. Last year I asked him to put away the clothes on his floor - a bunch of new Vineyard Vines things I bought for back to school months prior. He never did. In December, I picked them up, wrapped them and gave them as Christmas presents. 10 months later, he has no idea. I get it that I should be grateful he’s not doing drugs but he refuses all help for ADHD and says he’s too busy for chores (he does a few of them in summer and just weekends though) How can I get him to just put money in a safe place, not hide food under his bed and to value what he has? I don’t think he can handle a job with school and sports but I know that would help this aspect of his life. Is this normal? |
Anonymous
|
No. Not normal.
You are accommodating him, not supporting him. You need to expect certain baseline things and make them happen (with different meds if needed). Please don’t send him to college like this - he won’t make it. |
Anonymous
+1000 
|
Anonymous
| How does he react when you propose tackling his room together to get it organized? |
Anonymous
|
I agree this level is unacceptable and you need to work on this.
But just an anecdote to make you feel better. My (neurotypical) brother used to have a gross room when we were growing up. It ALWAYS smelled. He was in charge of his own laundry but would let it sit too long, he'd leave dishes in there. Drove my mother nuts! One day it was particularly bad and mom threw a fit, saying he was stinking up the whole house, made him take all the dishes out and put them in the dishwasher, and then get all his laundry off the floor. When he picked up the last piece of clothing in the middle of the room, what was under it? A DEAD BIRD. One of the cats must had brought it in like a week before. It was FOUL. He's now a gainfully employed, happily married father of three who loves doing dishes and gets upset if there are any in the sink too long. You can turn this around! Keep trying! |
Anonymous
|
Why are you allowing him out of the kitchen with food at all? Stop doing his laundry - tell him he can handle it, since he's not appreciating that you do it by putting things away. Stop giving him money since he doesn't put it where it goes.
You're enabling these problems completely. |
Anonymous
|
Yes, it is normal. Many parents struggle with teens and their rooms. My first was a slob who as an adult completely reformed. The second is still a work in progress and isn't getting how bad it is to have food/wrappers in his room.
|
Anonymous
|
My ADHD girl (now in college) is a similar slob. But you are coddling him WAAAAY too much, and it won't help him in the long run. Immediately:
- STOP IRONING HIS CLOTHES- this is insane for a teen boy. -stop driving him to school (bus is good for socializing and doing homework. - stop making his daily breakfast (he can get a bowl of cereal. What I did to help my dd was set up realistic goals. - I still wash her laundry (and sometimes fold and put away, when she gets in a funk where she's totally overwhelmed with life. Otherwise, clean laundry goes in a clean laundry basket and sits in her room. She has the dirty laundry hamper also, so many clothes never make it to a drawer, just clean basket to dirty hamper. - i got a small night stand and a couple separate bowls where she can put her jewelry, money, Invisalign, etc. The key is it has to be visible and uncovered so she can see it - keep his clothes simple- not too many or ADHD kids get overwhelmed. -block any crevices in the room where he can stuff things. maybe put his bed on a platform with no room underneath. Stop fighting against the ADHD. Work with it. |
Anonymous
| Mom of 2 boys (18 and 23). My 18 yo has ADHD, struggles with executive functioning, and he's immature emotionally. What you describe does not seem normal to me. I never allowed my kids to take food to their room, so that was never an issue. I had to help my 18yo a lot when he was younger. I would spend time together with him, cleaning and organizing his room. He's still messy and would probably let his bedroom go to hell if I didn't have him on a cleaning schedule. I also will nag him, if need be, about things like changing his sheets, washing his comforter, putting away clean clothes, etc. My 23 yo had a typically messy bedroom as a kid but was always more naturally neat and organized. He didn't need as much guidance. |
Anonymous
1000000% this. And let this be a warning to moms of current MS boys. It's time for them to start setting an alarm in the morning, making their breakfast, doing their laundry, cleaning their bathroom, packing their lunch, etc. Start now, so it doesn't end up like this at 16 |
Anonymous
| I'm the 12:29 poster, I should also add that both of my boys played high-level sports through high school, so they were very busy too. They started doing their own laundry in middle school. They started packing their own lunches in 5th grade. OP, I think you're dong way too much for your kid. |
Anonymous
|
I agree with the PPs that are saying you need to start ASAP.
But I'll add (and might get flamed for this), but some of this is just disrespect and unrelated to the ADHD. You're letting him treat you like a servant or a doormat and both of you are using his diagnosis as an excuse. Start with having some self-respect, and then he'll start to respect you more |
Anonymous
| Please stop doing all this for him. You're not helping him (or your future DIL!!!!). Work on executive functioning skills. Every night I sit with my dd as she goes over her assignment books and calendars. She also cleans her room before bed every night. It used to take a very long time, but now she just basically closes a drawer and she's done. She stopped throwing things on the floor because she knew she'd have to pick them up later. Forcing her to look at the calendar actually got her to start doing it on her own. Baby steps I guess. |
Anonymous
|
I know that we're all starting to pile on here, but, next time you buy him clothes, they should come from Walmart, not Vineyard Vines.
If he won't treat the clothes with respect, he doesn't get good clothes. Once he demonstrates he can wash, fold and put away the walmart clothes, then you can consider a nicer brand. But throwing clean, ironed and folded clothes on top of dirty bowls would be an immediate stop to ALL OF IT |
Anonymous
|
I think it is normal for teens to not care about their rooms, but there need to be limits. For mine- no food allowed in bedrooms, ever, and no clothes or towels on the floor, ever (must be in hamper). Messy is one thing, unsanitary is another. They are require to wash/change sheets and sweep the floor on weekends. Phones taken away if those rules are not followed. Beyond that, they lose items in their own mess, that is their problem- not mine.
I still do most of their laundry during the school year. They pack their own lunches the night before. |