Difficult time dealing with spouse on common sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been together for over eight years. We have one child. In the last 4-5 years we start disagreeing on everything. Even something as simple as teaching how best to learn spelling words or solving basic math. Worse, we even disagree on how to clean dishes! I don't get it. We were never this way in the first 3-4 years of our relationship. My spouse will disagree with me even on subjects where I have 20-25 years professional experience in.

I brought up the subject this week and asked where all this animosity is coming from. All I received was denial of any animosity. I know my spouse is insecure about certain things and it's been admitted during honest conversation (rarely occurs). But, having disagreements on how to raise our kid regarding the most basic of things is crazy to me.

Example: I want our child, who is nine, to learn how to wash their face with water and soap so when they get older they do it as a habit. My spouse doesn't think it's important (and our child plays sports four days a week) and just wiping your face is more than fine. Another example is something as silly as Q-Tips. I want our child to use one each night so it become a habit. My spouse does not, saying they only need to be used 1-2 a week. Yet, our child will come and show us balls of wax in their ear...which would never happen if ears were cleaned every night as a routine.

Is this insecurely multiplied x100? Do spouses disagree this much on common sense items?

Face should be washed but wipe is fine and they'll eventually start washing so don't bother because it gets washed during showers.

Q tips are tge major cause of ear drum damage. Wax is protective. Just use small finger to clean ears, nothing smaller.

That being said, discuss it in front of a neutral party and once frustration is out, both wow to try to be on same page as that unity is more beneficial to your child than ideal method of cleaning his ears or arranging his closet.

[Anonymous]

*vow

[Anonymous]

AND relax. Your kid needs happy and fun parents, not uptight or anxious.

[Anonymous]

Is the child both of your biological child? You say the child is 9 but that you've been together for 8 years. Could some of the animosity and conflict regarding parenting issues stem from the fact that one of you is a step-parent?

[Anonymous]

I disagree with most on here about the face washing. Get them a gentle cleaner like cerave. You do want them to have good hygiene practice now so that it's ingrained when they hit their teens and they start getting a lot of acne. Especially important if they play sports and sweat a lot.

My kids are teens, and they didn't wash their face everyday, but they do now.

qtips - it's fine for him to clean the outside of the ear, the shell, with the qtip, and but probably better to not clean the inside of the ear because a kid wouldn't know how far to go in. But, I do think they should clean the outside of the ear because it can get waxy and gross.

Your DH probably didn't say anything in the early years because it was the "honeymoon" phase, but after many years together, the things that didn't bother him before are probably rearing up now. It happens.

[Anonymous]

I agree these examples are not great.

It's not common sense that a 9 year old should wash their face or even needs wipes. I have two older kids. When they go through puberty and start getting acne if they are prone to it, you'll get them on a routine.

The Q-tip thing is terrible stop doing that. People covered that one.

The fact that you are so confidently portraying your point of view as "common sense" and your spouse is the difficult one is your problem.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse is not responding with animosity to your "common sense" but to your controlling nature. You are a control freak. In the early years of your relationship, he was trying to "go with the flow" and still saw greater value in your personal harmony. After the honeymoon period of your relationship and marriage, he is finding that your controlling nature is very, very hard to live with and he is resisting.

It's very telling how you describe the problems. You say that your spouse disagrees with you even in areas where you have 25 years of professional experience. I have 30 years of professional experience, but my experience tells me to always be open to new ideas. Just because something has worked for years, does not mean that changing conditions don't warrant reconsidering how you do something. I rely on experience to determine a starting point, but the world continues to change and relying only on your experience can mean that you are stagnating rather that doing the right thing. You also characterize his position as insecurity about certain things including parenting. That's also wrong. You can have parenting rules that you start from, but every child is different and what worked for you as a child or what worked for your parents or your neighbor or the family down the street may be wrong for your child. You need to be open to considering that your child may need different options and you need to be open-minded.

All I read from your OP is that you are steadfast in believing that you are right, your spouse is wrong, that you have more experience and he needs to respect your experience and that you are tired of him arguing with you when you are right. Control freak and a very strong one.

I can't tell who is right or wrong in any individual situation (although I believe you are wrong in both of your examples). I only know that you are the type of partner that drives divorces statistics up. You need to relax and be open to discussion, real discussion, not just you telling him and expecting him to kowtow to your decision, about your family life. You seemingly go into arguments/discussions with only the intent to be right and have him follow, rather than being open to discuss and open to different ideas. That's bad for a marriage and bad for parenting.

[Anonymous]

Your examples are not common sense, but you clearly think your DH lacks common sense, which is demeaning to him, and he is probably reacting to that sense of being judged.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I have had similar struggles with my DH, over things I think are important that he doesn't want to enforce. In this case, you seriously have to pick your battles and focus what is truly important. When he sees you dropping some of the many requirements that aren't really essential (or common sense), he may be willing to be more supportive on stuff that truly matters.

[Anonymous]

Ii bet your spouse feels.lije they don't have a voice when it comes to raising the kid and household stuff and they vare tired of doing stuff your way.

You've got to let things go ..the person who loads the dishwasher is in charge.. other spouse says nothing.

Same with homework.

You are both wrong about qtips they should never be used

Most DCUM ers have poor hygiene and their kids do too they will claim you don't need soap or to bathe daily but I see them.and their kids daily and they smell and are greasy.

A gentle cleansing soap is fine.. just make it part of routine home , shower clean face, dinner, homework etc.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. You think it is important, but you can see that it isn't necessarily (based on the varied responses here). So it is up to you to make it happen. No harranging or getting on your DH to help. You want your son to use a q-tip in his ears every night? You make sure that happens. You want him to floss every night (and your DH thinks 3x a week is OK?)? You have to make it happen. You want your son to wash his face separate from taking a shower? YOU have to make it happen.

No whining, no complaining. These are not really important things. Your rigidness means YOU have to implement.

But I'd also suggest that before you lay these rules down in the future you have a discussion (rather than just a pronouncement about what is right) with your DH about expectations.

[Anonymous]

FWiW, more important than the face washing and eardrum bursting I think is actually making sure your son washes his glans and foreskin. Because ... that area can get disGUStine.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I can't be of more help OP. But I can relate I'm married to a person with zero common sense. We didn't move in together until 2 weeks after we were married. I regret that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree your examples are common sense issues. For one, you should not use a q-tip on a child. They can easily perforate their ear drums--even my doctor warns me not to use it as an adult.

This plus young kids should not being using q-tips on their own ears themselves. Wtf.

Is this an overly wordy, nonsense Troll post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soap is bad for your skin, it dries it out. Wiping with warm water is best.

If you're needing Q-tips daily, you have more earwax than 99.9999% of the population. I would make this a weekly check, after the bath, or when wax is visible only.

I think it's you, OP, who needs to be a lot more flexible and a lot more reflective. You are just wrong about some of these things, and "common sense" isn't the single right answer you think it is.

You only bath with water. Gross AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd suggest counseling to learn how to communicate and that winning every battle can lead to loss of the war (divorce). The things you raise are things people can differ about. Washing ears with soap and water in bath or shower is better than Q tips for example. If either of you have anxiety that is amplifying the need to control, also treat that. This is a toxic environment for your kid.

Agree with this. You sound like you are both opinionated and regimented. A lot of people are, but when they pair up, it leads to conflict. You didn't wind up with a "yes dear" spouse, but that's actually a positive thing because it means you'll have to lean in to your conflict resolution skills.