Difficult time dealing with spouse on common sense

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have been together for over eight years. We have one child. In the last 4-5 years we start disagreeing on everything. Even something as simple as teaching how best to learn spelling words or solving basic math. Worse, we even disagree on how to clean dishes! I don't get it. We were never this way in the first 3-4 years of our relationship. My spouse will disagree with me even on subjects where I have 20-25 years professional experience in.

I brought up the subject this week and asked where all this animosity is coming from. All I received was denial of any animosity. I know my spouse is insecure about certain things and it's been admitted during honest conversation (rarely occurs). But, having disagreements on how to raise our kid regarding the most basic of things is crazy to me.

Example: I want our child, who is nine, to learn how to wash their face with water and soap so when they get older they do it as a habit. My spouse doesn't think it's important (and our child plays sports four days a week) and just wiping your face is more than fine. Another example is something as silly as Q-Tips. I want our child to use one each night so it become a habit. My spouse does not, saying they only need to be used 1-2 a week. Yet, our child will come and show us balls of wax in their ear...which would never happen if ears were cleaned every night as a routine.

Is this insecurely multiplied x100? Do spouses disagree this much on common sense items?

[Anonymous]

I don't agree your examples are common sense issues. For one, you should not use a q-tip on a child. They can easily perforate their ear drums--even my doctor warns me not to use it as an adult.

[Anonymous]

You are both wrong about Q-tips, you never need to use them at all.

All partnerships have disagreements and differences but you have to find a way to work through them respectfully. If you can’t figure that out on your own, try marriage counseling maybe. I would not let the issue fester or it could really damage your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree your examples are common sense issues. For one, you should not use a q-tip on a child. They can easily perforate their ear drums--even my doctor warns me not to use it as an adult.

Agreed. Even if you tell your kid just to clean the outer part of their ear, I'd be concerned they would also go in and could cause damage.

It sounds like you guys have a big communication issue. You're always right and your way of doing things is right. That can lead to animosity after awhile.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re both being very rigid. What you call “common sense” really isn’t. My kids have never washed their faces with soap, for example.

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound like you have common sense. You sound like you are the insecure one who needs everything to go their way.

Who has an opinion on how to learn spelling words? Let the kid figure out what works for them (yes, by failing a test if needed).

[Anonymous]

Soap is bad for your skin, it dries it out. Wiping with warm water is best.

If you're needing Q-tips daily, you have more earwax than 99.9999% of the population. I would make this a weekly check, after the bath, or when wax is visible only.

I think it's you, OP, who needs to be a lot more flexible and a lot more reflective. You are just wrong about some of these things, and "common sense" isn't the single right answer you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Can you give other examples? Because the ones you listed are not great.

[Anonymous]

I don’t wash my face with soap. Ever. Also only use a-tips when my ears itch.

Your examples have less to do with common sense and more to do with wanting your way.

[Anonymous]

Team DH. You sound rigid, and both of your examples show a difference of opinion. If you want your kid to wash his face, you can tell him to do so, but don't try to make DH get on board. You shouldn't stick Qtips in your ears, though. That's just a bad idea. If your kids has earwax build up, they can be rinsed out at the pediatrician's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give other examples? Because the ones you listed are not great.

+1

[Anonymous]

pls talk to your child's pediatrician about how humans are supposed to clean their ears.

[Anonymous]

I also barely ever wash my face except in the shower. It's not been a problem yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. You sound rigid, and both of your examples show a difference of opinion. If you want your kid to wash his face, you can tell him to do so, but don't try to make DH get on board. You shouldn't stick Qtips in your ears, though. That's just a bad idea. If your kids has earwax build up, they can be rinsed out at the pediatrician's.

+1. You sound ridiculous based on your examples. Your husband doesn’t seem to be the problem here. You need to LET IT GO.

I’ve never thought one bit about “how to teach spelling”. I have no idea if my husband would do it the same way I might. He does the laundry differently than me — I DON’T CARE, I appreciate he is doing the laundry. We load the dishwasher differently — I DON’T CARE.

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest counseling to learn how to communicate and that winning every battle can lead to loss of the war (divorce). The things you raise are things people can differ about. Washing ears with soap and water in bath or shower is better than Q tips for example. If either of you have anxiety that is amplifying the need to control, also treat that. This is a toxic environment for your kid.