How to support DH with ailing ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'd better hope they don't come closer, OP. It entirely sucks to be the go-to adult child caregiver, even if there's money to hire professional caregivers.

So be discreet for now.

What are your own plans for your old age?

PP you replied to. I'm an only child, and plan on helping my parents. I also try to model loving care to my kids, whom I hope will have some modicum of decency towards me in my old age. It looks like I'll have enough money to outsource care, but I do hope they will oversee things and come visit from time to time.

But I'm talking reality here, PPs. Elder care sucks entirely. Your husband has no idea what he might be taking on, so don't encourage him. He can still be a loving son if he hires caregivers and keeps his parents in their home. This is what my MIL wants, and what my husband pays for: round the clock caregivers so she can stay in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You'd better hope they don't come closer, OP. It entirely sucks to be the go-to adult child caregiver, even if there's money to hire professional caregivers.

So be discreet for now.

What are your own plans for your old age?

PP you replied to. I'm an only child, and plan on helping my parents. I also try to model loving care to my kids, whom I hope will have some modicum of decency towards me in my old age. It looks like I'll have enough money to outsource care, but I do hope they will oversee things and come visit from time to time.

But I'm talking reality here, PPs. Elder care sucks entirely. Your husband has no idea what he might be taking on, so don't encourage him. He can still be a loving son if he hires caregivers and keeps his parents in their home. This is what my MIL wants, and what my husband pays for: round the clock caregivers so she can stay in her home.

OP here and I’m not the PP who wrote that back to you. But my ILs are in a two story house with no shower or bathroom or bedroom on the first floor. When their own parents did this they ended up living in a hospital bed in a single room and getting an occasional sponge bath while the house fell down around them. It still cost millions. Money aside (because they have it, and we could contribute a lot too) it was sad to watch and I know that is not what they truly want. If it was a relatively new one story house that would be different.

[Anonymous]

PS they will not live with us no matter what. That is not on the table. The idea is for them to be close enough to one child that someone can keep an eye on regular care takers and coordinate medical care. Right now no one is close enough to do that regularly.

[Anonymous]

My parents dragged their feet for years. Well, mom did. Dad was ready to move in his late 70s. Fortunately? Mom died suddenly at 79 and dad then moved to a CCRC. He has never been happier. Truly. He’s 88 now and just won an award for a program he started there. So much pressure is off me as the only daughter. He gets meals and is monitored. And he can get more care if he needs it. Worth retiring with a million more than you think you need.

Will any of these older folks listen? My mother never did.

[Anonymous]

Classic nightmare and we are living this with my in-laws also. There may be some interim steps you can take to be prepared for when the crisis actually forces the issue.

For instance if your husband is excited to have them near him and they are excited to talk about that, maybe you could get them to establish a joint account, or put him on one of their accounts, just as a step towards ”being ready when the time comes”. The ability to access their money in an emergency be a lifesaver no matter where they are located.

Also, your husband’s research won’t be in vain if he is prepared with options if there is a crisis and someone has to be discharged from the hospital - can they go to a rehab center or something like that near you. There will come a time when there will need to be some sort of intermediate level of care and, sadly, the opportunity for that often comes after a crisis. So if he was ready with information for intake at a facility closer to you, that would help smooth and expedite relocation “temporarily”.

In my experience, I was able to get a lot more accomplished under the guise of “this is just for the short term”, or “this is just for when the time comes”, or “this is in case you go into the hospital and we have to take care of dad”, or “this is just to make sure we’re able to pay the bills/keep the lights on/keep your phones paid for in case you both sick at the same time” and so on.

I could not get my mother to plan adequately for her certain decline and death, but she was able to plan for illness or being sidelined for a short term. And the argument of we need a way to be able to take care of Dad if you are not around for a few weeks really spoke to her. So, there being away for me to make sure I could maintain things until she was recovered was a scenario she could participate in.

Good luck op. Sadly, there really isn’t an easy way through this phase.