How to support DH with ailing ILs

[Anonymous]

My ILs do not currently live near any of their children. They live in an older house that is completely unsuitable for their ages and all kids have put on a united front of asking them to move into something without stairs and ideally with little/no upkeep. ILs agree in theory they need to move but have been putting it off. I know this happens all the time- it happened with DH’s grandparents as well. Well now there’s a medical issue and they really really have to do something ASAP.

For various reasons everyone expected them to eventually move close to one particular child. They have announced that instead they will move near DH and I (considerably further from their current home than the other sibling). I’m fine with this, and all siblings are mostly fine but surprised. DH is ECSTATIC. Like I’m really surprised how excited he is. When they first announced this he went wild looking for good situations for them and making plans. It was very sweet. Now they have stalled again and nothing is happening and DH and siblings are getting increasingly stressed. I am torn between trying to advise DH not to get his hopes up (they may end up staying in their totally inappropriate home due to inertia and eventually we will have to hire round the clock care). I honestly don’t want that to happen- it would be nice to have them close and in a more stable situation. But my DH constantly gets let down by his parents saying they will visit or do x thing and then he’s crushed when they don’t. And this is a big thing and he’s really excited and now also really stressed and thinks he can figure this out and find something perfect that will do the trick to get his parents to move. But I just don’t see how DH and siblings can do anything to get his parents to actually take action. So far I’m just listening and trying to be sympathetic. There’s nothing else to be done right? They have to actually make the decision for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs do not currently live near any of their children. They live in an older house that is completely unsuitable for their ages and all kids have put on a united front of asking them to move into something without stairs and ideally with little/no upkeep. ILs agree in theory they need to move but have been putting it off. I know this happens all the time- it happened with DH’s grandparents as well. Well now there’s a medical issue and they really really have to do something ASAP.

For various reasons everyone expected them to eventually move close to one particular child. They have announced that instead they will move near DH and I (considerably further from their current home than the other sibling). I’m fine with this, and all siblings are mostly fine but surprised. DH is ECSTATIC. Like I’m really surprised how excited he is. When they first announced this he went wild looking for good situations for them and making plans. It was very sweet. Now they have stalled again and nothing is happening and DH and siblings are getting increasingly stressed. I am torn between trying to advise DH not to get his hopes up (they may end up staying in their totally inappropriate home due to inertia and eventually we will have to hire round the clock care). I honestly don’t want that to happen- it would be nice to have them close and in a more stable situation. But my DH constantly gets let down by his parents saying they will visit or do x thing and then he’s crushed when they don’t. And this is a big thing and he’s really excited and now also really stressed and thinks he can figure this out and find something perfect that will do the trick to get his parents to move. But I just don’t see how DH and siblings can do anything to get his parents to actually take action. So far I’m just listening and trying to be sympathetic. There’s nothing else to be done right? They have to actually make the decision for themselves.

Yup. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Siblings all plan a weekend at IL' house, meet with a relater and start working out the logistics of the sale, move and where they are going to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Siblings all plan a weekend at IL' house, meet with a relater and start working out the logistics of the sale, move and where they are going to.

This. The ILs need support in taking the actual steps to sell the house. The siblings and your DH should stop talking about “what” they should do or “if” they will move and get down to brass tacks on what needs to happen when. My mom was so overwhelmed with all the decisions that even though she at first balked on us getting more involved, it ended up being a big relief.

[Anonymous]

Your DH and siblings need to make this happen. That means taking over the actual burden of helping them pack up, finding a new place for them, selling their existing home and all that entails. It’s a ton of work and too much for a lot of elderly people.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband the scapegoat? And everyone thought they would move near the golden child? But instead, they want the scapegoat to do all the hard work? Because him being ecstatic about this seems odd.

[Anonymous]

You'd better hope they don't come closer, OP. It entirely sucks to be the go-to adult child caregiver, even if there's money to hire professional caregivers.

So be discreet for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the scapegoat? And everyone thought they would move near the golden child? But instead, they want the scapegoat to do all the hard work? Because him being ecstatic about this seems odd.

PP has a point. My MIL is being cared for by the scapegoat. I married the golden child and we're out of the country. My spouse spends a good chunk of his time managing his mother's finances, emotional and medical needs from afar (he's a doctor), but... nothing beats the drudgery and "front line" feel of daily care.

I've really seen how "familiarity breeds contempt" is true in my husband's family. My erstwhile reasonable and pleasant MIL continually needles the son who takes care of her, and their relationship has deteriorated; but her admiration of my husband has reached new heights since he left the country. It's not fair at all!

I'm an only child, with a critical and irrational mother. I know that when the time comes to care for her, she'll make my life hell, just like she did when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'd better hope they don't come closer, OP. It entirely sucks to be the go-to adult child caregiver, even if there's money to hire professional caregivers.

So be discreet for now.

Well, if every kid thought like that, what would they do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'd better hope they don't come closer, OP. It entirely sucks to be the go-to adult child caregiver, even if there's money to hire professional caregivers.

So be discreet for now.

What are your own plans for your old age?

[Anonymous]

In our case, all of his siblings wanted for his parents to move in with us. Even though we already took care of all expenses and another sibling inherited parental house. So basically, they wanted us to pay for everything, physically do everything and inherit nothing.

At least your DH's siblings aren't taking away the inheritance and leaving you to deal with financial, physical, mental and logistical burden. Things could be worse. Help your ILs move in a small ground floor condo and have a meeting with other siblings to share moving tasks and other ongoing duties fairly.

[Anonymous]

And you are lucky to not be an only child. At least there is someone else to share this responsibility. Working as an efficient team would help everyone know what to expect.

[Anonymous]

This was my ILs.
Talked about moving for quite a while, but they didn't really mean it. They had no idea how bad it could get.

After a major medical emergency involving ambulance and police breaking into their house to help them, everyone realized that the time when they had been capable of making their own decisions had passed and they they were left to scramble and get POA and tale care of other things so ILs could be cared for appropriately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was my ILs.
Talked about moving for quite a while, but they didn't really mean it. They had no idea how bad it could get.

After a major medical emergency involving ambulance and police breaking into their house to help them, everyone realized that the time when they had been capable of making their own decisions had passed and they they were left to scramble and get POA and tale care of other things so ILs could be cared for appropriately.

This is OP, I didn’t mean to abandon the thread. But this is probably what will happen. My MIL hates making decisions and they are talking a good talk but nothing is ever good enough to actually move into. We will see. They are not at the point yet where anyone has power of actor anything like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your husband the scapegoat? And everyone thought they would move near the golden child? But instead, they want the scapegoat to do all the hard work? Because him being ecstatic about this seems odd.

Interesting. My DH siblings have always said he was the golden child but I’ve actually wondered if that is true. They are very proud of him and talk about his accomplishments a lot but have generally given more money and attention to the other sibling that they were expecting to move near. My DH has a pretty good relationship with his siblings so not looking to poison any thing but you may have a point.

My DH always thinks everything will go well and be easy. It’s sweet until you are the one dealing with the reality of things not going well and being easy. But I expect to take a similar role with my parents so it only seems fair to support him in this.