Ex told DC our financial arrangment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Why? Is dad paying for it all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Yes, people don’t usually share their salaries, and you should teach your child not to ask people what they earn, but what you paid for your house is not confidential information. Anyone can look it up. While it’s not important information for a 12 year old to know, it’s also not worth trying to hide, either. Perhaps child was curious about what houses cost or how one parent could afford the house on one income?

My kids are teenagers, but we’re going through a divorce and the kids know that one parent has an earning potential far above the other parent. They’re relieved to know that the lower earner will not end up destitute because the higher earner will contribute more towards their expenses. We don’t give them actual figures, but they’ve expressed concern about such things, and they were reassured that we’re not fighting about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Really? I have told my kids my salary and what we paid for the house. I think it’s good for kids to know this kind of stuff. (My salary is not particularly high, and our house was not particularly expensive.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Why? Is dad paying for it all?

Obviously at least the majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Really? I have told my kids my salary and what we paid for the house. I think it’s good for kids to know this kind of stuff. (My salary is not particularly high, and our house was not particularly expensive.)

+1.

I see no value in concealing these things from my kids. I think it's important for them to understand where the money comes from, what it pays for, etc. Age-appropriate answers are important, so I think it depends on what the OP's child was told.

It also depends a bit what the split is and what the incomes in question are. I have never felt concerned disclosing financial information to my daughter about her dad or me, because we live pretty normal upper middle class professional lives. Sharing my salary with DD does not give her any cause to be concerned that we won't be able to pay for the things she needs and wants. She also recognizes that neither one of us makes so much money that she can just do whatever and spend whatever she wants. It creates a realistic impression of the cost of her life.

[Anonymous]

Are you living off the exes salary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you living off the exes salary?

Do you think that would make it more or less appropriate to conceal the salary?

For example, my ex doesn't pay anything for our child. Not a penny. He also is not involved in her life in most other ways. They talk a few times a year, at his preference. Should I pretend that he is contributing more than he is? Should I conceal how much I make or lie to her about the reality of him paying no child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 11,I personally think it’s good for the kid to understand at least at a high-level, that both parents are contributing to their expenses. I’m sure some of your concern is that it’s your ex and you’re probably biased to them making a decision separate from you.

I am not divorced. However, at a relatively young age or so, we told our kids, for example, that the credit card we swipe is not an unlimited pot of funds… that although dad works and mom may not that it’s not “dads house” …. That just because mom does most of the shopping that “only mom buys me things”. This is not making finances our kids issue, but making things relevant in teaching.

Of course I’ve discussed things at this elementary level and more. That does not mean dc needs know exactly what percentage each parent contributes and more than they need to know our salaries or what we paid for the house.

Why? Is dad paying for it all?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you living off the exes salary?

No, I have a graduate degree and work full time. Ex does not support my life whatsoever. Only pays for his portion of kid things.

[Anonymous]

Did you take your XH to the cleaners? Because if it was a fair agreement I don’t see the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you take your XH to the cleaners? Because if it was a fair agreement I don’t see the issue.

Uh no. This idea that you can “take someone to the cleaners” beyond what the law stipulates is largely a figment of people who have never been through the process.

[Anonymous]

I am in a blended family and I don’t think this ever came up or was discussed with dc. Although the fact that I can’t remember might mean that it’s not a big deal if it does happen. They know but then it fades.

[Anonymous]

Assuming everything was done fairly, I don't see the issue. Finding out each parent pays proportionally to their salary is fine.

Both parents should have been able to afford similar housing and offer similar lifestyles.

Assuming neither parent tried to pull something funny with custody (insisted on more overnights to get more money or refused 5050 etc) then it is a formula determined. You can explain to a 12 year old how much they cost and where / how the money goes to them. Financial literacy is very important.

[Anonymous]

I am married to my children's father but I work PT and he WAY outearns me. Our kids (similar age to OP's) are perfectly aware that it is Daddy's job that affords us our very nice life. They also understand that Mom and Dad share money evenly and that Mom's schedule is what allows the kids to have their own lives despite Dad's schedule.

[Anonymous]

My child has always known the split. My significant other's were not told, and wow are they damaged by it. Kids don't like things being hidden from them.