Being friendly with/to former friends who were awful to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. I don't operate like this at all.

I would have said something direct way back when to her. You say you don't like gossips but you're kind of part of the problem. Don't ignore people at a wedding.

DP. I don't see anything wrong with OP's slow fade? I get that some people would have said something directly, but I also think that often doesn't accomplish anything. In any case, it does not sound like OP contributed to the problem in the past and I don't consider her desire to avoid interacting with them now as gossip or contributing to a negative dynamic.

I'd also be pissed if I found out a friend of mine was gossiping about my marriage or kids with others. It's a betrayal.

I wouldn't outright ignore but I would not engage at all. Tight smile, at most a "nice to see you" and then move on. If I got seated at the same table, I'd position myself so I was as far as possible from the former friend and then engage whoever was in the other direction in conversation. It would be uncomfortable but I could get through it.

[Anonymous]

I would act like it’s someone you just met but have no interest in getting to know. Polite, vague, fake smile, totally uninvested, classy, keep it short, move away. Do not answer a single question you don’t want to answer. Use vague responses like “oh, you know!” Make sure they see you as confident and happy and not caring about them at all. If you can scope out the seating chart when you arrive, if you’re at the same table, sit as far from them as possible. If you’re stuck next to them, spend as little time actually sitting down as possible. Get your hair done before the wedding. Feel confident. She’s a gossipy jerk and you’re v better without them.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and make sure you report back to us afterward!!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to recalibrate if you think her behavior was “awful.” Just be polite and normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would act like it’s someone you just met but have no interest in getting to know. Polite, vague, fake smile, totally uninvested, classy, keep it short, move away. Do not answer a single question you don’t want to answer. Use vague responses like “oh, you know!” Make sure they see you as confident and happy and not caring about them at all. If you can scope out the seating chart when you arrive, if you’re at the same table, sit as far from them as possible. If you’re stuck next to them, spend as little time actually sitting down as possible. Get your hair done before the wedding. Feel confident. She’s a gossipy jerk and you’re v better without them.

+1

My friend went through this with a neighbor claiming my friend is so negative (among other false statements) - my friend is the funniest person I know, and not at all what anyone could construe as negative. Gossips gonna gossip, OP. Be confident and move on - you owe her nothing. Is it possible the gossip is jealous of you, or mad that you have her number, so to speak? Either or both seem likely. Bad people, with malicious intent, don't like being found out.

[Anonymous]

Don’t make a scene. Don’t look like a fool.

Do Fake friendly and get out of the conversation.

Have you really not ever encountered this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would act like it’s someone you just met but have no interest in getting to know. Polite, vague, fake smile, totally uninvested, classy, keep it short, move away. Do not answer a single question you don’t want to answer. Use vague responses like “oh, you know!” Make sure they see you as confident and happy and not caring about them at all. If you can scope out the seating chart when you arrive, if you’re at the same table, sit as far from them as possible. If you’re stuck next to them, spend as little time actually sitting down as possible. Get your hair done before the wedding. Feel confident. She’s a gossipy jerk and you’re v better without them.

OP here. This is really helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would act like it’s someone you just met but have no interest in getting to know. Polite, vague, fake smile, totally uninvested, classy, keep it short, move away. Do not answer a single question you don’t want to answer. Use vague responses like “oh, you know!” Make sure they see you as confident and happy and not caring about them at all. If you can scope out the seating chart when you arrive, if you’re at the same table, sit as far from them as possible. If you’re stuck next to them, spend as little time actually sitting down as possible. Get your hair done before the wedding. Feel confident. She’s a gossipy jerk and you’re v better without them.

OP here. This is really helpful, thank you.

I would also suggest choosing seats 3-4 people away if you’re at a round table (and obviously if you’re seated together). That way you won’t be staring at her every time you look up from your plate.

[Anonymous]

^ agree with above. Limit any energy you give these people and don’t give them any information you don’t want to. General answers are good, nothing specific. Don’t get flustered, be internally amused by any interaction. Have your excuse to move away from them ready. Ex friends who didn’t treat you well don’t deserve to be back in your life. They’ve showed their stripes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's everyone's take on this? Was discussing it with my DH last night because we're going to a wedding soon which will likely also be attended by a couple we were friends with several years ago but fell out with because we found out the wife had been gossiping about me/us. We never had a fight or anything, but after I found out what she was saying, I stopped inviting them over and did a slow fade on her (at first just turning down invites but eventually just not even responding to texts). I don't like gossips and the stuff she was saying felt very invasive and unkind (comments about my marriage, my kids, and my intelligence -- just off limits stuff in my book).

I told DH I would just ignore them all night but he thinks that will stir up more drama. He thinks we should be smiley and friendly with them. I get his point -- doing this is definitely "taking the high ground" and is more likely to make it look like we don't care about them at all, which is good. But honestly, I'm not sure I'm capable of that. I can see myself interacting with them but I don't think I could fake friendliness.

What says DCUM? Cold shoulder or fake friendly? And if the latter, how best to accomplish it when you really don't feel it?

np Well, you are assuming they will want to talk to you, right? After all, you did the fade with them and never explained or asked gave them opportunity to make things right. So in their minds you are the 'bad' guy!