Being friendly with/to former friends who were awful to you

[Anonymous]

What's everyone's take on this? Was discussing it with my DH last night because we're going to a wedding soon which will likely also be attended by a couple we were friends with several years ago but fell out with because we found out the wife had been gossiping about me/us. We never had a fight or anything, but after I found out what she was saying, I stopped inviting them over and did a slow fade on her (at first just turning down invites but eventually just not even responding to texts). I don't like gossips and the stuff she was saying felt very invasive and unkind (comments about my marriage, my kids, and my intelligence -- just off limits stuff in my book).

I told DH I would just ignore them all night but he thinks that will stir up more drama. He thinks we should be smiley and friendly with them. I get his point -- doing this is definitely "taking the high ground" and is more likely to make it look like we don't care about them at all, which is good. But honestly, I'm not sure I'm capable of that. I can see myself interacting with them but I don't think I could fake friendliness.

What says DCUM? Cold shoulder or fake friendly? And if the latter, how best to accomplish it when you really don't feel it?

[Anonymous]

Neither. Polite. It's someone else's wedding, don't create drama.

[Anonymous]

Fake friendly. But all that means is fake smiles and basic questions "oh how are the kids?" etc. Or if its in a group you can easily fake it with pleasantries about whatever they are talking about. Then excuse yourself to the bathroom, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Friendly and polite. Being petty will give more ammunition. I love taking the high road, it makes me feel superior and confident.

[Anonymous]

Be civil. Like you would be at work, then excuse yourself to go to the bar or ladies room.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the response.

I like the suggestion to be polite and then excuse myself for the bathroom/bar/anywhere else -- keeping it short will help me. I would prefer not to ask "how are the kids" because I really do not want to get drawn into a conversation. Maybe just "nice to see you" which is polite but not actually a question (though definitely a lie). I don't know. I see the argument against ignoring them but I am really struggling with this.

I really hope we don't get stuck near them for a long time. I don't know the bride and groom well enough to ask that we not be seated at the same table. I really hope we are not! Ugh, I'm dreading this. Maybe I can get out of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you act cordial. As if these are people are neighbors, neighbors you don't know well. You haven't been introduced and aren't going to be. You have a neutral expression on your face. You don't actively try to avoid them. If they speak to you, you make a pleasant comment about the weather, the food, the event. Very neutral.

[Anonymous]

Just as one thought, unless you actually spoke to the wife about she said about you or you heard it yourself directly, who knows what was really said. There are so many situations where people misrepresent comments or tone. That would have been my first move is to ask her directly. But too late for that I guess.

I would be polite and just hang out with other people as much as you can, which shouldn't be hard at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for the response.

I like the suggestion to be polite and then excuse myself for the bathroom/bar/anywhere else -- keeping it short will help me. I would prefer not to ask "how are the kids" because I really do not want to get drawn into a conversation. Maybe just "nice to see you" which is polite but not actually a question (though definitely a lie). I don't know. I see the argument against ignoring them but I am really struggling with this.

I really hope we don't get stuck near them for a long time. I don't know the bride and groom well enough to ask that we not be seated at the same table. I really hope we are not! Ugh, I'm dreading this. Maybe I can get out of it.

This is a lot of feelings about some ex-friends from several years ago. You're giving them a lot of space in your brain. Go and have a good time. Most weddings have 100+ guests. She is 1 person. This won't be a huge deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for the response.

I like the suggestion to be polite and then excuse myself for the bathroom/bar/anywhere else -- keeping it short will help me. I would prefer not to ask "how are the kids" because I really do not want to get drawn into a conversation. Maybe just "nice to see you" which is polite but not actually a question (though definitely a lie). I don't know. I see the argument against ignoring them but I am really struggling with this.

I really hope we don't get stuck near them for a long time. I don't know the bride and groom well enough to ask that we not be seated at the same table. I really hope we are not! Ugh, I'm dreading this. Maybe I can get out of it.

I think you're likely being overdramatic. If it's been several years since you have been friends with these people AND you gave them the slow fade, they're probably not dying to spend all night chatting you up either. Hopefully you guys can politely acknowledge each other and then move on your separate ways. Good luck, I hope it's ok!

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I don't operate like this at all.

I would have said something direct way back when to her. You say you don't like gossips but you're kind of part of the problem. Don't ignore people at a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither. Polite. It's someone else's wedding, don't create drama.

+1

I would not stop and talk, but I would say hello if they say hello first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for the response.

I like the suggestion to be polite and then excuse myself for the bathroom/bar/anywhere else -- keeping it short will help me. I would prefer not to ask "how are the kids" because I really do not want to get drawn into a conversation. Maybe just "nice to see you" which is polite but not actually a question (though definitely a lie). I don't know. I see the argument against ignoring them but I am really struggling with this.

I really hope we don't get stuck near them for a long time. I don't know the bride and groom well enough to ask that we not be seated at the same table. I really hope we are not! Ugh, I'm dreading this. Maybe I can get out of it.

Get out of the wedding or the seating? So what if they are at your table, as long as they are not right next to you. Scope it out early.

[Anonymous]

Why even ask about their kids? It is possible to be nice to someone without interacting. If you see them in your line of vision, like you are walking directly past them, you smile and say hi and keep walking. If they come up to you, say hello and then excuse yourself from the conversation. You dont owe anyone your time, but you also dont have to be rude.

[Anonymous]

Say hello but move your eyes around the room, look at their shoulder and slightly behind them, smile big, and then say to DH, “Ooh I see the Astors!” and smile at your friend and say, “it was so great to catch up” then move with DH to another crowd of people.