Abusive ex and controlling behavior with kid
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Anonymous
| He doesn’t get to insist the child do anything during the child’s time with you. |
Anonymous
+1000 Stop living in fear of this bully. You don’t need to engage with him by justifying why your kid will not carry this card. You don’t owe him anything. You and your kid should have all of his calls go to voicemail. Texts can be silenced. You are not obligated to put up with harassing behavior. |
Anonymous
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I backed off because I wasn't going to drive crazy even more crazy by telling him what to do. I was afraid for my child and the only way to keep DC safe was to back off.
This, however, doesn't seem to be the case with OP. I would have never dared to say anything to my ex about the card or even questions it. This would have been the least of his controls. Ho old is the kid? Some have apple pay, not green light card. Also, parents' credit card on their name so they can build credit. |
Anonymous
+1 Also the ex is clearly using the card to track what the OP is doing, not just the kid. By tracking the kid, the ex is also tracking OP when OP is with the kid, basically. Ex will claim that's not what it's about but it IS the end effect. I think a lot of PPs are missing the abusive details OP provided--which include financial abuse, which in turn tells us that the ex is into using finances to control others. OP, you noted that you think ex will "take it out" on your kid if you try to take the card or have kid leave the card at the house during your custody time. Can you tell the ex (in writing so you have a record of it) that you will be having kid leave the wallet at home when with you, and if ex disciplines or punishes kid for not carrying it, you will...Is there something you can do here, OP? I'd also be worried that he is teaching your kid that obeying dad in all things yields cash rewards, basically. Unfortunately your ex is likely to claim he's just "teaching kid how to handle money responsibly" blah blah--isn't he? It's going to be hard to counter that. I'd find ways to ensure kid, on your time, is doing things like volunteering (if old enough), participating in community- or faith-based groups/organizations, anything that gives the message that giving to others and helping others is the right thing to do. Bigger-picture stuff. Because dad sounds materialistic as well as controlling. |
Anonymous
I don't see that he has the right to insist on anything when the kid is on your time. |
Anonymous
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“I'd also be worried that he is teaching your kid that obeying dad in all things yields cash rewards, basically.”
OP. This is exactly what he is doing. |
Anonymous
| If you remove the first sentence the parenting seems on point. Know where you kid is and teach financial responsibility. |
Anonymous
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OP, what is your primary goal with respect to this issue? And how much does your kid know and understand about how their dad operates? And how old is the kid?
Because to me all of those things change my reaction - at least somewhat. If the kid is still pretty young - 13 or 14 and doesn't really understand how their father operates - then I'm going to do my best to shield my kid. But even at 13/14 a kid can decide whether they want to engage in this exercise with their father. How does your child feel about this? On its face, it doesn't seem like a terrible idea and you pushing back too hard makes it seem like you are being obstructionist. If your kid is 16/17, then it's a different story and I think you can speak frankly about the difference between being taught financial responsibility and financial control/coercion and let your child decide how much to comply with this card arrangement. Overall, I think you should be conveying the message that loving relationships aren't about control and one way to be safe from financial control is financial independence. As far as the location tracking, I get the concern, but is that already happening with Find My iPhone or the like? |
Anonymous
UGH. I'm so sorry, OP. Horrible thing to do to a young mind and conscience that are still just forming their ethics. You can't control what the ex says or does when he has your kid on "his time," but you can only try to balance out those terrible, toxic messages when on your time. I hope some parents here who might have been in your shoes can advise more specificially, but I'd stick to my guns about the card and wallet not going anywhere but a dresser drawer when kid is with you, and I'd double down on whatever you feel will give your kid a moral center and lessons in selflessness and service. Church if that's your thing, volunteering, scouting or similar groups, going with you to volunteer someplace, whatever charity or community stuff the school does, talking about those with less than you have. And rewarding your DC with praise rand privileges, ather than money, at your home. What a sad, sick, manipulative way for your ex to treat your kid. But so very easy to cover by saying "I'm teaching money management and that is 100 percent good!" |
Anonymous
| OP. Kid is 12. |
Anonymous
Oh yeah. Definitely keep the card at home. He’s using it to track you. You can make sure your kid has money if he needs something. You don’t have to make a big deal of this like announcing it to ex. Just tell son to give you the card. You’ll give it back when he goes to stay with his father. |
Anonymous
As someone who was forced to send my kids to visitation with an abusive ex, it's not that simple. To say "stop living in fear" to a child who has no ability to escape isn't fair. |
Anonymous
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PP here, with the abusive ex.
First of all, Greenlight cards don't seem to track the cards. The tracking is through the Greenlight app. So, if the phone goes to school, it doesn't matter if the card does. At least that's my understanding. I would delete the app and make sure that location sharing is off on your kid's phone at all times. I think that if you want to tackle this, you need to make it very clear that it's you setting the limit, and not your kid setting the limit. So, if you have supervised custody exchanges, remind the kid at the custody exchange that the card stays with Dad and watch him hand it over. Or have your attorney send his something saying that the card will stay in a drawer. Or whatever. I wouldn't just put it in the drawer, and then expect the kid to explain to Dad that the reason it looks like he didn't go to school is because kid chose to obey you rather than Dad. If your ex isn't abusive towards the kid, that might change my answer, but I don't have experience with that situation. |
Anonymous
| He is a stalker with a personality disorder. It’s hard to get rid of these and even when you cut them off. They want to come back for more abuse and feed off of you like a parasite. |
Anonymous
So if I have the Greenlight app on my phone can he track me even if I didn’t choose to turn on location services? |