Do you watch your kids children - often?

[Anonymous]

Eeek! DD sounds selfish and entitled.

I have several friends that play an important part in looking after their grandkids but it is a cooperative situation.
- All three generation lives in the same house and share the costs, responsibilities etc. They outsource everything but childcare by pooling resources.
- AC live close to elderly parents. Everything but childcare is outsourced for AC and GP. Grandkids are dropped off and picked up from grandparents home.
- Elderly parents and IL, take turns for several months living with AC and they provide childcare. Everything but childcare is outsourced by AC. AC pays for traveling cost and all cost of parents living with them.
- Elderly parents provide childcare in their own house for a few hours and only a couple days. AC or spouse are present and work from parents' home. Household chores are outsourced in both homes.
- Elderly parent go to AC homes and they provide companionship and keep an eye on things. AC keeps a nanny and also outsources household chores.

All of this happens in our circle of friends. These are south east asian families and the level of trust and bonding is there culturally within families. This is not only acceptable but also seen as the best way to raise kids and also have the parents continue to work. But the expectation that grandparents HAVE to provide childcare or will be available all the time or provide childcare on weekends etc is not there. Respect for the grandparents and concern for their health and wellbeing is there in the ACs. Nannies and other service providers are hired because this is a temporary situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one else find the thread title odd? I think OP’s proposal sounds fine but not referring to the kids as her grandkids seems oddly distant.

I thought the OP was kind of odd too.
Are these hypothetical grandchildren, or are they actually here?

[Anonymous]

Your proposal is great.
You raised your children, now it is your daughter's turn to raise hers. It is not your job.

My Mom was clear that she would do occasional date night or weekend getaway childcare but she would not do day-to-day care so parents could work. I think she did step in a couple times when my brother had to travel for work and my SIL could not change her work schedule, but that was probably 3x in 10 years. I chose to stay home and/or work part time when my kids were young, so it was never an issue for me. (My MIL would have been more than willing to do this for us, but that "free" childcare would certainly have come with a price.)

I do think many grandparents choosing to provide full time childcare is just a continuation of helicopter-type parenting where parents feel obligated to solve all their children's problems for them. Don't fall into this trap. Live your own life and tell your kids they need to live theirs in their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does no one else find the thread title odd? I think OP’s proposal sounds fine but not referring to the kids as her grandkids seems oddly distant.

No, because the focus of the question is on a dispute between OP and her adult child, so it makes sense that the adult child features as a character in the title.

[Anonymous]

Why not just call them your grandchildren??

[Anonymous]

Are you a troll? Your DD sounds like a spoiled brat. Tell her to hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

How many grandkids are there? You have 2 adult children and do they both have kids or just one? Don't go all out for one adult daughter and then leave the other one high and dry. Maybe you're overcommitting to every Thursday, do they really need to go out every Thursday? How about as needed if it works for your schedule?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your proposal is great.
You raised your children, now it is your daughter's turn to raise hers. It is not your job.

My Mom was clear that she would do occasional date night or weekend getaway childcare but she would not do day-to-day care so parents could work. I think she did step in a couple times when my brother had to travel for work and my SIL could not change her work schedule, but that was probably 3x in 10 years. I chose to stay home and/or work part time when my kids were young, so it was never an issue for me. (My MIL would have been more than willing to do this for us, but that "free" childcare would certainly have come with a price.)

I do think many grandparents choosing to provide full time childcare is just a continuation of helicopter-type parenting where parents feel obligated to solve all their children's problems for them. Don't fall into this trap. Live your own life and tell your kids they need to live theirs in their own way.

+1

My parents were clear and upfront too (same as yours) - yes to occasional care for evenings out, maybe a weekend, and emergencies. Similar for most families we know. I don’t know many grandparents who provide full time care.

My kids are only teens, and I can already tell you I would not want to provide full time childcare for a grandchild. Occasional, definitely yes (assuming physically able). Frankly, we’d be more likely to help with daycare costs than physically help with everyday care (if the situation were to warrant needing help). I would not want to be responsible for a small child full time and also would worry about blurring of boundaries/potential conflicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be thrilled with once a month. My mom is healthy and able and never watches my kid. A few times a year she may take him out to lunch.

Same, except for the taking them out to lunch part. MIL could barely raise her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Your offering sounds very reasonable and generous. It’s great you’re setting boundaries that work for you vs overcommitting and regretting it later.

That said, my mom divorced when I was about 2ish and I spent a good deal of time with my grandmother, including a lot of overnights, (older siblings were in school and I think my mom worked swings and graveyard shifts a lot. She was a nurse.) I also had a babysitter I went to. I’m 50 and still have very fond memories of the time I spent with my grandmother and it helped give me a solid foundation during what was otherwise a pretty tumultuous family life. So—don’t discount how meaningful time is to the grandkids (but I am NOT saying you should care for them more, just that you could create a lot of lasting memories during the time you’re with them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re older parents, I told DD I would only watch the kids one night a week, baby/toddler at their house once a week on a Thursday night so they can have a date night and for one long weekend- so they can have a vacation as a couple plus snow days/emergency pickup care. Once the kids are older, they will have to bring them to my house on Thursdays.

I raised two girls and they wore me out. One DD is extremely mad that I won’t provide full daycare nor babysit Saturday nights. My husband and I have a big social life now that the girls are gone- should I feel bad?

What do you do in terms of babysitting?

Your DD is selfish and entitled. What you are doing is very generous and if she continues to complain then she can pay a babysitter for Thursdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your offering sounds very reasonable and generous. It’s great you’re setting boundaries that work for you vs overcommitting and regretting it later.

That said, my mom divorced when I was about 2ish and I spent a good deal of time with my grandmother, including a lot of overnights, (older siblings were in school and I think my mom worked swings and graveyard shifts a lot. She was a nurse.) I also had a babysitter I went to. I’m 50 and still have very fond memories of the time I spent with my grandmother and it helped give me a solid foundation during what was otherwise a pretty tumultuous family life. So—don’t discount how meaningful time is to the grandkids (but I am NOT saying you should care for them more, just that you could create a lot of lasting memories during the time you’re with them.)

Stop trying to guilt OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a grandparent but a parent, and this sounds lovely.

My parents offer no childcare, and my ILs are willing to provide it, but are flaky and then use it as leverage, so we don’t take them up on it.

What you’ve proposed sounds lovely.

The in law bashing on DCUM is so tiresome. They really can’t do anything right.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, as you said you are “older parents” and there’s a price to be paid for that. We were younger parents and became youngish grandparents - we were in our very early 50s when our first grandchild was born - and I think it’s fair to say that we spend as much time with our grandkids as their actual parents. We wouldn’t have it any other way. As to whether doing less makes you selfish, of that were the case there’d be a lot of selfish grandparents out there because you are the norm. We’re just lucky to be younger, healthy, financially comfortable and to have an extraordinarily close relationship with our kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

It should be a pleasure for grandparents to spent time with their grandchildren. So bizarre to make it sound so onerous.