Do you watch your kids children - often?

[Anonymous]

We’re older parents, I told DD I would only watch the kids one night a week, baby/toddler at their house once a week on a Thursday night so they can have a date night and for one long weekend- so they can have a vacation as a couple plus snow days/emergency pickup care. Once the kids are older, they will have to bring them to my house on Thursdays.

I raised two girls and they wore me out. One DD is extremely mad that I won’t provide full daycare nor babysit Saturday nights. My husband and I have a big social life now that the girls are gone- should I feel bad?

What do you do in terms of babysitting?

[Anonymous]

Not a grandparent but a parent, and this sounds lovely.

My parents offer no childcare, and my ILs are willing to provide it, but are flaky and then use it as leverage, so we don’t take them up on it.

What you’ve proposed sounds lovely.

[Anonymous]

Once a week is great! I would also be open to eventually watching them for a weekend so your kid and their partner can go away for a weekend a couple times a year.

Expectations like full-time childcare are unfair if not the grandparents' idea. Plus there is some evidence that full-time care is associated with negative cognitive outcomes:

"The data suggest that the highest cognitive performance is demonstrated by postmenopausal women who spend 1 day/week minding grandchildren; however, minding grandchildren for 5 days or more per week predicts lower working memory performance and processing speed. These results indicate that highly frequent grandparenting predicts lower cognitive performance."

https://journals.lww.com/menopausejournal/Citation/2014/10000/Role_of_grandparenting_in_postmenopausal_women_s.7.aspx

[Anonymous]

Oh heck no.
Your children made a choice to have children and you have zero responsibility to aid in their care.
You want to maximize your time with them because you care, and you want to forge good relationships - NOT because of a duty to your daughter to provide childcare.
You will have a more meaningful relationship with your grands if it is on your terms.
Do you also fix things in their house and provide food for them?
No.

[Anonymous]

I'm 54 and spent a day recently with a toddler and the answer is no. The day was terrific but no way could I maintain that level of energy or patience every day. I think what you are proposing is fantastic. You did your time.

[Anonymous]

That’s so generous of you! My mother watches my kids when I’m in business trips (single parent) and I feel there’s absolutely nothing I can do to thank her enough and would never consider being annoyed if she decided she couldn’t any more. You don’t owe your daughter childcare at all and it’s very sweet of you to offer such a regular arrangement.

[Anonymous]

One night a week sounds incredible. My super helpful parents do that. My parents often pick one of my kids up early from daycare for a fun adventure. One kid is really fun! All my kids together and they squabble amongst themselves.

Full time care + weekly date night?! That sounds like they expect you to be their unpaid nanny (plus illegal overtime)

[Anonymous]

I think that is MORE than generous. That is far more help than many parents have- they should be very grateful.

[Anonymous]

I think you're already really generous. My mom and my MIL provided daycare for me for the first 2.5 years. They still watch my kids anytime I need them to. BUT, I would never EXPECT them to do this, and I appreciated it SOOOO much. My MIL just really enjoyed the kids. My mom is always willing to be there, but I can tell they wear her out. I'm perfectly happy paying others instead, but they both offer all the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm a person who doesn't take advantage of my parents or ask them for anything, but I can remember when I had my first baby. I was really surprised and disappointed that my mom didn't want to watch her full time for me. As a working mom, if I had the choice I would have wanted to stay home with her.

Now that I've seen toddler terrorists, I get why my mom didn't want to watch my kids full time. I'm actually surprised that I felt that way originally. Even now though I think fondly of watching my own grandkids some day. I loved babies so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that is MORE than generous. That is far more help than many parents have- they should be very grateful.

I agree. You shouldn’t feel badly or guilty at all. You are being very generous (have your daughter always been selfish?).

-not a grandmother but a mom who would have been so grateful for what you are offering

[Anonymous]

Once a week is amazing, OP! I’m sorry it’s not been appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I'd be thrilled with once a month. My mom is healthy and able and never watches my kid. A few times a year she may take him out to lunch.

[Anonymous]

Does no one else find the thread title odd? I think OP’s proposal sounds fine but not referring to the kids as her grandkids seems oddly distant.

[Anonymous]

I would love for my parents to be this clear about what they are able to provide in terms of childcare. I never know if I am asking too much or if they want to spend more time with DC.