DH seems paranoid

[Anonymous]

Could be mental illness. This kind of delusional thinking can happen with both bipolar disorder and depression (schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders as well, but you'd know about that). You could insist on going to the doctor with him -- a psychiatrist if he'll go, primary care if he won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not about cheating but about everyone else's intentions. He's sensitive to any criticism or constructive feedback and gets in moods where he feels everyone is against him. He seems to assume malintent when there clearly isn't any. It's becoming very tough to express myself because he says I make everything about me and ignore him.

This is relatively new behavior and I'm both hurt and worried. I adore this man and these changes are concerning.

OP, the bold is key. Since this is a change, there is something going on-- this isn't a case of "This is his basic personality, I just didn't realize how bad it was before" etc. When there's a behavioral change, it's time to think: What has changed externally for him? New job? More stress/responsibility/boss issues at current job? Issues with the kids? Finances? Aging parent issues and elder care on the horizon? A death in his circle? Moving house? Something in his life that set this off when someone really did do something against him and now he sees that everywhere? I'd be asking all these things of myself right away. Maybe pinpointing possible stressors would help you and him figure out why this is a NEW behavior and out of character for him.

Then comes dealing with it. Have you spoken to him -- at a time when he is NOT expressing these feelings, not in the throes of "So and so is against me!" or "You, DW, make it all about yourself!" etc.? A time when things are calm and OK and the kids are not going to come into the room and interrupt, and he does not need to be somewehere else in an hour? I get that you'd want to be careful so as not to set off the feelings--especially toward you. I would actually say out loud to him that you're finding it hard to express yourself, and you have been curbing what you say to him, and because you love and care for him, you don't want to curb or edit yourself. Then say this is not about you; it's about a change you detect in him, and you are concerned. You may need to point out the "they're all against me" behaviors with some specifics without being accusatory.

I'd also be looking at getting him a full checkup. My DH didn't get like yours, but he did become uncharacteristically irritable for a time and we found out it was actually a physical medical issue (easily fixed with meds).

I'm glad to see a post like yours that comes from a place of "this is a change and I am concerned for someone I love," instead of what I often see on this site, which is, "My spouse isn't perfect and I hate him now" witih zero concern about the spouse's mental and physical well-being!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP. The behavior you describe is serious mental illness (but I know you know that). It's how a relative of mine was acting and thinking when in the worst periods of unmedicated mental crisis. Your DH may at some point act on his paranoia someow and he or someone else could end up hurt or he could terrify some stranger in a store who then calls security, or the cops.

What have you done to try to get him help? He surely needs serious meds and whatever form of therapy is appropriate. He must be in a mental hell. If he is resistant to help and doesn't have lucid periods when he realizes something's wrong with him-- enlist a doctor and ask what to do. It is VERY difficult to force an adult who is mentally ill, but not actively trying to harm himself or someone else, into treatment, PP, as you may already know. I'm concerned by your post, based on our family's experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be mental illness. This kind of delusional thinking can happen with both bipolar disorder and depression (schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders as well, but you'd know about that). You could insist on going to the doctor with him -- a psychiatrist if he'll go, primary care if he won't.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is from prolonged, intense stress. You need to make major lifestyle changes to give him breathing room. He should also consider anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. He needs a reset.

I get this, but how? I am also under stress. We both work and have 2 kids who are intensely needy. The housework is never ending. I do everything I can to support him but don't know how to give him more breathing room when I also feel like I'm drowning.

There are two options: reduce expectations: clean less often, use paper plates and have easier meals sometimes, etc.

The other option is - get help. It doesn’t have to be paid. Ask for help from family. Join a babysitting coop. Swap kids with another family for an afternoon, so you each can have a break, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP I am in the same boat. I really feel for you. Maybe we can be in some kind of support group for spouses with mental illness who are drowning and have to carry on with normal life even though we live in an alternate reality.

OP I don’t want to scare you but this happened to my DH and he eventually accused me of assault and I had to go to court to clear it.

My therapist thinks it is severe borderline personality disorder. Assuming malintent and suspiciousness are aspects of this.

BPD is relational trauma, and overlaps with C-PTSD. Does he have childhood trauma?

I think you need to take this really seriously. I was drowning too with two young kids during the pandemic and though I posted here, I couldn’t figure out what actions to take. Research the best couples counselor you can find and go now. In the meantime, try to get support for your own stress as much as possible. Therapy for you. Get a financial advisor and address the practical issues head on. Basically, although you don’t have the energy, you need to muster it up to deal with this situation head on. Before it becomes the crisis it is heading towards. Get help in the form of these experts so you can head this off with actual actions, like medication or financial restructuring or whatever. It’s going to be a long road to a solution but better to start it now than when you’re on the brink of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be mental illness. This kind of delusional thinking can happen with both bipolar disorder and depression (schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorders as well, but you'd know about that). You could insist on going to the doctor with him -- a psychiatrist if he'll go, primary care if he won't.

Yes, this is what happened with my DM. His bipolar disorder started with paranoia.

[Anonymous]

Could be stress. Could be start if something more serious. DH became that way in midlife. He also lost his sense of smell, both we came to find out we’re Parkinson’s early symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be stress. Could be start if something more serious. DH became that way in midlife. He also lost his sense of smell, both we came to find out we’re Parkinson’s early symptoms.

Prolonged, severe stress turns into a mental or physical illness.

[Anonymous]

Definitely address it before something happens at work. I once encountered someone making paranoid claims at work and it turned into a big ordeal involved since management believed and then acted on their story without confirming with anyone else what actually happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand all the posters suggesting coddling this behavior.

Maybe tell him that when everything is an a-hole, actually, you’re the a-hole.

We took a vow "in sickness and in health".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP. The behavior you describe is serious mental illness (but I know you know that). It's how a relative of mine was acting and thinking when in the worst periods of unmedicated mental crisis. Your DH may at some point act on his paranoia someow and he or someone else could end up hurt or he could terrify some stranger in a store who then calls security, or the cops.

What have you done to try to get him help? He surely needs serious meds and whatever form of therapy is appropriate. He must be in a mental hell. If he is resistant to help and doesn't have lucid periods when he realizes something's wrong with him-- enlist a doctor and ask what to do. It is VERY difficult to force an adult who is mentally ill, but not actively trying to harm himself or someone else, into treatment, PP, as you may already know. I'm concerned by your post, based on our family's experiences.

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate your insights. He has started to see a therapist and I have noticed some minute positive changes. I am somewhat hopeful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP. The behavior you describe is serious mental illness (but I know you know that). It's how a relative of mine was acting and thinking when in the worst periods of unmedicated mental crisis. Your DH may at some point act on his paranoia someow and he or someone else could end up hurt or he could terrify some stranger in a store who then calls security, or the cops.

What have you done to try to get him help? He surely needs serious meds and whatever form of therapy is appropriate. He must be in a mental hell. If he is resistant to help and doesn't have lucid periods when he realizes something's wrong with him-- enlist a doctor and ask what to do. It is VERY difficult to force an adult who is mentally ill, but not actively trying to harm himself or someone else, into treatment, PP, as you may already know. I'm concerned by your post, based on our family's experiences.

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate your insights. He has started to see a therapist and I have noticed some minute positive changes. I am somewhat hopeful.

Person with bipolar disorder here. Love that he's in therapy, but if it is paranoia due to depression or bipolar disorder, which is certainly a possibility, there are meds that could knock it right out. Like within 48 hours or so (I speak from experience). I think he should see a psychiatrist in addition to the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP. The behavior you describe is serious mental illness (but I know you know that). It's how a relative of mine was acting and thinking when in the worst periods of unmedicated mental crisis. Your DH may at some point act on his paranoia someow and he or someone else could end up hurt or he could terrify some stranger in a store who then calls security, or the cops.

What have you done to try to get him help? He surely needs serious meds and whatever form of therapy is appropriate. He must be in a mental hell. If he is resistant to help and doesn't have lucid periods when he realizes something's wrong with him-- enlist a doctor and ask what to do. It is VERY difficult to force an adult who is mentally ill, but not actively trying to harm himself or someone else, into treatment, PP, as you may already know. I'm concerned by your post, based on our family's experiences.

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate your insights. He has started to see a therapist and I have noticed some minute positive changes. I am somewhat hopeful.

You really need to get him to a doctor that can consider medication in addition to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

DP. The behavior you describe is serious mental illness (but I know you know that). It's how a relative of mine was acting and thinking when in the worst periods of unmedicated mental crisis. Your DH may at some point act on his paranoia someow and he or someone else could end up hurt or he could terrify some stranger in a store who then calls security, or the cops.

What have you done to try to get him help? He surely needs serious meds and whatever form of therapy is appropriate. He must be in a mental hell. If he is resistant to help and doesn't have lucid periods when he realizes something's wrong with him-- enlist a doctor and ask what to do. It is VERY difficult to force an adult who is mentally ill, but not actively trying to harm himself or someone else, into treatment, PP, as you may already know. I'm concerned by your post, based on our family's experiences.

Thank you for your post. I really appreciate your insights. He has started to see a therapist and I have noticed some minute positive changes. I am somewhat hopeful.

You really need to get him to a doctor that can consider medication in addition to therapy.

It’s a psychiatrist so medication is part of the treatment.