DH seems paranoid

[Anonymous]

Not about cheating but about everyone else's intentions. He's sensitive to any criticism or constructive feedback and gets in moods where he feels everyone is against him. He seems to assume malintent when there clearly isn't any. It's becoming very tough to express myself because he says I make everything about me and ignore him.

This is relatively new behavior and I'm both hurt and worried. I adore this man and these changes are concerning.

[Anonymous]

What is your question?
How can we help?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks. How do I talk to him about this? It's an emerging pattern. How do I talk to a person who doesn't see what's wrong and is also likely to rebuke me as being irrational/selfish/not taking his feelings seriously?

[Anonymous]

Have long have you been married? Would he be open to marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks. How do I talk to him about this? It's an emerging pattern. How do I talk to a person who doesn't see what's wrong and is also likely to rebuke me as being irrational/selfish/not taking his feelings seriously?

You’re going to have to stay very calm and curious, even in the face of ridiculous statements by him.

“Can you say more about that?”
“What’s making you say that?”

And then paraphrase without a scintilla of judgement in your voice.
“So you believe that I purposely left the cup on the counter because I don’t care about anything here. Is that what you think?”

I think you need to stay in this calm place of curiosity and just listening. And then in a moment where you’re not caught up in an argument, you can bring up the pattern and ask what’s going on. You can share your concern: “This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

Is he having an affair? It’s common to lash out at a partner to make them the enemy and thereby justify their having an affair. Be ready for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks. How do I talk to him about this? It's an emerging pattern. How do I talk to a person who doesn't see what's wrong and is also likely to rebuke me as being irrational/selfish/not taking his feelings seriously?

You’re going to have to stay very calm and curious, even in the face of ridiculous statements by him.

“Can you say more about that?”
“What’s making you say that?”

And then paraphrase without a scintilla of judgement in your voice.
“So you believe that I purposely left the cup on the counter because I don’t care about anything here. Is that what you think?”

I think you need to stay in this calm place of curiosity and just listening. And then in a moment where you’re not caught up in an argument, you can bring up the pattern and ask what’s going on. You can share your concern: “This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

Is he having an affair? It’s common to lash out at a partner to make them the enemy and thereby justify their having an affair. Be ready for that.

Thanks, this is very helpful. We have been married 14 years. I don't suspect an affair at all. We are financially stressed and have been for 5-6 years. I think it's coming to a head.

[Anonymous]

This is from prolonged, intense stress. You need to make major lifestyle changes to give him breathing room. He should also consider anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. He needs a reset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is from prolonged, intense stress. You need to make major lifestyle changes to give him breathing room. He should also consider anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. He needs a reset.

I get this, but how? I am also under stress. We both work and have 2 kids who are intensely needy. The housework is never ending. I do everything I can to support him but don't know how to give him more breathing room when I also feel like I'm drowning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks. How do I talk to him about this? It's an emerging pattern. How do I talk to a person who doesn't see what's wrong and is also likely to rebuke me as being irrational/selfish/not taking his feelings seriously?

You’re going to have to stay very calm and curious, even in the face of ridiculous statements by him.

“Can you say more about that?”
“What’s making you say that?”

And then paraphrase without a scintilla of judgement in your voice.
“So you believe that I purposely left the cup on the counter because I don’t care about anything here. Is that what you think?”

I think you need to stay in this calm place of curiosity and just listening. And then in a moment where you’re not caught up in an argument, you can bring up the pattern and ask what’s going on. You can share your concern: “This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

Is he having an affair? It’s common to lash out at a partner to make them the enemy and thereby justify their having an affair. Be ready for that.

Thanks, this is very helpful. We have been married 14 years. I don't suspect an affair at all. We are financially stressed and have been for 5-6 years. I think it's coming to a head.

Clearly there is some serious stressor in his life. If you’re sure it’s not an affair, then lean into his responses. You can note the behaviors and then your suspicion. That may offer some relief for him. My guess is that he feels like crap and a failure for the financial mess. He’s uncomfortable sitting in that space, so he makes you the enemy who’s picking at him when he’s the one doing to himself internally. Somewhere there’s a way to let him know that you are not that enemy, that you are his partner. You can tell him that you “guess” he might be feeling bad, which is fine. What’s not fine is the lashing out at you. As someone suggested, a counselor could help you navigate this minefield. Even if he won’t go, you can figure out some ways to disengage while still being supportive.
It’s about figuring out a way to hold him accountable for these responses while still being a caring partner. Not an easy needle to thread, but not impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is from prolonged, intense stress. You need to make major lifestyle changes to give him breathing room. He should also consider anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. He needs a reset.

I get this, but how? I am also under stress. We both work and have 2 kids who are intensely needy. The housework is never ending. I do everything I can to support him but don't know how to give him more breathing room when I also feel like I'm drowning.

I am sorry, the situation sounds really tough. Please understand though that you need to take steps to prioritize his and your health, I don’t know what that looks like for your family. Paranoia is a manifestation of intense fear, he is so far down the stress spiral the rational brain does not even come on line. Thieve are toxic loops and the longer he stays in this state, the greater the chance this becomes his identity.

I am not saying you have to take on more, that will be terrible for you, you have to figure out how to downsize or change lifestyle for a couple of years to help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is from prolonged, intense stress. You need to make major lifestyle changes to give him breathing room. He should also consider anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. He needs a reset.

I get this, but how? I am also under stress. We both work and have 2 kids who are intensely needy. The housework is never ending. I do everything I can to support him but don't know how to give him more breathing room when I also feel like I'm drowning.

Maybe you both need help, whether that be in the form of counseling, therapy, meds, financial planning, whatever.

My mother had severe untreated anxiety that turned into paranoia and eventually progressed to full on delusional thinking. You need to put a lid on this NOW. We don’t know your financial situation but there is probably a solution to that too.

[Anonymous]

If this is new it’s probably depression.

“You don’t seem like yourself-how are you feeling?”

“Honey, you seem down and I’m worried you might be depressed-what do you think?”

[Anonymous]

You need to fix the underlying financial issue. Spend less. Move to a lower cost of living area. Downsize.

It's untenable to live with severe financial distress for 6+ years. Post on money and finance.

If you are drowning in debt, listen to Dave Ramsey's free podcast

[Anonymous]

Take action now. This started with my DH just before the pandemic and it’s still with him.

It’s so bad that he thinks that everyone (including random people who see him in a grocery store) are talking about an incident that happened in a mid west state that only our immediate family know about.

I can barely breath, my work performance has fallen apart and I constantly have a pit in my stomach. I used to be content before this but the last 4 years of dealing with this have decimated me. Although you would never tell if you knew me in person.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand all the posters suggesting coddling this behavior.

Maybe tell him that when everything is an a-hole, actually, you’re the a-hole.