How long can I ethically date him?

[Anonymous]

I think as long as you tell him and he's OK with it, then date as long as you want until you both find someone who can be a long term partner.

For me though, if I don't see someone as a long term partner, I would end it. I would rather spend time with someone who I see a future with. Time is valuable. I can have my alone time, spend time with friends & family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super sweet & into me, attractive, good in bed. Like him a lot and he wants a real relationship, wants emotional involvement/to be there for me. He is wonderful in many ways but am realizing immature in others and sadly I don’t think can make him my long term partner. How long can I ethically continue to date & sleep with him, I really like him and enjoy his company? But know I will almost certainly have to keep looking and want to be fair to us both. Both divorced in our 50s.

Still being picky?

[Anonymous]

You can be discerning at any age. People with self esteem spend their time wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an “ethical” problem. Am ethical problem would be if he were married or wanted by the police.

Your terminology is off.

OP. I think it is an ethical problem to lead someone on if you are both interested in a serious relationship/long term commitment but not with the other person. Time is valuable, no matter your age, and wasting someone’s time is unethical IMO.

New poster. OP, I think you're right that it's unethical in the circumstances you describe and I respect you for not wanting to lead him on, if he's thinking this is more than it really is to you.

I also see above that some PPs are telling you to add details of specificlally what you find immature. I think you do not owe anyone, including strangers on DCUM, details. You've already been very clear that for reasons of your own, you are not interested in a long-term, committed relationship with him, as much as you like him. We should be addressing the question you actually asked here, which is whether and how long to keep seeing him; the question is not "Should I stop seeing him?" DCUM loves to pick apart OP posts and more details will end up derailing your real question.

I think there is no magical number of weeks or months here. I would not wait to have this talk; better to do it now and immediately break up, than to put it off and let him keep thinking there's a real relationship forming. Don't waste his time--or your own. I'd tell him now what you've said here, minus the "immature" part (because--he'd possibly either get offended or he'd try to "fix" it and you don't want either). Tell him how much you enjoy him and that you do not have an interest in a long-term relationship but would be glad to keep seeing him.

Only you and he can determine if "seeing" each other means having sex for fun but without involving feelings that'll be hurt if you find out he's sleeping with other people or vice versa. I am a fan of exclusivity, speaking for myself, so you do need to think through whether you want to ask for exclusivity (until either of you moves on to someone else), or whether you are both OK with the possibility of multiple partners for each other. Something to consider before you talk to him, I think.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. We are already exclusive, each of us is naturally monogamous as a requirement for sex. Time with him is better than time spent alone. However, a deeper commitment would I think be derailed by some of the things I am starting to see. It has only been a month. He is kind and I do not want to hurt him.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are dating to see if you want to continue the relationship long term, then you already have your answer, don't you? You cannot control if someone has hurt feelings. What actions are aligned with YOUR values and what you want in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an “ethical” problem. Am ethical problem would be if he were married or wanted by the police.

Your terminology is off.

OP. I think it is an ethical problem to lead someone on if you are both interested in a serious relationship/long term commitment but not with the other person. Time is valuable, no matter your age, and wasting someone’s time is unethical IMO.

New poster. OP, I think you're right that it's unethical in the circumstances you describe and I respect you for not wanting to lead him on, if he's thinking this is more than it really is to you.

I also see above that some PPs are telling you to add details of specificlally what you find immature. I think you do not owe anyone, including strangers on DCUM, details. You've already been very clear that for reasons of your own, you are not interested in a long-term, committed relationship with him, as much as you like him. We should be addressing the question you actually asked here, which is whether and how long to keep seeing him; the question is [b]not "Should I stop seeing him?"[/b] DCUM loves to pick apart OP posts and more details will end up derailing your real question.

I think there is no magical number of weeks or months here. I would not wait to have this talk; better to do it now and immediately break up, than to put it off and let him keep thinking there's a real relationship forming. Don't waste his time--or your own. I'd tell him now what you've said here, minus the "immature" part (because--he'd possibly either get offended or he'd try to "fix" it and you don't want either). Tell him how much you enjoy him and that you do not have an interest in a long-term relationship but would be glad to keep seeing him.

Only you and he can determine if "seeing" each other means having sex for fun but without involving feelings that'll be hurt if you find out he's sleeping with other people or vice versa. I am a fan of exclusivity, speaking for myself, so you do need to think through whether you want to ask for exclusivity (until either of you moves on to someone else), or whether you are both OK with the possibility of multiple partners for each other. Something to consider before you talk to him, I think.

So part of the question is “whether…to keep seeing him” but not “Should I stop seeing him?” Are you saying that there’s a difference between asking people what to actually do vs. what you should do?

You’ve succeeded in confusing me, and maybe the OP too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. We are already exclusive, each of us is naturally monogamous as a requirement for sex. Time with him is better than time spent alone. However, a deeper commitment would I think be derailed by some of the things I am starting to see. It has only been a month. He is kind and I do not want to hurt him.

By “immature” do you mean:

- he uses video games? Does he go out clubbing every night?

Is he more into his ride, the rims, his posse, than he is into you?

Do you ever see him as “father material” ??

Or would he bolt at the prospect of marrying you? (Like: marrying forever? Forever ever???).

[Anonymous]

Not sure which party is the immature one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. We are already exclusive, each of us is naturally monogamous as a requirement for sex. Time with him is better than time spent alone. However, a deeper commitment would I think be derailed by some of the things I am starting to see. It has only been a month. He is kind and I do not want to hurt him.

By “immature” do you mean:

- he uses video games? Does he go out clubbing every night?

Is he more into his ride, the rims, his posse, than he is into you?

Do you ever see him as “father material” ??

Or would he bolt at the prospect of marrying you? (Like: marrying forever? Forever ever???).

OMG, try reading the OP. They are both in their 50s. She's clearly not having kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super sweet & into me, attractive, good in bed. Like him a lot and he wants a real relationship, wants emotional involvement/to be there for me. He is wonderful in many ways but am realizing immature in others and sadly I don’t think can make him my long term partner. How long can I ethically continue to date & sleep with him, I really like him and enjoy his company? But know I will almost certainly have to keep looking and want to be fair to us both. Both divorced in our 50s.

He's immature? In his 50s? What does that entail? (I'm just curious. You don't have to date anyone if you don't want to, obviously)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. We are already exclusive, each of us is naturally monogamous as a requirement for sex. Time with him is better than time spent alone. However, a deeper commitment would I think be derailed by some of the things I am starting to see. It has only been a month. He is kind and I do not want to hurt him.

By “immature” do you mean:

- he uses video games? Does he go out clubbing every night?

Is he more into his ride, the rims, his posse, than he is into you?

Do you ever see him as “father material” ??

Or would he bolt at the prospect of marrying you? (Like: marrying forever? Forever ever???).

OP. I choose not to share these specific details as I do not want to unintentionally identify him and also, it’s not really the essence of the question. I understand people are pruriently curious, but you will have to accept that a) this is not my information to disclose and b) my opinion (and not yours) about our long-term compatibility in light of these features is what matters IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not an “ethical” problem. Am ethical problem would be if he were married or wanted by the police.

Your terminology is off.

OP. I think it is an ethical problem to lead someone on if you are both interested in a serious relationship/long term commitment but not with the other person. Time is valuable, no matter your age, and wasting someone’s time is unethical IMO.

New poster. OP, I think you're right that it's unethical in the circumstances you describe and I respect you for not wanting to lead him on, if he's thinking this is more than it really is to you.

I also see above that some PPs are telling you to add details of specificlally what you find immature. I think you do not owe anyone, including strangers on DCUM, details. You've already been very clear that for reasons of your own, you are not interested in a long-term, committed relationship with him, as much as you like him. We should be addressing the question you actually asked here, which is whether and how long to keep seeing him; the question is [b]not "Should I stop seeing him?"[/b] DCUM loves to pick apart OP posts and more details will end up derailing your real question.

I think there is no magical number of weeks or months here. I would not wait to have this talk; better to do it now and immediately break up, than to put it off and let him keep thinking there's a real relationship forming. Don't waste his time--or your own. I'd tell him now what you've said here, minus the "immature" part (because--he'd possibly either get offended or he'd try to "fix" it and you don't want either). Tell him how much you enjoy him and that you do not have an interest in a long-term relationship but would be glad to keep seeing him.

Only you and he can determine if "seeing" each other means having sex for fun but without involving feelings that'll be hurt if you find out he's sleeping with other people or vice versa. I am a fan of exclusivity, speaking for myself, so you do need to think through whether you want to ask for exclusivity (until either of you moves on to someone else), or whether you are both OK with the possibility of multiple partners for each other. Something to consider before you talk to him, I think.

So part of the question is “whether…to keep seeing him” but not “Should I stop seeing him?” Are you saying that there’s a difference between asking people what to actually do vs. what you should do?

You’ve succeeded in confusing me, and maybe the OP too.

OP already replied and gets it.

OP plans eventually to end this dating relationship. She is not asking if she should end it; she's asking when to end it, basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super sweet & into me, attractive, good in bed. Like him a lot and he wants a real relationship, wants emotional involvement/to be there for me. He is wonderful in many ways but am realizing immature in others and sadly I don’t think can make him my long term partner. How long can I ethically continue to date & sleep with him, I really like him and enjoy his company? But know I will almost certainly have to keep looking and want to be fair to us both. Both divorced in our 50s.

Keep dreaming that the grass is always greener and you have endless better options than this guy, when you yourself are in your 50s.

You realize, I hope, that plenty of guys in their 50s are able to date (and have sex with) women who are decades younger.

This guy who sounds like a GREAT catch for you is actually cutting you some pretty huge slack.

This guy sounds like your last best chance, frankly. The phone is going to stop ringing hun and you better wake up to that reality.

You should actually be thinking about how you lock this guy down tight, and keep HIM from finding some much younger hottie to bang when he gets tired of you.

Not fantasizing about his non-existent replacement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. We are already exclusive, each of us is naturally monogamous as a requirement for sex. Time with him is better than time spent alone. However, a deeper commitment would I think be derailed by some of the things I am starting to see. It has only been a month. He is kind and I do not want to hurt him.

You sound delusional, OP. You've only been dating for a single month and you already think he's not good enough for you??? Dream on.