Thinking of asking elderly parents to move here (VA)

[Anonymous]

Your parent suddenly open to suggestions means he recognizes their vulnerable situation and is seeking ideas. It sounds like he sees you can’t rely on friends in your old age.

It’s less jarring to move from Texas to the west coast if possible imo. But if you’re more willing to care for them than your sibling, you can just offer the possibility for them to consider and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP makes good points. If they move there can be some deterioration. That said, it can sometimes be a nightmare when they chose to age in place.

I will tell you living near my parents went far differently than I expected. I knew they wouldn't help us at all with our kids while able and that was fine, but they were so fiercely independent I didn't assume they would become so needy and just plain mean. My dad, not so much, but moreso my mother. The strange thing she is still fiercely independent and will then be needy but yell at you and tantrum if you don't help her with exactly the right words, tone of voice, actions. I could try to adjust everything when my life wasn't as stressful, but once I had my own major stressors in the family I created it was unbearable even with a therapist giving me tips.

If they move to a facility where they can move independent to assisted, etc great. If they won't, I would look into aging professionals where they are like a geriatric social worker. While they are still very independent the person could just visit maybe twice a year to form a relationship, but as they age you increase the visits to once a month and even once a week. You want someone who can coordinate caregivers too and see if they have an emergency response system. Even living near my parents after many years of being the emergency response it becomes too much because in my case they felt too comfortable being on their worst behavior and you have you own kids. Now their are professionals in place who can take care of this. It's very expensive. For us it is so worth it. It took me so long to recover from each ordeal and it took a toll on our family.

The bolded is dementia.

Not necessarily, my mom's been that way her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents in upstate NY have been talking about moving closer to me for at least a decade. For a while I researched places out in more rural VA (they don't like the city and I'm in DC proper). I figured an hour to 90 minutes away is much better than 5-6 hours. After a few years I had to step off because as much as they talked about moving, they never actually did anything to work on it. I think like a PP said, the logistics are just too overwhelming to them. And I (only kid) don't have the bandwidth to figure it out for them. Plus they have lived in that area their whole lives so it would be a big move.

So now they are still in a house with lots of stairs and only two rooms with A/C, while my dad's mobility is deteriorating and my mom gets sick whenever it's too hot. I've accepted that nothing will change until it has to change. I was hoping to be proactive but now I will be happy if they find an appropriate housing situation near where they are now.

Take it from me, find the time to be proactive. I tried to get my parents to move closer to me when they were still in ok health and they wouldn’t have anything to do with it. Then my dad died and my mother became basically a helpless widow. I then had to scramble to move her here (in the midst of grieving, depression, a UTI, etc) and it was a nightmare. I then had to clean out their house (which took a lot of effort and almost a year) and sell it. 15 months later, things are finally settling down a bit and now she’s been diagnosed with dementia. Thankfully she is now in an age-in-place community and at least has 24/7 support and access to food, care, friends and entertainment. It was a MAJOR adjustment for her and one I wished she could have eased into when my father was alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parent suddenly open to suggestions means he recognizes their vulnerable situation and is seeking ideas. It sounds like he sees you can’t rely on friends in your old age.

It’s less jarring to move from Texas to the west coast if possible imo. But if you’re more willing to care for them than your sibling, you can just offer the possibility for them to consider and go from there.

+1 my parents had lived near my sister but when my dad's health was failing he proposed to my sister that they buy a house together. She's divorced with two teens, had been living in a small townhouse, and unhappy with the schools in her location. In retrospect I think my dad realized he'd never make it to living in the new house and it was really about making sure mom was in a good situation. Which is what happened. She and my mom get along well.

If you can get along, having your parent on site makes life easier in a lot of ways since you are checking in with them, keeping company just as part of life vs having to make time to visit even if they are someplace nearby