Thinking of asking elderly parents to move here (VA)

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their early '80's and still live in my hometown in Texas. I have one sibling on the West Coast and I am here in VA. It's two plane rides to get to them as they are not in a major city.

My parents have been talking for years about moving to a retirement community in their town, but have yet to make any constructive moves towards that decision. They are both in really good shape for early '80's, physically and mentally, but their age is starting to show.

When visiting last year my dad make a remark like, "If there's anywhere else we should think about moving, let us know." I had never seriously considered them leaving their town, but it's not the craziest idea. They do have a network of friends and their church and church relationships, but no family there at all. If they need something or something serious happens health-wise, neither my sibling or I can be there immediately.

Has anyone proposed your parents move closer to you? We aren't talking about them living with us, but maybe somewhere in the area. What to consider in making this kind of move? I've thought about medical, social, and driving. Financially I think they would be fine. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

This is not to talk you out of it. But, some issues I have seen.

Financial - You should do the real math and talk to them about actual costs and what you get for your money. My in-laws moved 40 minutes outside of DC, couldn't afford it, complained endlessly about the cost, and spent more money moving away again. Some of it was that they were not willing to give up the space they were used to and they couldn't afford the equivalent here.

Weather - It was too cold for them here. They couldn't handle the long winter (compared to the South) and they felt trapped even when there wasn't any snow or ice.

Medical - If they are in their 80's, there is a very real chance they are doing well because they are in familiar surroundings. Sometimes as soon as someone that age moves somewhere new, it becomes clear they were mostly coping because they were routine and one of the two is actually doing a lot more caregiving then anyone realizes. This happened to a neighbor. She was mostly ok but as soon as they moved, she had to go to memory care because she tanked and it turned out the spouse had been managing it all. (On the other hand, if this is happening and it's not clear. It may be a reason to move.)

Possessions - What is the house situation? People say they want to move but the logistics are too overwhelming. You should be prepared, if they will let you, to physically pack up their house, negotiate over what they don't need anymore, sell the house, and move them. They may not be able to manage it on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not to talk you out of it. But, some issues I have seen.

Financial - You should do the real math and talk to them about actual costs and what you get for your money. My in-laws moved 40 minutes outside of DC, couldn't afford it, complained endlessly about the cost, and spent more money moving away again. Some of it was that they were not willing to give up the space they were used to and they couldn't afford the equivalent here.

Weather - It was too cold for them here. They couldn't handle the long winter (compared to the South) and they felt trapped even when there wasn't any snow or ice.

Medical - If they are in their 80's, there is a very real chance they are doing well because they are in familiar surroundings. Sometimes as soon as someone that age moves somewhere new, it becomes clear they were mostly coping because they were routine and one of the two is actually doing a lot more caregiving then anyone realizes. This happened to a neighbor. She was mostly ok but as soon as they moved, she had to go to memory care because she tanked and it turned out the spouse had been managing it all. (On the other hand, if this is happening and it's not clear. It may be a reason to move.)

Possessions - What is the house situation? People say they want to move but the logistics are too overwhelming. You should be prepared, if they will let you, to physically pack up their house, negotiate over what they don't need anymore, sell the house, and move them. They may not be able to manage it on their own.

These are all super, super good points.

[Anonymous]

I moved my mom from Maryland about an hour away to Virginia, 15 minutes away. Since she moved I've gone from seeing her once every few weeks to seeing her twice a week. Her needs are more than they used to be but not twice-a-week more, she just wants me around all the time and it's really hard to set boundaries. Sometimes I just go there and sit in her apartment with her for two hours for nothing, so she's not bored or lonely (she's in assisted living but won't take the initiative to do any of the activities). It's a miserable life for both of us frankly. If your parents have a good support system they may be better off where they are.

[Anonymous]

PP makes good points. If they move there can be some deterioration. That said, it can sometimes be a nightmare when they chose to age in place.

I will tell you living near my parents went far differently than I expected. I knew they wouldn't help us at all with our kids while able and that was fine, but they were so fiercely independent I didn't assume they would become so needy and just plain mean. My dad, not so much, but moreso my mother. The strange thing she is still fiercely independent and will then be needy but yell at you and tantrum if you don't help her with exactly the right words, tone of voice, actions. I could try to adjust everything when my life wasn't as stressful, but once I had my own major stressors in the family I created it was unbearable even with a therapist giving me tips.

If they move to a facility where they can move independent to assisted, etc great. If they won't, I would look into aging professionals where they are like a geriatric social worker. While they are still very independent the person could just visit maybe twice a year to form a relationship, but as they age you increase the visits to once a month and even once a week. You want someone who can coordinate caregivers too and see if they have an emergency response system. Even living near my parents after many years of being the emergency response it becomes too much because in my case they felt too comfortable being on their worst behavior and you have you own kids. Now their are professionals in place who can take care of this. It's very expensive. For us it is so worth it. It took me so long to recover from each ordeal and it took a toll on our family.

[Anonymous]

there not their sorry

[Anonymous]

Doesn't the law require you to relocate elderly parents to Florida ?

[Anonymous]

Housing may be less expensive in Texas depending upon where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP makes good points. If they move there can be some deterioration. That said, it can sometimes be a nightmare when they chose to age in place.

I will tell you living near my parents went far differently than I expected. I knew they wouldn't help us at all with our kids while able and that was fine, but they were so fiercely independent I didn't assume they would become so needy and just plain mean. My dad, not so much, but moreso my mother. The strange thing she is still fiercely independent and will then be needy but yell at you and tantrum if you don't help her with exactly the right words, tone of voice, actions. I could try to adjust everything when my life wasn't as stressful, but once I had my own major stressors in the family I created it was unbearable even with a therapist giving me tips.

If they move to a facility where they can move independent to assisted, etc great. If they won't, I would look into aging professionals where they are like a geriatric social worker. While they are still very independent the person could just visit maybe twice a year to form a relationship, but as they age you increase the visits to once a month and even once a week. You want someone who can coordinate caregivers too and see if they have an emergency response system. Even living near my parents after many years of being the emergency response it becomes too much because in my case they felt too comfortable being on their worst behavior and you have you own kids. Now their are professionals in place who can take care of this. It's very expensive. For us it is so worth it. It took me so long to recover from each ordeal and it took a toll on our family.

The bolded is dementia.

[Anonymous]

My parents in upstate NY have been talking about moving closer to me for at least a decade. For a while I researched places out in more rural VA (they don't like the city and I'm in DC proper). I figured an hour to 90 minutes away is much better than 5-6 hours. After a few years I had to step off because as much as they talked about moving, they never actually did anything to work on it. I think like a PP said, the logistics are just too overwhelming to them. And I (only kid) don't have the bandwidth to figure it out for them. Plus they have lived in that area their whole lives so it would be a big move.

So now they are still in a house with lots of stairs and only two rooms with A/C, while my dad's mobility is deteriorating and my mom gets sick whenever it's too hot. I've accepted that nothing will change until it has to change. I was hoping to be proactive but now I will be happy if they find an appropriate housing situation near where they are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP makes good points. If they move there can be some deterioration. That said, it can sometimes be a nightmare when they chose to age in place.

I will tell you living near my parents went far differently than I expected. I knew they wouldn't help us at all with our kids while able and that was fine, but they were so fiercely independent I didn't assume they would become so needy and just plain mean. My dad, not so much, but moreso my mother. The strange thing she is still fiercely independent and will then be needy but yell at you and tantrum if you don't help her with exactly the right words, tone of voice, actions. I could try to adjust everything when my life wasn't as stressful, but once I had my own major stressors in the family I created it was unbearable even with a therapist giving me tips.

If they move to a facility where they can move independent to assisted, etc great. If they won't, I would look into aging professionals where they are like a geriatric social worker. While they are still very independent the person could just visit maybe twice a year to form a relationship, but as they age you increase the visits to once a month and even once a week. You want someone who can coordinate caregivers too and see if they have an emergency response system. Even living near my parents after many years of being the emergency response it becomes too much because in my case they felt too comfortable being on their worst behavior and you have you own kids. Now their are professionals in place who can take care of this. It's very expensive. For us it is so worth it. It took me so long to recover from each ordeal and it took a toll on our family.

The bolded is dementia.

+1

[Anonymous]

PSA.

Everyone should do a Swedish death cleanse by 60. Before you retire, before you become frail, before kids need to help you, before you need to move, before you die.

You need to live the remainder of your life with freedom. material goods tie you down..

[Anonymous]

Why would they uproot and move to VA and leave behind everything (and everybody) they know? All bc YOU want them near by? And why? Bc you have some great vision of you swooping in to help them in their later years.

[Anonymous]

You do the research, Op. Know their assets. Know what suitable assisted living condo would cost here, and there. Go on tours. Take them on tours. You're going to have to actually do the leg-work. Then they/you decide.

[Anonymous]

If they can move to assisted living in their town, that seems fine, but what’s not fine is them continuing to do nothing.
I’d just talk with them frankly. “Mom, dad, I live far away, what do you want to do in terms of arranging things so that when you need care you can get it? Do you want to move someplace in your town, move to assisted living near me, what are you thinking?”
If what they want is not to move, can they afford in home care?
Can you find a local geriatric care manager and start a relationship now so that if someone has a fall, you have someone local and lined up to help find in home aides, etc?
The worst thing you could do is keep going with no Frank discussion about the need for action.