Am I in the wrong for not being more vocal against my son's father for not accepting his engagement

[Anonymous]

*to support son.

[Anonymous]

Look, you’re right that you can’t control your husband.

But, my cousin just married his partner, and my aunt and uncle - who are in their mid-70s and live in Mississippi ffs - are thrilled and have welcomed his new husband with open arms. So I think you and your husband both suck with your “oh, we’re just old and from the country so this is just all too much for us.”

[Anonymous]

Yes, you and the father are wrong. You are are siding with an invisible, thousands year-old faith instead of supporting your sons fully appropriate life choices in a current society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree your husband is wrong and your age is no excuse. My grandpa (now pushing 100) took a gay student under his wing when he was rejected by family and became a mentor to him back in the 1960's. The kid grew up, moved to Canada, and my grandma and grandpa went to his wedding back in the early 80's and have stayed in touch since.

Didn't Jesus love everyone? If you're so Christian, shouldn’t you be encouraging your husband to love everyone?

Please send your son to me - my husband will congratulate him, walk him down the aisle, pay for half the wedding, and support him and his marriage.

Lesbian jumping in here to point out something non-Christians get wrong all the time.

Loving someone does not mean agreeing with them about everything and unconditionally supporting everything they choose.

If dad has a sincerely held belief that homosexual relationships are immoral, he is under no obligation to pretend otherwise, and that in and of itself does not mean he does not love his son. If he doesn’t have anything nice to say about his son’s relationship, then he is better off not saying anything at all. It is sad, but you can’t force people this way.

That said, Mom needs to be a better ally.

I agree age is not an excuse. My working class immigrant 94 year old grandpa was supportive of my lesbian cousin and her wife and thrilled when their baby was born.

+100

another lesbian that agrees with this.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to share a story about some extremely religious cousins that I have. Every year they (cousin, his wife and their kids) spend a week at our beach house (with my husband and my kids). They invite us to events at their house and and we do the same. After several years I finally asked my cousin and his wife how they were able to reconcile spending time with my family when their religion which is the center of their lives obviously is not okay with us.

He told me that we are family and he will always love us but perhaps more practically he and his wife enjoy spending time with my husband and me and our kids all get along well. He also finds us to be good people, good to each other and good parents. He said that his religion has a problem with our relationship and he takes the Bible at face value. He told me that he is unable to reconcile these opposing viewpoints but he accepts that they just unreconciled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being an ass and you aren't being supportive. Have you said congratulations? Have you commiserated with your son about how hard it is to have a parent reject you and your relationship?

OP here, yes I did and continue to support him but I think my original reaction had him upset.

NP. Of course your original reaction made him upset! And yes, you are in the wrong by not standing up for your son.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband wants the son to either marry a woman as a beard and live an unhappy life or live a celibate sad life alone. Those are solutions that Christian's have for the gay people.

I love my partner. If my parent refused to accept my sexuality or my partner, I would cut the parent out of my life. My life is better without bigots in it. Why don't you go live a lonely celibate life?

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re right that your son’s dad has a right to his own opinion. You’re not right to keep entering that opinion in your conversations with your son. Be supportive of him and his partner. Tell them you love them. Don’t react to anything in their lives or relationships with “That would your dad think?!” which is a pretty ridiculous response to anything a 40yo tells you.

Congratulations to your son. I’m sorry his father prefers to miss out on family ties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years. He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years. I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years. He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father. Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic. My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life. My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad. I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and said I would show up to the wedding. Am I in the wrong in this case? Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there.

That’s tolerance, not acceptance. You need to do more than just show up.

You can’t control what your husband thinks or does, but neither should you minimize it or in any way protect him from the consequences of his behavior.

It’s terrible that your first reaction to joyful news was to throw cold water on your son and tell him that his father wouldn’t be happy. I hope you can make up for that with enthusiasm and support now.

[Anonymous]

The way you called him your son’s father lead me to think you were divorced. If that were the case, I would have said there’s not much you can do. But now I’m Team Son all the way - you are married to a homophobic ass! How can you live with someone who is so hateful?! And it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything to change his mind?? You’re going to let your husband skip his son’s wedding without pushing back? This isn’t a morally grey area - your husband is in the wrong, he doesn’t get to decide who your son loves. If I were your kid, I would be heartbroken to have a bigot for a dad and a pushover for a mom. If you want your husband to have any kind of relationship with his son, if YOU want to have a relationship with your son, do your best to drag your husband into the 21st century and get over his hurtful beliefs before it’s too late!

What if instead of being gay, your son was engaged to a woman of a different race? And your husband thought people of that race were inferior? Would you just sit back and say, oh well, I guess my husband is racist, nothing to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years. He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years. I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years. He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father. Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic. My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life. My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad. I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and said I would show up to the wedding. Am I in the wrong in this case? Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there.

That’s tolerance, not acceptance. You need to do more than just show up.

You can’t control what your husband thinks or does, but neither should you minimize it or in any way protect him from the consequences of his behavior.

It’s terrible that your first reaction to joyful news was to throw cold water on your son and tell him that his father wouldn’t be happy. I hope you can make up for that with enthusiasm and support now.

This is basically how I feel too. You sound like one of those “hate the sin, love the sinner” types. The thing is, loving someone and having a healthy relationship shouldn’t be labeled a sin. It’s also offensive that you blame your homophobia on Christianity. Plenty of Christian’s aren’t homophobic, don’t just tolerate but accept and support the lgbt community, and are gay themselves.

Really think about how you’re both treating your son. Just because you’re doing better than your husband doesn’t mean you’re doing well. Your son will remember the things you said about his partner and his sexuality even after he’s married. It’s not like once they’re married, all the negative things go away and you get to start fresh. You have a history of being negative toward them as a couple. My MIL thought she could say whatever she wanted until we married, but then she would have to be nice because we’d be family, and that I would accept that change. I hope that’s not your plan too. I also hope you and your husband don’t plan to exclude your son’s husband from family events. It would suck to make your son choose between spending a holiday with his spouse or parents. I can’t imagine many people would choose parents in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree your husband is wrong and your age is no excuse. My grandpa (now pushing 100) took a gay student under his wing when he was rejected by family and became a mentor to him back in the 1960's. The kid grew up, moved to Canada, and my grandma and grandpa went to his wedding back in the early 80's and have stayed in touch since.

Didn't Jesus love everyone? If you're so Christian, shouldnt you be encouraging your husband to love everyone?

Please send your son to me - my husband will congratulate him, walk him down the aisle, pay for half the wedding, and support him and his marriage.

I don’t think the OP said the father did not love the son. The father believes marriage is between a man and woman and is having a hard time accepting his son’s decision to marry another man. Not too long ago, most people did not support gay marriage. The fact that he is not where the secular progressive left is on this issue does not make him less of a Christian but I think he should continue to work out issues and try to continue to have a relationship with his son and see past their differences. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years. He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years. I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years. He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father. Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic. My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life. My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad. I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and said I would show up to the wedding. Am I in the wrong in this case? Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there.

This is not your age .

This is you and your husband being horrible humans

Christian is BS I’m tired of Christian values all that means is hate for others and frankly it’s pathetic

Find another church that doesn’t spread hate

[Anonymous]

YOU put yourself in the middle between your son and husband, and chose to support your husband. When your son told you happy news, your first reaction was to say your husband won’t like it.

My parents are also in their late 60’s and early 70’s and came to my (lesbian) wedding full of joy. They were very difficult for many years but when I said I was getting married they finally stepped up. You can too.

“Showing up” isn’t good enough. Help him plan the wedding and show as much interest as if he were marrying a woman. If your husband can’t get on board, do your best to ignore him and be there for your son.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband are horrible humans

Conservatives are ridiculous.

It’s none of your business what someone does sexually.

It’s your child you love who they love unless of cours3 the o5er human is a shit like domestic violence o4 gambling or prostitution oh dear that happen# in many bible thumping marriages.