Am I in the wrong for not being more vocal against my son's father for not accepting his engagement

[Anonymous]

My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years. He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years. I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years. He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father. Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic. My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life. My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad. I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and said I would show up to the wedding. Am I in the wrong in this case? Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is being an ass and you aren't being supportive. Have you said congratulations? Have you commiserated with your son about how hard it is to have a parent reject you and your relationship?

[Anonymous]

I agree your husband is wrong and your age is no excuse. My grandpa (now pushing 100) took a gay student under his wing when he was rejected by family and became a mentor to him back in the 1960's. The kid grew up, moved to Canada, and my grandma and grandpa went to his wedding back in the early 80's and have stayed in touch since.

Didn't Jesus love everyone? If you're so Christian, shouldnt you be encouraging your husband to love everyone?

Please send your son to me - my husband will congratulate him, walk him down the aisle, pay for half the wedding, and support him and his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being an ass and you aren't being supportive. Have you said congratulations? Have you commiserated with your son about how hard it is to have a parent reject you and your relationship?

OP here, yes I did and continue to support him but I think my original reaction had him upset.

[Anonymous]

I find this so very sad for your son. I'm trying to imagine how much time I would be willing to spend with family who behaved like this to my spouse, the most important person in my life - and am amazed that you have much of a relationship with him given how you've treated he and his fiance. I hope that your son has a community of friends and family - chosen or otherwise- who do support him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being an ass and you aren't being supportive. Have you said congratulations? Have you commiserated with your son about how hard it is to have a parent reject you and your relationship?

OP here, yes I did and continue to support him but I think my original reaction had him upset.

With good reason! Have you apologized without making excuses?

[Anonymous]

You and your son need to learn, you can't control other people, nor is it your responsibility to do so.

You congratulate your son, you welcome his spouse, you go to the wedding, all alone if you must.

But your son is wrong, you should not have to get in the middle. Just lead by example.

[Anonymous]

If it was me, I would push back HARD on any suggestion that any of this is somehow my fault. I do not appreciate being put between a rock and a hard place, and then blamed. Sure, you can try to change your husband's mind, but honestly you know him best and if you think it's a waste of time, it's a waste of time, isn't it?

You can remind your son that YOU are supportive and have been for several years, and that YOU are attending the wedding, and that your husband is not your problem. Don't tell him right now, but when he's married for a while, he will understand that sometimes couples have strong differences of opinions and that sometimes, one spouse cannot easily convince the other.

Also, unless your husband is a complete donkey, time is probably on your side. My father didn't talk to me for 6 months when I announced at 20 that I was going to move to a different continent with my boyfriend, for grad school. He could not accept that his little girl was going to do something so alien to his conservative values. I'm sure my mother worked on him, but I didn't ask for her assistance, and he eventually came around and has been very supportive ever since.

All is not lost, OP. Coming outs and weddings are emotional things at the best of times, even for accepting and tolerant households, and tensions always surface. Your husband may come around and attend the wedding, or he might not, but will start being more understanding and appreciative later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree your husband is wrong and your age is no excuse. My grandpa (now pushing 100) took a gay student under his wing when he was rejected by family and became a mentor to him back in the 1960's. The kid grew up, moved to Canada, and my grandma and grandpa went to his wedding back in the early 80's and have stayed in touch since.

Didn't Jesus love everyone? If you're so Christian, shouldnt you be encouraging your husband to love everyone?

Please send your son to me - my husband will congratulate him, walk him down the aisle, pay for half the wedding, and support him and his marriage.

I'm guessing OP is Christian but her husband (or ex) isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree your husband is wrong and your age is no excuse. My grandpa (now pushing 100) took a gay student under his wing when he was rejected by family and became a mentor to him back in the 1960's. The kid grew up, moved to Canada, and my grandma and grandpa went to his wedding back in the early 80's and have stayed in touch since.

Didn't Jesus love everyone? If you're so Christian, shouldn’t you be encouraging your husband to love everyone?

Please send your son to me - my husband will congratulate him, walk him down the aisle, pay for half the wedding, and support him and his marriage.

Lesbian jumping in here to point out something non-Christians get wrong all the time.

Loving someone does not mean agreeing with them about everything and unconditionally supporting everything they choose.

If dad has a sincerely held belief that homosexual relationships are immoral, he is under no obligation to pretend otherwise, and that in and of itself does not mean he does not love his son. If he doesn’t have anything nice to say about his son’s relationship, then he is better off not saying anything at all. It is sad, but you can’t force people this way.

That said, Mom needs to be a better ally.

I agree age is not an excuse. My working class immigrant 94 year old grandpa was supportive of my lesbian cousin and her wife and thrilled when their baby was born.

[Anonymous]

No you aren’t wrong. You aren’t in control of someone else’s response and he’s allowed to have an opinion and a stance even if it’s contrary to yours. Just love and support your son as much as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years. He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years. I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years. He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father. Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic. My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life. My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad. I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and said I would show up to the wedding. Am I in the wrong in this case? Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there.

Well, yeah, technically. This is America. We have freedom and all. But I don't agree with responding to hatred and bigotry directed at your son, which must be incredibly painful for him, with this "Your dad has a right to his opinion" stuff. Protect and support your child who is just living his life instead of protecting his father who sounds like an awful human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is being an ass and you aren't being supportive. Have you said congratulations? Have you commiserated with your son about how hard it is to have a parent reject you and your relationship?

This. You are lucky your son hasn’t cut you both off. I would have.

[Anonymous]

Okay, OP, you’re right. You can’t control your DH.

But your response has been lackluster - sounds like you kinda slide under the radar because DH is a more obvious jerk. If you don’t want to held to his reaction, I get that, but yours was hardly exemplary.

[Anonymous]

OP is stuck in an unfair position, thanks to her bigot husband. It's OK that she fumbled. Try again tonaupp5 son.