Reply to Am I in the wrong for not being more vocal against my son's father for not accepting his engagement

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Reply to "Am I in the wrong for not being more vocal against my son's father for not accepting his engagement"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My 40 year old adult son is gay and has been out to me for years.  He recently came out to his father a year ago although I think he has known for years.  I struggled with this as I am very Christian and grew up in a rural area where it isn't talked about.

He recently told us he was going to propose to his boyfriend of six years.  He got upset at me because my first reaction was "well, I don't know if this will go over well with your father" and I told him to tell his father.  Well his father didn't take it too well and just sort of ignored the topic for months.

He did get engaged and my son and my husband got into a heated argument as his dad still had not wished him congratulations and still won't bring up the topic.  My husband told my son, he can do what he wants but he doesn't support gay marriage and won't be attending the wedding.

I told my son that his dad has a right to his opinion and he may not ever change his mind, but he shouldn't worry about us and just live his life.  My son said I wasn't doing enough and felt I wasn't a true ally when it came to his dad.  I met his boyfriend and he is a really nice guy and [b]said I would show up to the wedding[/b].  Am I in the wrong in this case?  Keep in mind we are in our late 60s and early 70s, so there is definitely generational gap there. [/quote]

That’s tolerance, not acceptance. You need to do more than just show up.

You can’t control what your husband thinks or does, but neither should you minimize it or in any way protect him from the consequences of his behavior.

It’s terrible that your first reaction to joyful news was to throw cold water on your son and tell him that his father wouldn’t be happy. I hope you can make up for that with enthusiasm and support now.[/quote]

This is basically how I feel too. You sound like one of those “hate the sin, love the sinner” types. The thing is, loving someone and having a healthy relationship shouldn’t be labeled a sin. It’s also offensive that you blame your homophobia on Christianity. Plenty of Christian’s aren’t homophobic, don’t just tolerate but accept and support the lgbt community, and are gay themselves.

Really think about how you’re both treating your son. Just because you’re doing better than your husband doesn’t mean you’re doing well. Your son will remember the things you said about his partner and his sexuality even after he’s married. It’s not like once they’re married, all the negative things go away and you get to start fresh. You have a history of being negative toward them as a couple. My MIL thought she could say whatever she wanted until we married, but then she would have to be nice because we’d be family, and that I would accept that change. I hope that’s not your plan too. I also hope you and your husband don’t plan to exclude your son’s husband from family events. It would suck to make your son choose between spending a holiday with his spouse or parents. I can’t imagine many people would choose parents in that situation. [/quote]

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