Coming to Terms with Smaller Family-ASD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always thought I’d have a large family. I am a SAHM and somehow could not find the will. Parenting was so difficult for me. Handling DH’s new temperament post-child (tantrums and rigidity) was a challenge. I became anxious and depressed.

I blamed myself for not being a good enough wife and parent. I read all the books and wondered why they didn’t work — must be I wasn’t consistent or empathetic enough.

Finally 10 years later DC has an ASD diagnosis. (DH is sure he’s on spectrum too.) my struggle now makes sense.

And yet! I cannot help but see other families, large ones, that gracefully parent a SN child and their siblings. I wonder why I could barely handle one. I regret not having a larger family. I could have. It was all in my control but I spiraled downwards. My DC has no friends and now has no chance for a sibling.

How do you deal with regret? Am
I the only one who had less children because of issues from ASD kid needing more intense parenting?

My child was diagnosed with ASD late too, at 11, and I will never have another child. Parenting is hell when you don't have a diagnosis - in my case my child's providers couldn't see anything "different" with my child and so my parenting was blamed. For 11 years. Everything that I struggled with I can now look back and say, "wow, NT parenting really doesn't work with ND behaviors/children".

I firmly believe that the parents who "gracefully" their ND children know that their kids are ND and so are able to build their team and get parenting supports from a young age. That was not an option for me, because no one believed anything was wrong or different, and so it was all put on my shoulders for not being able to successfully use NT parenting strategies with a child who is ND.

The damage done by providers not listening is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:many who seem to handle this seamlessly are probably not as attuned to the needs of the kids. My sister and her husband have several SN kids. Let me tell you, they don't put in what is needed. They are hell bent on "me time" and not getting plugged in with resources in a resourceful way

Hmmm, judgy... It's different for everyone, especially with someone with "several SN kids." What is needed (on top of a f*ck ton of patience with kids and services) is time and money. Something a lot of people don't have.

[Anonymous]

I have a DH who received his ASD diagnosis after I begged him to go in for testing when our baby was 3 months old. His tantrums, rigidity, executive function lapses and moods escalated and I realized that something was wrong. Initially the doctors assessed him for and diagnosed him with ADHD, but after a few months of medication they brought him back in for more testing. There is no “gracefully” when I’m coparenting with him. When he is at his maximum effort and stress, a typical adult would still have 50% of their patience and energy left. So he can’t support me and my DD through normal bumps, twists, disagreements, interruptions or challenges. It sends him over the edge and he’ll blow up or just freeze and disappear. Depending on where and when it happens, I not only have to leap into action but I also have to cover for any of his inappropriate behavior if it is in public and seamlessly take over as the only parent in that moment.

ASD made so much sense and was somewhat of a relief, but it was devastating for our family structure and how I looked at my future family. It was too much to consider adding anything else to his plate because sharing space with one child (who is neurotypical in our case) was too much for him.

Parenting my child is a joy and I feel lucky to have that. Co-parenting my child with my DH is a burden I never imagined and has left me feeling sad, lonely, overwhelmed and isolated.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids with the exact same diagnoses, and one is MUCH more difficult to parent than the other. So don't assume that other SN families are actually dealing with the same thing that you are.

Also, as my family shows...if you have one kid with a developmental disability, the chances of future kids having similar issues is greatly increased. I obviously love both my kids to the moon and back, but my first (easier) kid had not yet been diagnosed when I got pregnant the second time. I might have made a different decision if I'd realized the likelihood of ending up with two autistic and ADHD kids. Not because they are not great, but because I often feel like I don't have the resources to fully meet both of their needs.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw- it’s not too late to have another child if you still want a bigger family. I have 4 friends who have a 10+ year difference between oldest and youngest. Would you consider?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Mine are around the same age as yours. Yes, it is so much easier!

That’s one reason I feel so much regret. I don’t regret not being a CEO or philanthropist. Those were never a possibility for me. Three kids? Well, yes, that was possible. It was my own issues that cut off that choice. (Unlike you, I do not work and have more time.) my fault. I’m too old now.

Surely, there are people who struggle with infertility or other bigger issues than mine. I wonder what tools they use to get over it, to whatever extent they can. I know how I should feel. I don’t know how to get there.

Anyway, PP, thank you for your honesty.

I’m sending so much love to you and the other posters. Please don’t compare your grief to other people’s issues. It’s all relative and belittles you’re own feelings. I think the best way to get over it is to really really feel it. Don’t try to avoid the feeling, burying it will make it worse. When you think about it, where in your body do you feel it? Your stomach? Your neck, chest, jaw…everyone? Feel it and acknowledge it. Grieve it. Over time it may never get less sad, but it won’t be as hard. Maybe it will be easier to rewrite your story and perspective.

And to the PP who was in the devastating position and had to terminate the pregnancy- I’m so sorry. I have run scenarios in my mind if I were to accidentally get pregnant again and would sadly have to do the exact same thing because of the same reason. I can’t imagine, except to say I am sending a huge compassionate hug your way.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - how old are you now? Is there still time to have a second child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP - how old are you now? Is there still time to have a second child?

Sounds like OP is married to her second “child.” I get why she’s burnt out.

[Anonymous]

I also mourn the loss of a larger family. None of the grandparents believe that older DC is autistic, yet he totally melted down over germs tonight. It took me hours. My mom blames me. It’s awful. When we just have my younger, it’s so much easier, i which is so sad. I’m always sad.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with the same, OP. DS was a preemie and it took years and years of various therapies to get on an even keel. We started late in the game with a family, and in the midst of DS's early years, I just couldn't see how I could reasonably go through it all again. I feel guilty for making a decision that impacted all of us, but I don't know if DH or DS has real regrets.

This is 1000% not the same thing, but we got a dog a few years ago, and it has been so emotionally fulfilling for all of us in a way I never expected. She has enriched our family in so many ways, and I think has helped me feel less like something is missing. She's also helped all of us (but maybe me especially) find daily joy again.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing such raw and real and intimate experiences. My kids are 6 and 4, the older is SN, no clear diagnosis but needs a lot. Parenting is so much harder than I ever imagined, and I've always wanted 3, but can't fathom how we could really manage another. I'm definitely grieving that we won't have another baby and struggling to find peace in the day to day that feels so much less joyful than I wish. It's validating and healing to hear others who have BTDT. I appreciate this forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honey it's not just the kid, it's the DH. You are singlehandedly emotionally regulating and executive functioning for three people and it's a lot. It was never in your control-- it was always gonna be this way and it isn't your fault.

You are not the only one who has this, and I hope that the diagnosis is helpful to you and your family. I hope that you see a lot of progress and maturity in your son so that you can all enjoy life. It's great that your DH is receptive to acknowledging his own neurodiversity-- that will be really helpful.

+1

Your untreated asd spouse IS developmentally a child. And one who cannot learn.