Coming to Terms with Smaller Family-ASD
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Anonymous
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I always thought I’d have a large family. I am a SAHM and somehow could not find the will. Parenting was so difficult for me. Handling DH’s new temperament post-child (tantrums and rigidity) was a challenge. I became anxious and depressed.
I blamed myself for not being a good enough wife and parent. I read all the books and wondered why they didn’t work — must be I wasn’t consistent or empathetic enough. Finally 10 years later DC has an ASD diagnosis. (DH is sure he’s on spectrum too.) my struggle now makes sense. And yet! I cannot help but see other families, large ones, that gracefully parent a SN child and their siblings. I wonder why I could barely handle one. I regret not having a larger family. I could have. It was all in my control but I spiraled downwards. My DC has no friends and now has no chance for a sibling. How do you deal with regret? Am I the only one who had less children because of issues from ASD kid needing more intense parenting? |
Anonymous
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Honey it's not just the kid, it's the DH. You are singlehandedly emotionally regulating and executive functioning for three people and it's a lot. It was never in your control-- it was always gonna be this way and it isn't your fault.
You are not the only one who has this, and I hope that the diagnosis is helpful to you and your family. I hope that you see a lot of progress and maturity in your son so that you can all enjoy life. It's great that your DH is receptive to acknowledging his own neurodiversity-- that will be really helpful. |
Anonymous
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We settled on one kid for a variety of reasons, and DS’s mild ASD symptoms as a toddler were one factor. More important was the fact that DH found kids stressful, so I was compensating to make things easier for him. And I was working full time. DH was angry or tantrumming, just stressed and prong to self reflective unhappiness. It was obvious early on that a second kid would have broken him, and our marriage.
Very happy many years later with our one awesome kid, my very successful career and a very happy marriage. |
Anonymous
| I know of a SN family of 6 that imploded. From the otdufe, everyone thought it was graceful. I think you are being wide in not biting off more than you can chew |
Anonymous
| It’s ok to feel bad about the life you thought you would have. However, do not let that interfere with making the most of the life that you do have. You did the best that could. |
Anonymous
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Similar situation. We both figured we'd have more than one kid but dh astutely realized after the first that he wasn't up for it. He couldn't articulate it well, so there was extra heartache, but now that we have diagnoses, I understand it better.
I relate to your struggles of feeling like a mediocre parent. I've worked professionally with kids and couldn't figure out for years why it seemed so much harder and why the things that worked reliably with so many kids were not as successful at home. |
Anonymous
| I think I always kind of thought we’d be open to having more kids and we now have 2 and we are really drowning. One is autistic and my DH we’re realizing is too and it having a hard time managing life, work, kids, as well and is coming out as so much rigidity, black and white thinking and tantrums at times. Sometimes I’m like how did this all happen and how can it get easier? Because it feels hopeless right now. |
Anonymous
| many who seem to handle this seamlessly are probably not as attuned to the needs of the kids. My sister and her husband have several SN kids. Let me tell you, they don't put in what is needed. They are hell bent on "me time" and not getting plugged in with resources in a resourceful way |
Anonymous
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I also think not all special needs kids take the same emotional toll. My DD age 8 is ADHD, mild ASD, severe dyslexia. But she is a delight and far easier compared to her older (teenage) sister who is far more mainstream academically — with just ADHD/dysgraphia — but has anxiety which leads to raging emotional regulation issues which upend the family on a semi regular basis.
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Anonymous
| Op - yes. My oldest child has adhd and maybe asd (it’s unclear but suffice it to say a lot of issues w emotional regulation and inflexibility - less so social). I have a second. I did ivf to get these two and wanted maybe a bigger family but was having such a hard time with the sn child and other child and my ft job. I got pg again (surprise after so much ivf) when mine were 6 and 3 and I terminated bc I was so so overwhelmed. I never post or talk about it bc i know I will get slammed for it - but I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and I needed to be present for the kids I have. I have soooooo much anxiety and sadness about that decision (not regret like it was the wrong choice but regret like I wish I had not been in that position). So I totally get it. I wish I had words of wisdom at this point but I don’t. I just - I get it |
Anonymous
Nobody handles this gracefully. You can't see behind the curtain, so please don't assume that anyone is handling anything better than you are. Honestly. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for sharing. This is a tough situation. FWIW, no judgment here. You did the best you could. It’s hard on you, but perhaps the best thing for your kids. Sadly, they may never know what a sacrifice you made for them. But know that I admire you. Surely, your SN child will especially benefit for the rest of their life. I know Mine needs a heck of a lot more time and money than I thought ever possible. |
Anonymous
Ty - but I did want to come back and say something. Now my sn ds is 10 and the other one (who is nt) is 7 and things are so much more manageable. That makes me feel many feelings about my choices, but what I wanted to say to you was that idk how old you are but maybe give it a couple years more and then decide? Some sn kids do become easier once they are old enough to understand themselves, once meds have stabilized and - for example in the case of my kid and sports - once they find something that really works for them and gives them structure and joy. Gl mama |
Anonymous
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OP here. Mine are around the same age as yours. Yes, it is so much easier!
That’s one reason I feel so much regret. I don’t regret not being a CEO or philanthropist. Those were never a possibility for me. Three kids? Well, yes, that was possible. It was my own issues that cut off that choice. (Unlike you, I do not work and have more time.) my fault. I’m too old now. Surely, there are people who struggle with infertility or other bigger issues than mine. I wonder what tools they use to get over it, to whatever extent they can. I know how I should feel. I don’t know how to get there. Anyway, PP, thank you for your honesty. |
Anonymous
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I also always imagined a big family - certainly at least three kids. But it took us a long time to get pregnant, our oldest has adhd and our youngest is autistic, and neither one sleep well for many years. Those early years pushed us to the edge, and at various time when we might have tried for a third, I always had a strong feeling that one more child might break us. I still think that's probably true, even know that my youngest is 8, and we are also too old to try for more anyway.
I mourned that realization for a long time, considered it a reflection of my and my husbands "weakness," and sometimes felt jealous of large, happy, go-with-the-flow families. I've found my peace with it, but I'm not sure how. One thing that I think helped was realizing that my desire for a third was also an expression of unmet needs or expectations in my life. OP, you mention the idea that a sibling might be a companion for your child - but that's not a guarantee. This hypothetical child could be resentful of their older sibling, or have their own different and conflicting needs, or....on and on. Reframing my desire for more kids as unmet needs helped me think of other ways to meet those needs for myself and my kids. Please be gentle with yourself, OP. You are doing your best with a tough hand, and that is good enough! |