When parents are across the country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom's failure to plan is a plan that will fail. Unfortunately, you have to let it fail.

Yup.

Let her rot in her home and die there. Who cares?

Dang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you keep your own life intact when your parents are across the country and the sh-t starts to hit the fan?

I need practical advice and maybe commiseration. It’s just my mom left and she’s refused for years to leave her house in a faraway part of the country for either something smaller, senior housing, or something near me. She’s apparently hidden health problems for years and now it’s all blown up. She has a huge house that’s in ok repair but too out of date to put on the market easily, and she needs to get out due to the health problems. I don’t think she can be completely on her own but she isn’t quite in assisted living territory Somehow I need to convince her to move here or move somewhere close to her, but she’s refused for years so it will be a fire drill. Her plan was apparently that I would permanently move back and help her.

Either way, I literally do not have time for this. For many years I asked her to put together a plan for relocation or downsizing and gave her clear times of year and time spans when I would be able to easily fly out to assist her. Now is NOT one of those time- my DH’s career has current priority in terms of his travel and on-call times, so I am primarily responsible for our child + my job. I refuse to sacrifice my kid’s school life and extracurriculars by uprooting her temporarily and am not in a position to hire a nanny for months on end so I can temporarily live out of state to deal with my mom’s mess. I have a sibling, but don’t expect any help from them.

I read about all of these families that put together a plan an executed it with mild disruption and argument. What do you do about your obligations to your nuclear family when your parents stick you with out-of-state messes?

Quite a long post to complain about your mother. Instead of spending so much of your energy complaining, why not focus on actually doing something to help? You realize that someday you will be old too, right? And when that time comes you might not want to leave everything behind that you ever knew either? Why did you make the decision to move so far away from your mother anyway? Some of your problems seem self-inflicted.

Pathetic, unhelpful, and idiotic

[Anonymous]

My friend had the following approach with her mom and it worked. She insisted her mom look/tour assisted living/over 55 apartments that included meals. My friend’s reasonings with her mom was IF you get sick, break a hip etc, I want your input on facilities. If you won’t give any input and something happens, I will make those decisions on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry that your mother is causing you to feel guilt, OP, through no fault of your own.

I have such a mother. She is a self-sabotaging person and has been since I can remember.

So when the time comes that she needs my help... I will do my best to help her within my capabilities, and try not to feel guilty about doing more. I will not risk my sanity or financial independence to be at her beck and call, because I've seen my father turn into her slave, and I moved away to avoid becoming a slave too.

I am the second PP on this thread and the same happened to my dad as well.
Sad how 40 years of his life basically just went down the drain (except he raised us who now help him have a better time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people have to actually go through a really difficult period before they are willing to accept reality.

This may seem kinda morbid, OP, but my MIl had a whole struggle with her own mother over this stuff. And grand-MIL never gave an inch. Then one day, while she was still handling things pretty well on her own, she lay down for a nap and died. So none of the things MIL stressed so much about ever actually happened.

That’s one good deed on her part!

[Anonymous]

My practical advice is to start small. If she’s not use to help, get her a weekly cleaning service. That may turn into more frequent helpers-with shopping, cooking, help around the house. But since healthy people have cleaners too, it can be a start.

Then, when you can visit, start touring assisted living options, just to see them. Also start working on organizing important documents or cleaning one room of the house. Each trip have one specific goal. Anything you can do to prepare will help later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My practical advice is to start small. If she’s not use to help, get her a weekly cleaning service. That may turn into more frequent helpers-with shopping, cooking, help around the house. But since healthy people have cleaners too, it can be a start.

Then, when you can visit, start touring assisted living options, just to see them. Also start working on organizing important documents or cleaning one room of the house. Each trip have one specific goal. Anything you can do to prepare will help later.

Ugh. That’s the thing. Even the two items you mention involve trips across the country. This poor woman is going to spend $1000 to get on 1-2 flights to clean a room for a weekend and probably get scolded. And then repeat it how many times and how often? Every month for a year?

The last thing I want to do after working all week is to go straight to the airport, fly across the country, get in a rental car
at midnight and clean/get yelled at for a weekend and then go straight back to work on Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My practical advice is to start small. If she’s not use to help, get her a weekly cleaning service. That may turn into more frequent helpers-with shopping, cooking, help around the house. But since healthy people have cleaners too, it can be a start.

Then, when you can visit, start touring assisted living options, just to see them. Also start working on organizing important documents or cleaning one room of the house. Each trip have one specific goal. Anything you can do to prepare will help later.

Ugh. That’s the thing. Even the two items you mention involve trips across the country. This poor woman is going to spend $1000 to get on 1-2 flights to clean a room for a weekend and probably get scolded. And then repeat it how many times and how often? Every month for a year?

The last thing I want to do after working all week is to go straight to the airport, fly across the country, get in a rental car
at midnight and clean/get yelled at for a weekend and then go straight back to work on Monday.

I agree with this - I know I have a moral obligation to help my aging parents, but when my mom refuses to take any advice, makes bad choices, fails to face reality, then things go badly and she expects me to swoop in and clean it up? And then calls me a bulldozer for trying to help her solve obvious problems? And implies I don't respect her? This is like beating my head against a wall and reliving what it has been like to be her daughter. Seems like a tall order.

As for moving away from your parents, isn't that what we want to encourage our children to do? Move away (if they want) and follow their own path/dreams? As the parent of adult children, I believe it is on me to move near my kids as I age if I expect to have their help. I have offered to move my parents close to me, and they have said no - literally calling me selfish for suggesting it.

So where do I go from here? I'm going to detach a little and wait for a crisis. Then I will solve it like the bulldozer I apparently am.

[Anonymous]

Another thing you can try is hiring an aging care professional to work with her-check on her every few months, eventually every month then every week to assess need and hire out accordingly. It helps to remove you from the equation. These people are trained to talk to the elderly in a way that feels empowering and they can assess need. Also, too often our elders feel entitled to treat us poorly and take advantage. When it's a paid professional they shape up or they fire the person.

You try all sorts of things and then if she is determined to make self-destructive decisions and is cognitively able you let it go and can have some peace if her decisions lead to her own suffering because she did what SHE wanted.

[Anonymous]

Sometime you have to let people live with their decisions. We've been round and round with my ILs who should not be still living at home. They refused all kinds of help and their quality of life is quite sad for no good reason. We finally decided that if this is how they want to live their life then fine.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. My parents are in CA too, and their kids are on the east coast. They think they have a plan for aging independently, but it has glaring gaps that they're only just recognizing now as the health problems hit. They're increasingly lonely as their friends move to be near family (or expire) but think it's my job to move back home. No advice for you, only sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people have to actually go through a really difficult period before they are willing to accept reality.

This may seem kinda morbid, OP, but my MIl had a whole struggle with her own mother over this stuff. And grand-MIL never gave an inch. Then one day, while she was still handling things pretty well on her own, she lay down for a nap and died. So none of the things MIL stressed so much about ever actually happened.

So the take away is don’t nap if you’re old.

The grand mil was so fortunate to die on her own terms, living independently until the god called her. This is the most dignified way to go. The best.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you mostly want commiseration that your mom won’t listen to you OP. And that’s fine. But I think your happiness will improve if you move toward just accepting the situation. There is no benefit to fretting about how things should be and wallowing in disappointment that your mom isn’t different than who she is. As people age many revert to stubborn refusal to see reality, kind of like a small child. Circle of life. You might end up that way too when you’re old. It just is what it is in a highly mobile society where kids leave the nest and multigenerational living isn’t common. Don’t deny reality, like your mom. Just accept it. What should you *actually* do about this? Ask her if she’s open to suggestions of ways she could prepare for a good next stage of life. Presumably she’ll say no thanks. You keep saving money in a rainy day fund for the day when you’ll need to drop everything and help her through an emergency. It’s going to happen. Your husband may even have to make sacrifices because of this. Better to be prepared. The day might come when you have enough evidence to go before a judge and become her legal guardian. Then you can unilaterally do whatever you think is best for her. Until that day, you can only let her make her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My practical advice is to start small. If she’s not use to help, get her a weekly cleaning service. That may turn into more frequent helpers-with shopping, cooking, help around the house. But since healthy people have cleaners too, it can be a start.

Then, when you can visit, start touring assisted living options, just to see them. Also start working on organizing important documents or cleaning one room of the house. Each trip have one specific goal. Anything you can do to prepare will help later.

Ugh. That’s the thing. Even the two items you mention involve trips across the country. This poor woman is going to spend $1000 to get on 1-2 flights to clean a room for a weekend and probably get scolded. And then repeat it how many times and how often? Every month for a year?

The last thing I want to do after working all week is to go straight to the airport, fly across the country, get in a rental car
at midnight and clean/get yelled at for a weekend and then go straight back to work on Monday.

I agree with this - I know I have a moral obligation to help my aging parents, but when my mom refuses to take any advice, makes bad choices, fails to face reality, then things go badly and she expects me to swoop in and clean it up? And then calls me a bulldozer for trying to help her solve obvious problems? And implies I don't respect her? This is like beating my head against a wall and reliving what it has been like to be her daughter. Seems like a tall order.

As for moving away from your parents, isn't that what we want to encourage our children to do? Move away (if they want) and follow their own path/dreams? As the parent of adult children, I believe it is on me to move near my kids as I age if I expect to have their help. I have offered to move my parents close to me, and they have said no - literally calling me selfish for suggesting it.

So where do I go from here? I'm going to detach a little and wait for a crisis. Then I will solve it like the bulldozer I apparently am.

This is me, almost verbatim. Except the word I get is bossy. Fine, stay in your house with the steep stairs in a rural location. Enjoy

[Anonymous]

i let my parents live in their unsuitable house until things came to a head with worsening dementia. The local agency on aging/adult protective services got called by neighbors, they were taken in for an evaluation, and the state decided they couldn't live on their own anymore.

once extracted from their house, it took me six months to get rid of the worst of the hoarding and put it on the market. closed in 40 days, and then I relocated them to a better private pay facility close to me. dad's passed, and i have enough proceeds left to cover mom for another year before I have to move her to a medicaid facility.

believe me, i tried to get them to understand that they needed to downsize before the dementia got too bad, but there was no convincing them. they had to do it the hard way.