When parents are across the country

[Anonymous]

How do you keep your own life intact when your parents are across the country and the sh-t starts to hit the fan?

I need practical advice and maybe commiseration. It’s just my mom left and she’s refused for years to leave her house in a faraway part of the country for either something smaller, senior housing, or something near me. She’s apparently hidden health problems for years and now it’s all blown up. She has a huge house that’s in ok repair but too out of date to put on the market easily, and she needs to get out due to the health problems. I don’t think she can be completely on her own but she isn’t quite in assisted living territory Somehow I need to convince her to move here or move somewhere close to her, but she’s refused for years so it will be a fire drill. Her plan was apparently that I would permanently move back and help her.

Either way, I literally do not have time for this. For many years I asked her to put together a plan for relocation or downsizing and gave her clear times of year and time spans when I would be able to easily fly out to assist her. Now is NOT one of those time- my DH’s career has current priority in terms of his travel and on-call times, so I am primarily responsible for our child + my job. I refuse to sacrifice my kid’s school life and extracurriculars by uprooting her temporarily and am not in a position to hire a nanny for months on end so I can temporarily live out of state to deal with my mom’s mess. I have a sibling, but don’t expect any help from them.

I read about all of these families that put together a plan an executed it with mild disruption and argument. What do you do about your obligations to your nuclear family when your parents stick you with out-of-state messes?

[Anonymous]

My mother was similar - only wanted help on her terms. Refused to help us help her. It was a little better because dad was with her, but he was exhausted by her antics and couldn’t help much as he was old too. She ended up dying basically alone, refusing to get help and with my dad kind of being about of it and not realizing she was about to go.
Do I feel bad about it? Not really. I am sad it had to be that way, but she brought it on herself. My dad is much more cooperative and has agreed to move closer to us.
But the bottom line is: some people self sabotage and there is little you can do. Even if you moved to be with her, she would refuse all the sensible offers and demand you do what she tells you to do even if it didn’t make sense to you or to most people.
You need to decide how much help you can give without ruining your own life and stick to it. Don’t let guilt consume you because it’s not your fault your mother is making life hard for herself and for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you keep your own life intact when your parents are across the country and the sh-t starts to hit the fan?

I need practical advice and maybe commiseration. It’s just my mom left and she’s refused for years to leave her house in a faraway part of the country for either something smaller, senior housing, or something near me. She’s apparently hidden health problems for years and now it’s all blown up. She has a huge house that’s in ok repair but too out of date to put on the market easily, and she needs to get out due to the health problems. I don’t think she can be completely on her own but she isn’t quite in assisted living territory Somehow I need to convince her to move here or move somewhere close to her, but she’s refused for years so it will be a fire drill. Her plan was apparently that I would permanently move back and help her.

Either way, I literally do not have time for this. For many years I asked her to put together a plan for relocation or downsizing and gave her clear times of year and time spans when I would be able to easily fly out to assist her. Now is NOT one of those time- my DH’s career has current priority in terms of his travel and on-call times, so I am primarily responsible for our child + my job. I refuse to sacrifice my kid’s school life and extracurriculars by uprooting her temporarily and am not in a position to hire a nanny for months on end so I can temporarily live out of state to deal with my mom’s mess. I have a sibling, but don’t expect any help from them.

I read about all of these families that put together a plan an executed it with mild disruption and argument. What do you do about your obligations to your nuclear family when your parents stick you with out-of-state messes?

Quite a long post to complain about your mother. Instead of spending so much of your energy complaining, why not focus on actually doing something to help? You realize that someday you will be old too, right? And when that time comes you might not want to leave everything behind that you ever knew either? Why did you make the decision to move so far away from your mother anyway? Some of your problems seem self-inflicted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was similar - only wanted help on her terms. Refused to help us help her. It was a little better because dad was with her, but he was exhausted by her antics and couldn’t help much as he was old too. She ended up dying basically alone, refusing to get help and with my dad kind of being about of it and not realizing she was about to go.
Do I feel bad about it? Not really. I am sad it had to be that way, but she brought it on herself. My dad is much more cooperative and has agreed to move closer to us.
But the bottom line is: some people self sabotage and there is little you can do. Even if you moved to be with her, she would refuse all the sensible offers and demand you do what she tells you to do even if it didn’t make sense to you or to most people.
You need to decide how much help you can give without ruining your own life and stick to it. Don’t let guilt consume you because it’s not your fault your mother is making life hard for herself and for you.

+1 My DH went through something similar with his parents. He tried to help, flew out several times, gave advice but his mother was adamant in her ways. Then COVID hit, both of his parents health deteriorated and they eventually had to do what my DH told them but in much tougher circumstances and alot of lost money. He just had to step away at a certain point and focus on his own life.

[Anonymous]

Your mom's failure to plan is a plan that will fail. Unfortunately, you have to let it fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom's failure to plan is a plan that will fail. Unfortunately, you have to let it fail.

Yup.

Let her rot in her home and die there. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

We could help my parents in the best possible way because my parents were super reasonable and they could let us help them.

We could not help our ILs in the best possible way and so all we could do was get expensive caretakers and arrange for other resources in their home. They left behind a mess and it is hard for my DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you keep your own life intact when your parents are across the country and the sh-t starts to hit the fan?

I need practical advice and maybe commiseration. It’s just my mom left and she’s refused for years to leave her house in a faraway part of the country for either something smaller, senior housing, or something near me. She’s apparently hidden health problems for years and now it’s all blown up. She has a huge house that’s in ok repair but too out of date to put on the market easily, and she needs to get out due to the health problems. I don’t think she can be completely on her own but she isn’t quite in assisted living territory Somehow I need to convince her to move here or move somewhere close to her, but she’s refused for years so it will be a fire drill. Her plan was apparently that I would permanently move back and help her.

Either way, I literally do not have time for this. For many years I asked her to put together a plan for relocation or downsizing and gave her clear times of year and time spans when I would be able to easily fly out to assist her. Now is NOT one of those time- my DH’s career has current priority in terms of his travel and on-call times, so I am primarily responsible for our child + my job. I refuse to sacrifice my kid’s school life and extracurriculars by uprooting her temporarily and am not in a position to hire a nanny for months on end so I can temporarily live out of state to deal with my mom’s mess. I have a sibling, but don’t expect any help from them.

I read about all of these families that put together a plan an executed it with mild disruption and argument. What do you do about your obligations to your nuclear family when your parents stick you with out-of-state messes?

Quite a long post to complain about your mother. Instead of spending so much of your energy complaining, why not focus on actually doing something to help? You realize that someday you will be old too, right? And when that time comes you might not want to leave everything behind that you ever knew either? Why did you make the decision to move so far away from your mother anyway? Some of your problems seem self-inflicted.

She can stay where I grew up, but she can’t stay in that house where she has made no plans or provisions for her own safety and well-being, and she knows it and says so. But she also refuses to do anything short of having me live with her, which is not an acceptable plan. I moved far away because that is what you do when you want an education and a good career and grow up in Stockton, CA, thank you very much.

I love mean-spirited people who were born to kind parents who raised them in cities with great education and career opportunities who jump on here to judge people in different situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom's failure to plan is a plan that will fail. Unfortunately, you have to let it fail.

I know. But the fall will trigger an amount of work, travel and mess for me that is truly awful to anticipate.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes an idea can grow on the parent. For years my parent refused our help. Turns out they were afraid to burden us. Now we are included in the emergency plan. However they want to retire where they are which is far away from us, and are in a similar dilemma as you, OP. Our young kids enjoy their schools here, they have family and friends here, it’s a good job market for DH here, and to uproot everything because of my parents’ inflexibility seems unfair to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes an idea can grow on the parent. For years my parent refused our help. Turns out they were afraid to burden us. Now we are included in the emergency plan. However they want to retire where they are which is far away from us, and are in a similar dilemma as you, OP. Our young kids enjoy their schools here, they have family and friends here, it’s a good job market for DH here, and to uproot everything because of my parents’ inflexibility seems unfair to us.

In case someone is assuming we moved away from my parents, when they retired, they chose to retire in a place where they have no relatives. So this problem was not of our making.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that your mother is causing you to feel guilt, OP, through no fault of your own.

I have such a mother. She is a self-sabotaging person and has been since I can remember.

So when the time comes that she needs my help... I will do my best to help her within my capabilities, and try not to feel guilty about doing more. I will not risk my sanity or financial independence to be at her beck and call, because I've seen my father turn into her slave, and I moved away to avoid becoming a slave too.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people have to actually go through a really difficult period before they are willing to accept reality.

This may seem kinda morbid, OP, but my MIl had a whole struggle with her own mother over this stuff. And grand-MIL never gave an inch. Then one day, while she was still handling things pretty well on her own, she lay down for a nap and died. So none of the things MIL stressed so much about ever actually happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people have to actually go through a really difficult period before they are willing to accept reality.

This may seem kinda morbid, OP, but my MIl had a whole struggle with her own mother over this stuff. And grand-MIL never gave an inch. Then one day, while she was still handling things pretty well on her own, she lay down for a nap and died. So none of the things MIL stressed so much about ever actually happened.

So the take away is don’t nap if you’re old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people have to actually go through a really difficult period before they are willing to accept reality.

This may seem kinda morbid, OP, but my MIl had a whole struggle with her own mother over this stuff. And grand-MIL never gave an inch. Then one day, while she was still handling things pretty well on her own, she lay down for a nap and died. So none of the things MIL stressed so much about ever actually happened.

So the take away is don’t nap if you’re old.

Yes, that — or, if you are struggling with an aging parent who won’t plan and listen to reason, encourage napping.