How to tell parents we don’t wish to travel with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going to Disney sounds awful.

Wait, are you OP's Mom? You sound like the type that can ruin just about any vacation.

[Anonymous]

Be honest without being unkind.

"We're planning a trip to Disney again next year, and this time we want it to be just the four of us. We definitely want to do another vacation with you -- I was thinking a cabin on a lake? What do you think?"

I think they'll be relieved, OP.

[Anonymous]

Beyond just the Disney trips, anytime your parents invite themselves to your vacation, it's okay to say, we're doing this trip with our little family. Let's plan a visit to Longwood Garden that you've mentioned before.

[Anonymous]

Tell them you are meeting other families there so it will be chaotic and your kids will be running with friends and won’t have the focus on spending time with them. Ask them to help you brainstorm a different activity/vacation for your family to do with them. It will also be a great chance to suggest something more low key since (dramatic!) oh that other trip will be so hectic that I really need a relaxing vacation to look forward to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am almost 70 and going to Disney sounds like a horrible exercise in torture to me. Are you sure they actually want to go there? Maybe they just like spending time with you. Tell them you are planning a week somewhere else with just them, like a cabin on a lake, where the big excitement will be going into town to get an ice cream cone or watching a movie together.

After you tell them about this wonderful vacation then mention that you are also taking the kids to Disney another week but it will just be your little family this time. If they say they want to go, just say no.

Problem is the parents seem to expect full participation. And are not willing to let that go. Lake/mountain activities would be as big a problem. And no scooters to sit them on. Parents could also fly in for 50% of the trip and do the meet for some meals, some pool/lazy river sits, and scooter over to Epcot.

One relative by marriage asked us if we can walk the airport. Answer is yes and it was a weird question.

[Anonymous]

I’d go somewhere else. There’s no kind way to break this off if you continue to go there. Skip it this one time and by the next time you are ready to go it won’t be thing anymore to vacation with them.

[Anonymous]

Do not lie about it. You'll have to ask your kids to lie, which isn't a good thing. Beside teaching them to lie, you're teaching them how to treat you when you get old. It will be incredibly difficult to keep this secret (kids, especially) and your parents will be very hurt that you lied and excluded them. (Check the thread about 'family excluding you from vacation' or something like that on this site.)

Have an honest conversation now because their situation isn't going to change and will continue to deteriorate. Tell them you plan to go to Disney and what (extremely busy) activities you're planning on. If they ask to come, be clear that you will be focused on the kids and may not be able to help them all the time. If they insist, plan a few things they're capable of and then go your own way. If they complain, tell them you're sorry, but you can't bring kids to Disney and then expect them to do minimal activities. Be clear that you're concerned about their well-being. And if they say they can just rent scooters or keep up, let it happen and don't fix it for them.

I know this sounds harsh, but stick with it because you're working on future behavior. Nothing will magically change unless something tragic happens or you change your behavior.

And if all this sounds undoable, maybe choose a different vacation like a resort that has activities at various levels and meet up every day for breakfast/late afternoon swim/dinner.

Good luck, OP. Life transitions aren't always easy even when they're for the best.

[Anonymous]

Why are they making everyone miserable?! I'd start with that.

If they're too slow or need breaks- tell them you'll meet back up later and they should rest at the coffee shop.

We love traveling with my parents because they sit with the baby so that the rest of us can go on better rides. They wait in line for food while we ride rides. They always grab good seats for fireworks that we normally can't get to because we're too busy. They have a leisurely breakfast while the rest of us are at rope drop at 7am. And as a bonus, we put the kids to bed and then go out partying. They don't really have to do anything, they just are in the hotel room suite sleeping (we get a 3 bedroom) so my kids have someone present.

My mom has mobility problems so I foresee a scooter in our future, but even that sounds appealing (a kid could skip the line with her on rides!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to do a Disney trip every time? It's easier to break tradition if you fully break it, vs just excluding them .

Yeah, branch out OP. There are lot of fun places to visit outside of Disney!

[Anonymous]

I would change things completely and go somewhere else, so it won't feel like they are being excluded from the tradition they created. Go somewhere else with them for a shorter time that will be more doable for all of you.

Basically, create a new tradition with them, and also create something new with just your immediate family. There are plenty of other places to go besides Disney, and it doesn't mean you can't go back to Disney in a year or two, once you have decoupled the "tradition."

[Anonymous]

My guess is that the problem is the denial, not the Disney. In recent years we traveled with one set of 80-something grands who are in denial about their limitations and therefore we had to constantly be worrying about them because they would absolve do things that put themselves at risk (e.g., grandfather has balance issues and his right arm is essentially useless due to severe arthritis in his elbow, but he would walk up the slippery steps on the side with railing near his right arm and get mad if we tried to hold on to him on the left or in any way suggested that he is a fall risk (which he absolutely is).

This meant that we either had to limit the entire family to activities that the elders could safely participate in without breaks or support (they would NEVER agree to use a scooter, for example), or do what we liked and then constantly worry that any activity would cause them life-altering injury.

We also did a separate trip with grands on the other side who basically said “we have no interest in keeping up with the kids” so they joined for only some parts of the of the trip. They are not early risers so we’d get up and out and go do something active before the day got too hot, then they’d meet us for a more mellow activity like a show or aquarium tour or lazy river, then we’d all do lunch together. Then they would go back to their room and rest and meet us for dinner all dressed up, then we’d put the kids to bed all together and DH and I would go have drinks and dessert or see a show or something and they would keep the monitor (adjoining room next to our suite).

[Anonymous]

Serious question: if you go to Disney every year, doesn't it get old? I know there's a lot to do, but after you've been on Space Mountain or the Seven Dwarves Mine Train 15 times, is it still magical? It's a big world out there--maybe it's time to grow up and branch out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would change things completely and go somewhere else, so it won't feel like they are being excluded from the tradition they created. Go somewhere else with them for a shorter time that will be more doable for all of you.

Basically, create a new tradition with them, and also create something new with just your immediate family. There are plenty of other places to go besides Disney, and it doesn't mean you can't go back to Disney in a year or two, once you have decoupled the "tradition."

OH hell no. They ‘ve invited themselves along for years and have been making everyone miserable but it their tradition that they established?? NO JUST NO.

I have a miserable older relative who constantly tries to invite herself or worm her way in and then the following year declare its a tradition. Bullsh$*t.

OP go to Disney if that’s what you enjoy or go somewhere else if you prefer. Just tell them that this year you are just traveling with your family. You don’t owe them an extra vacation. You don’t have to find an alternative place to accommodate their miserableness. Stop the crazy and just go have a nice boomer free vacation.

[Anonymous]

My solution would be to just not go to Disney and go somewhere else, but that's because going to Disney every other year sounds like torture to me. Yes, I have kids. Yes, we've done Disney.

[Anonymous]

Do you really want to go there again? If you do, then plan without guilt. I went once and swore I would never return. It would be easiest to change locations.

My parents wanted us all to go to an all inclusive resort this summer. Was firm and direct and said no. They pouted and complained. I told them it would not be relaxing or fun for me and I would worry the entire time between them and the kids now getting older (teens) means more trouble. You can tell your parents the same. Remain firm and plan an alternative visit or something simple and fun with them.