Etiquette question

[Anonymous]

And why ask if you can bring the gift - just go drop it off

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone who's lost both parents in the last few years, please allow me to give this perspective:

-Grieving for my mom's death was physically draining. I would barely have the bandwidth to deal with all the logistics and arrangements. I'm ashamed to say that I let a lot of messages go unanswered. It was what it was--I was barely keeping my head above water. Your sending the gift to the wrong address and asking about it would add to my stress.
-Her not responding for days is completely normal.
-Her lashing out at you was uncalled for.
-You didn't do anything to make life easier for her during an extremely difficult time. Did you send a meal? Offer to do grocery run? Offer any practical help? This is not a normal time for social interactions; you needed to step up, but instead created more work for her. You asked for info about the service, but didn't go to support her. Then you sent the card and gift to the wrong address--together these incidents paint you as flaky at best and thoughtless at worst.

I think both of you behaved in a less than ideal manners. We don't know her side, but since you're the one writing, I'm offering my perspective and hope you can gain some understanding of where she's coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who's lost both parents in the last few years, please allow me to give this perspective:

-Grieving for my mom's death was physically draining. I would barely have the bandwidth to deal with all the logistics and arrangements. I'm ashamed to say that I let a lot of messages go unanswered. It was what it was--I was barely keeping my head above water. Your sending the gift to the wrong address and asking about it would add to my stress.
-Her not responding for days is completely normal.
-Her lashing out at you was uncalled for.
-You didn't do anything to make life easier for her during an extremely difficult time. Did you send a meal? Offer to do grocery run? Offer any practical help? This is not a normal time for social interactions; you needed to step up, but instead created more work for her. You asked for info about the service, but didn't go to support her. Then you sent the card and gift to the wrong address--together these incidents paint you as flaky at best and thoughtless at worst.

I think both of you behaved in a less than ideal manners. We don't know her side, but since you're the one writing, I'm offering my perspective and hope you can gain some understanding of where she's coming from.

Thanks for this perspective and I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess I just have/had a completely different idea of what is expected of people during times of loss. It would not have occurred to me to offer 'practical' help given our relationship just isn't that close and I guess I know she has a ton of family in the area. And you're right, I was flaky when I sent the gift/card because I put my dog down that day and my mind was definitely somewhere else. I asked for the service because I was trying to figure out how to make it, but couldn't. I guess I just feel there are different ways people respond and I could have never known that she would have cared so much if I was there or not. I mean, I found out on social media.

But I will take this all into consideration going forward, so thank you.

[Anonymous]

I had a question for you OP - when you saw the details of the service on social media, had you responded on that that you would be attending, then you didn’t show up & did not let her know ahead of time?

That is the only situation where I could see how she could be reasonably upset.

However like another person stated, your friend likely just lashed out as this is likely a very difficult time for her.
Losing a parent can be one of life’s most traumatic losses and your friend’s emotions may just be very raw right now.

I would back off for now.
Let her know she will be in your thoughts and that if she ever needs to talk, you will be just a phone call away.

Then leave the ball in her court.

So sorry this happened to you - hopefully things can be resolved in the future. 😃

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as someone who's lost both parents in the last few years, please allow me to give this perspective:

-Grieving for my mom's death was physically draining. I would barely have the bandwidth to deal with all the logistics and arrangements. I'm ashamed to say that I let a lot of messages go unanswered. It was what it was--I was barely keeping my head above water. Your sending the gift to the wrong address and asking about it would add to my stress.
-Her not responding for days is completely normal.
-Her lashing out at you was uncalled for.
-You didn't do anything to make life easier for her during an extremely difficult time. Did you send a meal? Offer to do grocery run? Offer any practical help? This is not a normal time for social interactions; you needed to step up, but instead created more work for her. You asked for info about the service, but didn't go to support her. Then you sent the card and gift to the wrong address--together these incidents paint you as flaky at best and thoughtless at worst.

I think both of you behaved in a less than ideal manners. We don't know her side, but since you're the one writing, I'm offering my perspective and hope you can gain some understanding of where she's coming from.

Thanks for this perspective and I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess I just have/had a completely different idea of what is expected of people during times of loss. It would not have occurred to me to offer 'practical' help given our relationship just isn't that close and I guess I know she has a ton of family in the area. And you're right, I was flaky when I sent the gift/card because I put my dog down that day and my mind was definitely somewhere else. I asked for the service because I was trying to figure out how to make it, but couldn't. I guess I just feel there are different ways people respond and I could have never known that she would have cared so much if I was there or not. I mean, I found out on social media.

But I will take this all into consideration going forward, so thank you.

So sorry about your dog OP and it sounds like you both have suffered a huge loss.

Good on you for being open-minded re: the situation because not everyone is.

[Anonymous]

you never text about a death. you don't email. you pick up the phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a question for you OP - when you saw the details of the service on social media, had you responded on that that you would be attending, then you didn’t show up & did not let her know ahead of time?

That is the only situation where I could see how she could be reasonably upset.

However like another person stated, your friend likely just lashed out as this is likely a very difficult time for her.
Losing a parent can be one of life’s most traumatic losses and your friend’s emotions may just be very raw right now.

I would back off for now.
Let her know she will be in your thoughts and that if she ever needs to talk, you will be just a phone call away.

Then leave the ball in her court.

So sorry this happened to you - hopefully things can be resolved in the future. 😃

OP here -Thanks for your response.

Re: your question, I didn’t say I was going or could make it. I just asked in a text if there would be one and she responded the information would be on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you never text about a death. you don't email. you pick up the phone

It’s sort of surprising to me that calling would be preferred just because from my perspective, fielding phone calls when you’re in that delicate time of planning, mourning, visiting with family, etc would be so stressful. I actually thought texting was a better way so she could read and respond when it was a good time for her. When I was having a mental health episode due to grieving the last thing I wanted was phone calls.

[Anonymous]

You made it about yourself. Your need to feel helpful, to drop off some gift to make up for not attending the funeral, to feel like you're doing enough. Leave the poor woman alone.

[Anonymous]

Some of the responses here are completely over the top and clearly are being posted by folks looking to stir the shit and make OP feel bad just for the fun of it.

We don’t know how close the two women are. If they weren’t that close, what OP did was fine and what the friend did was uncalled for but forgivable given the state that she’s in.

If I were OP, I do nothing more for now, just wait a few weeks or so then drop her another text and ask how she’s doing. I suspect the friend will apologize, an apology that OP should gracefully accept and respond that it’s not necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the responses here are completely over the top and clearly are being posted by folks looking to stir the shit and make OP feel bad just for the fun of it.

We don’t know how close the two women are. If they weren’t that close, what OP did was fine and what the friend did was uncalled for but forgivable given the state that she’s in.

If I were OP, I do nothing more for now, just wait a few weeks or so then drop her another text and ask how she’s doing. I suspect the friend will apologize, an apology that OP should gracefully accept and respond that it’s not necessary.

This. Some of these responses are completely ridiculous. This is not a super close friendship. OP did more than enough. I’d give it time and just let her reaction go; she’s grieving. But you were more than fine, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I would not want a bunch of phone calls if my parent just died. That would annoy me to no end. A text is much better because you can respond whenever suits you. No one wants their phone blown up with calls when they are stressed and busy.

Obviously we don’t have your friend’s side of the story, but it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong, OP.

[Anonymous]

When my mom died nobody called me. I had a couple of calls with my sibling and dad to work out logistics but in general it was an outrageously lonely time.

[Anonymous]

So when I think about how I would feel as your friend, here’s what I would think.

You didn’t show at the service, so you are showing me you are not that close of a friend. (Which is fine.)

But then you want me to schedule a time for you to meet up somewhere/come over to give me a candle you sent elsewhere last wk. Now it feels a little like you are just doing this for you, not for me. I’ve just gone through all of the planning of the services, possibly months before that of care, and possibly lots ahead with executor/carrying out final wishes etc while I just want to take a nap - and now I have to set a time to pick up this candle & assure you that no, it’s all good that you didn’t come, you didn’t get the address right, whatever. Here’s the point where it feels not great.

So she’s overreacting, but also, this was not ideal. If like you have said you are not all that close, don’t bother her about the gift. Let it go. Send her a card if you would like & leave it at that.

Learning for the future if you have other friends’ parents pass - go if you can. If you are close, see what else they need. If not, don’t text about making them meet up after the service for something- they are exhausted from all of the other demands, don’t be another one.

[Anonymous]

In the future, it helps to talk to a person one step away from the tragedy. I usually call a sister-in-law or a best friend. They reach out to the grieving person on behalf of everyone and find out if she needs space/food/company/babysitting/whatever.