Etiquette question

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who's parent passed recently. I found out on social media and reached out to offer sympathy and asked about a service. She responded that details would be posted on social media. I saw the details and tried to go but couldn't end up making it, it was about an hour away. I texted to let her know how sorry I was to miss and that I was thinking of her but no response. Then, I texted about a sympathy gift I sent that was mailed to the wrong address and asked if I could bring it to her. No response for like 5 days. Finally, she responds with a text message about how she's a better friend and I am not a good friend and that other people drove hours and hours to come to the service and essentially that I am a terrible friend and person because I didn't go. We are not best friends and I never met/knew her mom. Am I off here? I feel so blind sided by the accusations and definitely was not expecting it.

[Anonymous]

She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

Thanks for your perspective, I hear this. I’ll give space.

I’m not sure what more I could have done other than go but I couldn’t, I had to work. I did send a card but it was with the gift. This was like within the last two weeks or so. And I guess given that I found out online I guess I’m just confused at the expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

Thanks for your perspective, I hear this. I’ll give space.

I’m not sure what more I could have done other than go but I couldn’t, I had to work. I did send a card but it was with the gift. This was like within the last two weeks or so. And I guess given that I found out online I guess I’m just confused at the expectation.

You could have CALLED her. You could have GONE to SEE her in PERSON on the weekend. You could go THIS weekend. Just because the funeral is over doesn't mean your friend is finished being sad that her mother died.

[Anonymous]

You are not off and I wouldwrite her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

Thanks for your perspective, I hear this. I’ll give space.

I’m not sure what more I could have done other than go but I couldn’t, I had to work. I did send a card but it was with the gift. This was like within the last two weeks or so. And I guess given that I found out online I guess I’m just confused at the expectation.

You could have CALLED her. You could have GONE to SEE her in PERSON on the weekend. You could go THIS weekend. Just because the funeral is over doesn't mean your friend is finished being sad that her mother died.

Ok, I guess I could have called but I'm definitely more comfortable texting. And I asked if I could personally bring the gift to her but she never responded until days later with the lash.

I'm not trying to defend or justify, I'm just pointing out to be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

Thanks for your perspective, I hear this. I’ll give space.

I’m not sure what more I could have done other than go but I couldn’t, I had to work. I did send a card but it was with the gift. This was like within the last two weeks or so. And I guess given that I found out online I guess I’m just confused at the expectation.

You could have CALLED her. You could have GONE to SEE her in PERSON on the weekend. You could go THIS weekend. Just because the funeral is over doesn't mean your friend is finished being sad that her mother died.

Ok, I guess I could have called but I'm definitely more comfortable texting. And I asked if I could personally bring the gift to her but she never responded until days later with the lash. I'm not trying to defend or justify, I'm just pointing out to be clear.

When you say you're more comfortable texting you ARE trying to defend or justify. This is your friend's mother's death. It's not about YOU. When a friend is going through something, you go out of your way for them. You do things like going to a viewing, which are not comfortable for most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's hurting and she lashed out. Don't take that personally. I'd give her space for several months.

Just as an FYI, a funeral or memorial service is not for the dead so the fact that you didn't know her mom is irrelevant. It's for those in mourning - you'd have been going to support your living friend who was mourning her mother.

Also, going forward keep in mind that all you did is text a few times. You didn't send a card, you didn't get food to her (you screwed up the address or whatever), you didn't show up. You just texted a few times. I did that much for a coworker I don't like.

Agree with this. By asking about services she may have thought that meant you were coming. You texted her several times during the most stressful time for her and she probably didn’t have the time or patience to answer your questions or cater to your schedule. It’s not that you were necessarily in the wrong. You just brought her additional stress instead of support and friendship during a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not take this too much to heart. Yes, you could have done more, but I bet you did more than the vast majority of people. When my dad passed away very few of my friends came to the service, and it was local for them. I got over it.

I recommend noting the date her mom passed and sending flowers on the anniversary of that date, or for mother's day, or some other milestone date in the future. That is, if you still want to be friends then. Honestly, grieving is harder when the people who surround you at the services move on with their lives.

[Anonymous]

OP, people are at their worst in a crisis. Likely. give it 2 months and reach out again. If that doesn't work, give it 6 months. But when you contact her, have a reason, something other than to just say -again- how sorry you are. See her. Actual face time is important.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're making this an etiquette question? That seems strange in a way. If you're close to this person, you know them, you talk to them. You share. You cry together. "Etiquette" just sounds cold - like you want to check-a-box.

[Anonymous]

She’s angry and taking it out on you. I’m sure there are others who offended her. Space for now.

[Anonymous]

What is a "sympathy gift"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is a "sympathy gift"?

I didn't want to send flowers or food because I thought she'd have a lot so I sent a candle and a card with a message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're making this an etiquette question? That seems strange in a way. If you're close to this person, you know them, you talk to them. You share. You cry together. "Etiquette" just sounds cold - like you want to check-a-box.

You're right, it's not the best way to put it. I didn't know how else to title it. Since it's not like a best friend or a close family friend, I was trying to gauge what a typical response would be. This is not someone I would cry about or share memories with.