DC thinks grandma doesn’t like them

[Anonymous]

Explain that nobody likes everybody the same, I'm sure your kid can relate to that in their own life and relationships. Tell the kid not to worry about it too much and just enjoy what they can with the grandparent. Tell them that's how we handle such situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you just trying to be private or is the child identifying as trans or NB? That would seem to me to be an explanation, however unjustified, of the grandma's discomfort. That would be a bigger conversation.

Where did that come from?

There is some fool who mentions this in a variety of threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you just trying to be private or is the child identifying as trans or NB? That would seem to me to be an explanation, however unjustified, of the grandma's discomfort. That would be a bigger conversation.

Privacy

[Anonymous]

I think I'd try to validate the kids' feeling without confirming it. Because you don't really know how she feels. You could say "ah, that doesn't feel good does it?" or "do you want to talk about what makes you feel that way?"

And then after they get their thoughts out, I think i'd say some version of "compare and despair." If they want a closer relationship with grandma, you can talk about ways they can reach out to her (letters, email, facetime, invitations to different things). But the feeling of someone getting "more" than you is different from the feeling of wanting "more" from the giver, if that makes sense. I guess I'd try to find out if they want more with grandma or if they're just noticing a disparity and feeling slighted.

[Anonymous]

Is your child gender fluid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I'd try to validate the kids' feeling without confirming it. Because you don't really know how she feels. You could say "ah, that doesn't feel good does it?" or "do you want to talk about what makes you feel that way?"

And then after they get their thoughts out, I think i'd say some version of "compare and despair." If they want a closer relationship with grandma, you can talk about ways they can reach out to her (letters, email, facetime, invitations to different things). But the feeling of someone getting "more" than you is different from the feeling of wanting "more" from the giver, if that makes sense. I guess I'd try to find out if they want more with grandma or if they're just noticing a disparity and feeling slighted.

Op here. Thank you, for the thoughtful response. I think DC used to want more time with Grandma, but it's probably transitioning more into noticing the disparity and unsure of why this is happening. I've generally been saying what you suggested saying, but it hasn't really gotten us anywhere because DC just keeps giving (very valid) examples. And then it seems like DC just spirals if that makes sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get to the root of it - what is DC noticing that makes him feel that way and what can you do with your mom to address that? If it can't be fixed then at least validate DC's feelings and find ways to explain that will ease the sting

This. Telling an 8-year-old that Grandma likes Mikey better is its own special form of abuse. It almost comes off as manipulative--hey, join me in hating on Grandma. An 8-year-old can't process this, they can't put it into perspective without taking the dislike onto themselves.

It's not gaslighting to defer this while you try to work on Grandma. Ask DC what bothers them specifically, and take that back to Grandma. We went on a family vacation when DD was 12 and MIL gave her a dress, and 3-4 dresses to her other grandchild their cousin. Yeah, it was her daughter's child and she was present at the birth, but still there's no excuse for this. I sent DH straight to him mom to point this out. It never happened again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get to the root of it - what is DC noticing that makes him feel that way and what can you do with your mom to address that? If it can't be fixed then at least validate DC's feelings and find ways to explain that will ease the sting

This. Telling an 8-year-old that Grandma likes Mikey better is its own special form of abuse. It almost comes off as manipulative--hey, join me in hating on Grandma. An 8-year-old can't process this, they can't put it into perspective without taking the dislike onto themselves.

It's not gaslighting to defer this while you try to work on Grandma. Ask DC what bothers them specifically, and take that back to Grandma. We went on a family vacation when DD was 12 and MIL gave her a dress, and 3-4 dresses to her other grandchild their cousin. Yeah, it was her daughter's child and she was present at the birth, but still there's no excuse for this. I sent DH straight to him mom to point this out. It never happened again.

* and it wasn't even the cousin's birthday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a ton of back story here, but short version is DC8 thinks grandma doesn’t like them and prefers their cousin. I agree at least with the preference part. There’s a lot DC isn’t aware of that would validate their feelings in regards to preference. I of course would not share that with DC, though I hope my mom does actually like DC. This has been brought up a few times over the last year or two. I try to have a neutral response and really hear what they are saying and not just dismiss it like “oh you’re being silly” (because I don’t think they are) but I’m kind of at a loss on how to address this. I have brought it up to my mom and she does dismiss it as “ridiculous”. We have cut way back on time together, so more wondering how best to respond to DC.

Focus on the positive interactions. No need to compare.

Maybe less joined time with the cousins.

Maybe more one on one with grandma.

People mix differently. Many objective and subjective reasons why some people get more along than others.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it's obvious enough that the 8 year old picks it up (not just the 'not liking' but the comparison to whatever cousin...) you should have already nipped this in the bud and don't leave them alone together.

I wouldn't gaslight- would agree that grandma is prickly like a cactus and shrug like 'yep she's weird' and leave it at that. Just explain that it's why you don't hang out with her a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your child gender fluid?

Stop trying to make gender fluid happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a ton of back story here, but short version is DC8 thinks grandma doesn’t like them and prefers their cousin. I agree at least with the preference part. There’s a lot DC isn’t aware of that would validate their feelings in regards to preference. I of course would not share that with DC, though I hope my mom does actually like DC. This has been brought up a few times over the last year or two. I try to have a neutral response and really hear what they are saying and not just dismiss it like “oh you’re being silly” (because I don’t think they are) but I’m kind of at a loss on how to address this. I have brought it up to my mom and she does dismiss it as “ridiculous”. We have cut way back on time together, so more wondering how best to respond to DC.

Focus on the positive interactions. No need to compare.

Maybe less joined time with the cousins.

Maybe more one on one with grandma.

People mix differently. Many objective and subjective reasons why some people get more along than others.

This will sound a bit weird, but I discuss what kind of 'grandpas' my two boys will be when they grow up when they discuss their uninvolved grandmother vs. super-involved grandparents. I ask them which they think they will be like. It addresses the issue more hypothetically without focusing on the hurtful behaviors.

[Anonymous]

This is such a common occurrence in so many households. I mean c’mon in many it’s parents preferring one kid over another - not just grandparents. Ignore it OP. Don’t add to the drama.