DC thinks grandma doesn’t like them

[Anonymous]

There’s a ton of back story here, but short version is DC8 thinks grandma doesn’t like them and prefers their cousin. I agree at least with the preference part. There’s a lot DC isn’t aware of that would validate their feelings in regards to preference. I of course would not share that with DC, though I hope my mom does actually like DC. This has been brought up a few times over the last year or two. I try to have a neutral response and really hear what they are saying and not just dismiss it like “oh you’re being silly” (because I don’t think they are) but I’m kind of at a loss on how to address this. I have brought it up to my mom and she does dismiss it as “ridiculous”. We have cut way back on time together, so more wondering how best to respond to DC.

[Anonymous]

You need to confirm his feeling. If you don't, you're basically gaslighting him. "Yeah, Grandma likes girls better" or "Yeah, Grandma feels closer to Mikey and treats him better; I don't know why. I've talked to her about how she treats you two differently and she dismisses me. I'm sorry she does that - if I were your grandma, I'd be THRILLED to have you as my grandson!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to confirm his feeling. If you don't, you're basically gaslighting him. "Yeah, Grandma likes girls better" or "Yeah, Grandma feels closer to Mikey and treats him better; I don't know why. I've talked to her about how she treats you two differently and she dismisses me. I'm sorry she does that - if I were your grandma, I'd be THRILLED to have you as my grandson!"

Ha ha yea. Do that to your 8 year old!

[Anonymous]

At 8 I would keep doing what you’re doing. Dismiss it as normal with whatever excuse you need. They will realize when they’re older who the favorite is. No need to point it out sooner.

My kids are late teens and young adults. They fully knew who the favorite was and we never said a word.

[Anonymous]

I brought this up to my parents around that age, maybe 7? One set of my grandparents would only visit us once a year. They wouldn't sleep over - they'd stay maybe three hours. They never even wanted to see my room or play any games or come to my recitals or anything. And my parents just kind of said yeah some people have favorites, and they're those types of people, and we're not their favorites. They told me to focus on the people who DID want to be around me. It was no big deal - it helped me enjoy those three-hour dinners once a year for what they were and not be upset there wasn't anymore.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe that the sarcastic “is the cousin a better kid” post got deleted, but the one suggesting that you not gaslight the kid was not. That is such terrible advice for an eight-year-old that I thought it too was sarcastic. Are you telling me it isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to confirm his feeling. If you don't, you're basically gaslighting him. "Yeah, Grandma likes girls better" or "Yeah, Grandma feels closer to Mikey and treats him better; I don't know why. I've talked to her about how she treats you two differently and she dismisses me. I'm sorry she does that - if I were your grandma, I'd be THRILLED to have you as my grandson!"

Ha ha yea. Do that to your 8 year old!

DP
I did this to my own children. This is good advice because the kids understand more than you think. My kids are older now, they're very well adjusted.

OP- your mom wont change. Limit exposure tell your kids the backstory when they're older. Make sure you don't repeat your parents' mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Get to the root of it - what is DC noticing that makes him feel that way and what can you do with your mom to address that? If it can't be fixed then at least validate DC's feelings and find ways to explain that will ease the sting

[Anonymous]

The issue is that your child has a problem with the preference. I was not my grandparents' favorite grandchild, and my kids are not my MIL's favorite grandkids (although they are my parents' ONLY grandkids). But I did not mind: I am mixed race and lived far away from my grandparents, who had to adjust. And my kids don't mind: my MIL dotes on her first grandkid because she had to care for him as a newborn and my kids were born when she was already frail and chronically ill with Parkinson's.

So your job, as I see it, is to accept the situation, and have your child work his way to accepting that people have favorites and preferences. It doesn't mean his Grandma actively dislikes him. But clearly if he's uncomfortable by the different treatments, then you need to stop exposing him to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe that the sarcastic “is the cousin a better kid” post got deleted, but the one suggesting that you not gaslight the kid was not. That is such terrible advice for an eight-year-old that I thought it too was sarcastic. Are you telling me it isn’t?

Never lie to your kid. They will get confused because you are asking them to not believe their eyes and ears. Very dangerous precedent you're setting here, PP! You've got to validate the part that's true (Grandma does seem to get on better with the cousin), explain possible reasons why (she lives closer, for example), and you must reiterate that this is no big deal, because your kid has X and Y good qualities and you love them very much, and here are all these relatives and friends who also love you very much and want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to confirm his feeling. If you don't, you're basically gaslighting him. "Yeah, Grandma likes girls better" or "Yeah, Grandma feels closer to Mikey and treats him better; I don't know why. I've talked to her about how she treats you two differently and she dismisses me. I'm sorry she does that - if I were your grandma, I'd be THRILLED to have you as my grandson!"

Are you crazy? This would be confirmation that she hates her child.

[Anonymous]

Are you just trying to be private or is the child identifying as trans or NB? That would seem to me to be an explanation, however unjustified, of the grandma's discomfort. That would be a bigger conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you just trying to be private or is the child identifying as trans or NB? That would seem to me to be an explanation, however unjustified, of the grandma's discomfort. That would be a bigger conversation.

Where did that come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe that the sarcastic “is the cousin a better kid” post got deleted, but the one suggesting that you not gaslight the kid was not. That is such terrible advice for an eight-year-old that I thought it too was sarcastic. Are you telling me it isn’t?

Never lie to your kid. They will get confused because you are asking them to not believe their eyes and ears. Very dangerous precedent you're setting here, PP! You've got to validate the part that's true (Grandma does seem to get on better with the cousin), explain possible reasons why (she lives closer, for example), and you must reiterate that this is no big deal, because your kid has X and Y good qualities and you love them very much, and here are all these relatives and friends who also love you very much and want to spend time with you.

Agree with this for reason to trust their own eyes and ears. At that age they are old enough to hear you say you asked your mom and she said she loves them all (so they hear that), but then quickly say how your kids feels is how they feel no matter what others are saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you just trying to be private or is the child identifying as trans or NB? That would seem to me to be an explanation, however unjustified, of the grandma's discomfort. That would be a bigger conversation.

Where did that come from?

The OP uses they/them/their and refers to DC not DD or DS. That made me think the child uses those pronouns in real life and maybe grandma is uncomfortable and the child is picking up on that.