Can a promiscuous man change his ways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love one and no, i don’t think he will change. His options will shrink as he ages but he’s a risk taking entrepreneur trying to squeeze the last drop of everything in life. I have had so much fun with him and learned a lot, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

The key here is that he’s honest about it to himself and others, and that he’s not a thoughtless, selfish person.

And I’m somehow not possessive of him one iota even though I have been jealous on occasion in other relationships.

OP here. Are you married to him?

[Anonymous]

Is promiscuity part of his outsized bonhomie? Is he very social and charismatic? What exactly do you mean by promiscuous? Has he mentioned numerous girlfriends or told you his number? Does he abuse substances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love one and no, i don’t think he will change. His options will shrink as he ages but he’s a risk taking entrepreneur trying to squeeze the last drop of everything in life. I have had so much fun with him and learned a lot, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

The key here is that he’s honest about it to himself and others, and that he’s not a thoughtless, selfish person.

And I’m somehow not possessive of him one iota even though I have been jealous on occasion in other relationships.

OP here. Are you married to him?

No. I describe our relationship as 20 years of one night stands. 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is promiscuity part of his outsized bonhomie? Is he very social and charismatic? What exactly do you mean by promiscuous? Has he mentioned numerous girlfriends or told you his number? Does he abuse substances?

I thought this was a dirty joke at first . But I’ve never pondered promiscuity as an effect of “outsized bonhomie” before. Interesting!

To answer the question, I do think that yes a promiscuous man can change. Many times it takes meeting a woman who is his moral superior to inspire that change. But it would have to be of his own volition. And it would take incredible strength of will/character to overcome the bad habits of a life lived loosely. Not impossible, but very difficult.

[Anonymous]

A leopard doesn't change its spots, lol.

But seriously -- I think it is possible. Possible, but not likely.

You have a better chance if he's older (sex drive really does decrease for most), or if he's spent his life hooking up with 6's and 7's and you are a 10. Otherwise, I wouldn't risk it unless you are willing to put up with his extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

My best friend slept with over 500 woman before getting married. He has been married 18 years and never cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was that guy. By any definition- the player who slept with well over 100 girls from 16-27. But, when I decided I wanted to change and settle down to have a family, I found my one and never looked back. 15 years later and can honestly say I never cheated. Just ask him - is he truly ready to change? And hope he’s being honest. Also, if sex is important to him (and it probably is since he sounds high drive) then be sure you are willing to keep it a part of your relationship.

But now, 15 years later: There'smuch more incredibly easy, fast access to sex partners on dating apps, and so many different dating apps to use than there were just 15 years ago. There's just so much opportunity out there for anyone (man or woman) who is the least bit inclined to sleep around, cheat on a committed partner, have just one fling or a string of affairs, etc. Even someone who has decided to settle down now has a vast trove of potential sex partners at his or her fingertips if they feel the tiniest itch. Not saying you'd do that, PP, just noting that it gets easier and easier, seemingly with each passing year, to find sex partners and that doesn't bode well if OP wants to settle down with a man who is strongly inclined to have a lot of partners.

THIS!!! 100% this. Know too many even non-players that availed themselves of this in midlife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Is promiscuity part of his outsized bonhomie? Is he very social and charismatic? What exactly do you mean by promiscuous? Has he mentioned numerous girlfriends or told you his number? Does he abuse substances?

I thought this was a dirty joke at first . But I’ve never pondered promiscuity as an effect of “outsized bonhomie” before. Interesting!

To answer the question, I do think that yes a promiscuous man can change. Many times it takes meeting a woman who is his moral superior to inspire that change. But it would have to be of his own volition. And it would take incredible strength of will/character to overcome the bad habits of a life lived loosely. Not impossible, but very difficult.

If it’s a learned coping skill and he saw a parent cheat- good luck with that the first time the marriage hits a rough patch…and when the stress of kids come along… no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love one and no, i don’t think he will change. His options will shrink as he ages but he’s a risk taking entrepreneur trying to squeeze the last drop of everything in life. I have had so much fun with him and learned a lot, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

The key here is that he’s honest about it to himself and others, and that he’s not a thoughtless, selfish person.

And I’m somehow not possessive of him one iota even though I have been jealous on occasion in other relationships.

OP here. Are you married to him?

No. I describe our relationship as 20 years of one night stands. 😂

Let me guess- one or both of you is married

[Anonymous]

Can and will are two very different things.

People are creatures of habit, and even when motivated change can be hard. My mother always told me to never marry a man thinking you could change him, but to be sure that you can live with him the way he is. If he changes for the better (which can happen), that’s a bonus. Building your life based on hope for someone else to change, however, is a very shaky foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can and will are two very different things.

People are creatures of habit, and even when motivated change can be hard. My mother always told me to never marry a man thinking you could change him, but to be sure that you can live with him the way he is. If he changes for the better (which can happen), that’s a bonus. Building your life based on hope for someone else to change, however, is a very shaky foundation.

This has always been standard advice.

[Anonymous]

I hope you aren't newly married, OP. If so, run for the hills.

You may be optimistic about Camilla - "To all the side chicks, just BELIEVE!" I trust you are no Camilla and it's only a matter of time before he gets the itch.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but he'll be in his sixties, and he'd probably still cheat on occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love one and no, i don’t think he will change. His options will shrink as he ages but he’s a risk taking entrepreneur trying to squeeze the last drop of everything in life. I have had so much fun with him and learned a lot, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

The key here is that he’s honest about it to himself and others, and that he’s not a thoughtless, selfish person.

And I’m somehow not possessive of him one iota even though I have been jealous on occasion in other relationships.

OP here. Are you married to him?

No. I describe our relationship as 20 years of one night stands. 😂

I have a relationship sort of like this. We met 21 years ago and had a torrid affair. We always seem to find our way back to each other. We'll go a year or two without communicating at all, then we'll run into each other and spend a week together, then after six months we'll connect for a night, then three years later we'll spend a month together, and on and on. I've never wanted to marry him though. He'd make a terrible husband, even if he could keep it in his pants.

[Anonymous]

If all of his friends are players and cheat on their wives, it’s unlikely. Who you hang with says a lot about you and your values. My exH didn’t cheat until year 18, but had been hearing his buddies’ stories of infidelity and use of dating apps that whole time until he decided in midlife to try it too. He used one of them as an alibi even. One of them even met one of the dude chicks. You never would have believed it from the outside and how he acted with family.