What recourse do I have with a defiant sixteen year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have a phone?
Where is he getting money?

OP here. Yes, he has a phone. I thought about cutting that off too, but then I have no way of tracking him. And trust me, that won't stop him from leaving.

He has another parent, who finally agreed to stop giving him money, and he does have a part time job.

I don’t know about this. So what if you can’t track him? I think he’s counting on you worrying about this and therefore not taking the phone. That’s HIS lifeline. We all grew without our parents being able to track us. Sure, maybe he’ll still leave. But it will be much harder for him.

If you’re really that desperate, you’d play that card. You don’t need to announce it. Just shut it off.

[Anonymous]

Are you locked in a power struggle right now, and all he feels from you is anger and disappointment? Have you articulated for him exactly why you don't want him out at all hours, and why he needs to check with you when doing things?

Because I would sit him down and say that you love him, and all you want is for him to be happy and independent. But that long-term happiness sometimes means short-term sacrifices.

First, the plan is that he goes to college, and he won't be able to go if he has bad grades - no college will want him, and community college is not fun. Can he sustain an acceptable GPA and a few extra-curriculars with his current lifestyle?

Second, long-term happiness also means precautions against fatal accidents and criminal acts. Statistics indicate that injuries and fatalities associated with assault, drinking, drugs and driving increase at night. So can he keep himself safe? Can he keep others safe as well? Does he know that he can call you at anytime if he finds himself in an unsafe situation and you will come get him? Is he aware that nowadays taking pills is playing Russian roulette because some of them are laced with lethal amount of fentanyl? Does he remember that he needs explicit consent to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone else?

This is a hard conversation to have, but it needs to happen. Most of all, he needs to feel that your prior antagonism was actually motivated by concern for his safety and future career, not by a purely spiteful, authoritarian, knee-jerk reflex.

And then he will make his decisions. You're right, he gets to decide what sort of life he wants to have, and he can decide to throw it all away. Your job is to persuade and convince. I wouldn't take his phone away for safety reasons. If you believe he has ADHD, which might make his impulse control and judgement poorer than usual, or other disorders, then you can try to get him an evaluation and treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re to blame, OP. A broken home is never good. You should have stayed with his father.

Idiot

[Anonymous]

OP, can he stay with the other parent for awhile?

[Anonymous]

Is this new behavior? If so, what has changed in his life recently?

How is he doing in school? What do you think he's doing with his friends (drugs? Drinking? Or just hanging out?)

How was your relationship with him before this behavior began? What conversations have you had with him about mental health?

Do you ever have the opportunity to do something fun with him, just the two of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you locked in a power struggle right now, and all he feels from you is anger and disappointment? Have you articulated for him exactly why you don't want him out at all hours, and why he needs to check with you when doing things?

Because I would sit him down and say that you love him, and all you want is for him to be happy and independent. But that long-term happiness sometimes means short-term sacrifices.

First, the plan is that he goes to college, and he won't be able to go if he has bad grades - no college will want him, and community college is not fun. Can he sustain an acceptable GPA and a few extra-curriculars with his current lifestyle?

Second, long-term happiness also means precautions against fatal accidents and criminal acts. Statistics indicate that injuries and fatalities associated with assault, drinking, drugs and driving increase at night. So can he keep himself safe? Can he keep others safe as well? Does he know that he can call you at anytime if he finds himself in an unsafe situation and you will come get him? Is he aware that nowadays taking pills is playing Russian roulette because some of them are laced with lethal amount of fentanyl? Does he remember that he needs explicit consent to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone else?

This is a hard conversation to have, but it needs to happen. Most of all, he needs to feel that your prior antagonism was actually motivated by concern for his safety and future career, not by a purely spiteful, authoritarian, knee-jerk reflex.

And then he will make his decisions. You're right, he gets to decide what sort of life he wants to have, and he can decide to throw it all away. Your job is to persuade and convince. I wouldn't take his phone away for safety reasons. If you believe he has ADHD, which might make his impulse control and judgement poorer than usual, or other disorders, then you can try to get him an evaluation and treatment.

Get real! He's 16 and doesn't give a tinkler's dam. This will go in one ear and out the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can he stay with the other parent for awhile?

Yes, at minimum, we've started splitting the time equally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, can he stay with the other parent for awhile?

Yes, at minimum, we've started splitting the time equally

Can you let him stay there full time, at least for the summer? Would ex agree?

[Anonymous]

Agree talk to a therapist. Are you worried about mental health or drugs? That changes the situation.

With our defiant kid, demanding authoritarian parenting did not work at all. Just lead to more power struggles. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree talk to a therapist. Are you worried about mental health or drugs? That changes the situation.

With our defiant kid, demanding authoritarian parenting did not work at all. Just lead to more power struggles. Good luck!!

Kids actually do need clear and consistent healthy boundaries. Consistently is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you locked in a power struggle right now, and all he feels from you is anger and disappointment? Have you articulated for him exactly why you don't want him out at all hours, and why he needs to check with you when doing things?

Because I would sit him down and say that you love him, and all you want is for him to be happy and independent. But that long-term happiness sometimes means short-term sacrifices.

First, the plan is that he goes to college, and he won't be able to go if he has bad grades - no college will want him, and community college is not fun. Can he sustain an acceptable GPA and a few extra-curriculars with his current lifestyle?

Second, long-term happiness also means precautions against fatal accidents and criminal acts. Statistics indicate that injuries and fatalities associated with assault, drinking, drugs and driving increase at night. So can he keep himself safe? Can he keep others safe as well? Does he know that he can call you at anytime if he finds himself in an unsafe situation and you will come get him? Is he aware that nowadays taking pills is playing Russian roulette because some of them are laced with lethal amount of fentanyl? Does he remember that he needs explicit consent to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone else?

This is a hard conversation to have, but it needs to happen. Most of all, he needs to feel that your prior antagonism was actually motivated by concern for his safety and future career, not by a purely spiteful, authoritarian, knee-jerk reflex.

And then he will make his decisions. You're right, he gets to decide what sort of life he wants to have, and he can decide to throw it all away. Your job is to persuade and convince. I wouldn't take his phone away for safety reasons. If you believe he has ADHD, which might make his impulse control and judgement poorer than usual, or other disorders, then you can try to get him an evaluation and treatment.

Get real! He's 16 and doesn't give a tinkler's dam. This will go in one ear and out the other.

That whole response looks like it was AI generated. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

https://www.alzstore.com/gps-smart-sole-p/2026.htm

Get shoe trackers. Then you can cut off his phone and still know where he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.alzstore.com/gps-smart-sole-p/2026.htm

Get shoe trackers. Then you can cut off his phone and still know where he is.

That looks like a helpful product for Alzheimer's but I'm afraid a 16 year old will be tipped off by the logo on the sole which makes it clear it's a tracking device.

OP, I suggest you and his father sit him down and give him a pointed ultimatum: Either he stops this b.s. or you will find a residential home for him. He is old enough to be fully aware of consequences, so if he ignores you go ahead and proceed with finding placement for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ask him if he wants to be emancipated? Maybe he does.

OP here. He won't do it on his own. He knows the law is on his side, and ultimately we are still responsible regardless of what he does.

Well, he's right in that way...but you get to control what 'home' is like for him. He needs a bed to sleep in, however, his room does not need a door if he cannot be respectful to you. You don't need working internet for him to use. He needs food, but doesn't need his preferred, varied food. He doesn't need streaming services to watch. What he needs to do is earn these things by following rules and showing respect.

I'd lower the boom on him.

[Anonymous]

I would take him to a therapist to see if he is bipolar. My nephew started with this behavior when he was 16 and he was diagnosed as bipolar and put on meds immediately.