Reply to What recourse do I have with a defiant sixteen year old?

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Reply to "What recourse do I have with a defiant sixteen year old?"

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[quote=Anonymous]Are you locked in a power struggle right now, and all he feels from you is anger and disappointment? Have you articulated for him exactly why you don't want him out at all hours, and why he needs to check with you when doing things?

Because I would sit him down and say that you love him, and all you want is for him to be happy and independent. But that long-term happiness sometimes means short-term sacrifices.

First, the plan is that he goes to college, and he won't be able to go if he has bad grades - no college will want him, and community college is not fun. Can he sustain an acceptable GPA and a few extra-curriculars with his current lifestyle?

Second, long-term happiness also means precautions against fatal accidents and criminal acts. Statistics indicate that injuries and fatalities associated with assault, drinking, drugs and driving increase at night. So can he keep himself safe? Can he keep others safe as well? Does he know that he can call you at anytime if he finds himself in an unsafe situation and you will come get him? Is he aware that nowadays taking pills is playing Russian roulette because some of them are laced with lethal amount of fentanyl? Does he remember that he needs explicit consent to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone else?

This is a hard conversation to have, but it needs to happen. Most of all, he needs to feel that your prior antagonism was actually motivated by concern for his safety and future career, not by a purely spiteful, authoritarian, knee-jerk reflex.

And then he will make his decisions. You're right, he gets to decide what sort of life he wants to have, and he can decide to throw it all away. Your job is to persuade and convince. I wouldn't take his phone away for safety reasons. If you believe he has ADHD, which might make his impulse control and judgement poorer than usual, or other disorders, then you can try to get him an evaluation and treatment.[/quote]

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