When is it too late to make mom friends?

[Anonymous]

I think the better solution for you, OP, is to try to make neighborhood friends. I think it's easier to find things in common with people if you take your kids out of the mix. We're moving this summer, too, and I am really hoping that we'll be able to get to know our neighbors. I think many of our neighbors are empty nesters or parents of teens, so they won't have similarly aged children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Basically I want to become good friends with the moms of my kid's friends. I want us to meet up on our own sometimes but also do family hang outs on the weekends with the kids, BBQs, pizza nights, game nights, dinners out, etc.

I'm fine with drop off playdates and we definitely do those, but honestly I would prefer that playdates be non-drop off playdates where the mom stays, just like in the toddler and preschool years. I loved those kind of playdates where I would have 2 hours to get to know another mom. I want to get to know the other moms and become friends, but they don't really seem that interested, since we have never hung out just ladies only.

Yes, I am very lonely on the weekends. With a spouse who works most weekends, no local family and no family friends, it's just me and my child hanging out together every weekend, or going to their sports, etc. and that gets lonely for me. My kid doesn't want to spend that much time with just me--they would rather be hanging out with a friend, not just hanging out with me. None of their friends does the same sports as they do or even lives anywhere close by so they don't go to the same swim class, etc., so that's not an option for them to spend time with friends through sports or weekend activities.

I made mom friends this year by joining the PTA and spending a lot of time at school activities. My mom friends don't necessarily have kids the same age as mine, but they're all in ES.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's possible. I think you can help increase your odds by widening your net a bit. As a PP mentioned, you could volunteer with the PTA and find friends that way. Their kids may not be the same age or gender as yours, but that's OK. Honestly if you hinge it all on your kid being BFFs with someone, what happens if they drift apart?

In 2nd grade there was a new girl in my daughter's class. She joined my girl scout troop and her mom initiated hanging out. She and I are close friends, our husbands are close friends, and our daughters are close friends. COVID happened that year and they changed schools, but our relationship/s have survived all of that. The girls had another BFF with a troubled family, and our friends did not pursue a similar kind of relationship with them. Just because your kids are best friends doesn't mean you'll get along as a family. Just keep an open mind and come up with a few potential people you'd like to get to know better and then invite them over for a BBQ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Basically I want to become good friends with the moms of my kid's friends. I want us to meet up on our own sometimes but also do family hang outs on the weekends with the kids, BBQs, pizza nights, game nights, dinners out, etc.

I'm fine with drop off playdates and we definitely do those, but honestly I would prefer that playdates be non-drop off playdates where the mom stays, just like in the toddler and preschool years. I loved those kind of playdates where I would have 2 hours to get to know another mom. I want to get to know the other moms and become friends, but they don't really seem that interested, since we have never hung out just ladies only.

Yes, I am very lonely on the weekends. With a spouse who works most weekends, no local family and no family friends, it's just me and my child hanging out together every weekend, or going to their sports, etc. and that gets lonely for me. My kid doesn't want to spend that much time with just me--they would rather be hanging out with a friend, not just hanging out with me. None of their friends does the same sports as they do or even lives anywhere close by so they don't go to the same swim class, etc., so that's not an option for them to spend time with friends through sports or weekend activities.

If you are in the DMV area it will be tough. So many people have their kids involved in weekend activities- especially sports or dance that it makes Saturday tough. And lots of people set aside that time for family - they may have their parents or in-laws in the area (Sunday dinners) or it’s time both parents have off from work so they don’t want to socialize with other families outside of organized activities.

Echo suggestions for PTA or being a co-leader in Girl Scout/Boy Scouts or volunteering as swim parent etc. This might help with mom friends. Family friends where kids all get along and everyone vacation together might be a higher bar besides everyone needing to get along with their counterparts - kid friendships change a lot, couples don’t always stay together, and vacationing together is different from socializing for a few hours. I’ve seen the family friends/vacation together start more from close neighborhood friendships. But even with that as kids get older they probably prefer to be able to invite their best friends at the time to vacation with their family versus family vacation where parents are friends and they aren’t tight with the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Don’t make your kids friends parents the focus if your friend search. So many moms I know got burned by this when the kids had a falling out and it became awkward and uncomfortable among the adults. I will say I have a few close mom friends whose kids and mine played together when they were little, then the kids drifted, THEN we became friends later on.

[Anonymous]

When my kiddo was going into 5th grade, we moved, and I was able to make two mom friends at her school. She is going into 8th grade now, and I am still friends with one of them. The "playdates" at that age were not drop off and also often happened online, but the moms and I still made an effort to get to know each other.

Friendships with other parents that happen organically, because you are involved in the same stuff whether it's PTA or sports or whatever, are the best kind. I had a solid group of mom friends when my older kiddo was in daycare and preschool but they mostly have scattered by now. Making friends appropriate to your developmental stage now is as appropriate as it's ever been!

[Anonymous]

I think it’s possible and you are not too late. However, my kids are in HS and I would strongly encourage you to keep lots of emotional space between you and the parents of your children’s friends. Situations get complicated as your kids get older and you need to be focused on your kids full stop, without your own stuff getting in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the better solution for you, OP, is to try to make neighborhood friends. I think it's easier to find things in common with people if you take your kids out of the mix. We're moving this summer, too, and I am really hoping that we'll be able to get to know our neighbors. I think many of our neighbors are empty nesters or parents of teens, so they won't have similarly aged children.

+1. You need to be really open minded about what friends look like. Our neighbors that are grandparents are some of our closest friends.

[Anonymous]

Not too late. My mom’s close friend group started forming when I was in 3rd grade. She decided to lead my Girl Scout troop, and eventually a subgroup of the moms from the troop, plus some of their neighbors, made a mother/daughter book club. Eventually that became a book club for just the moms, as kids’ friendships and interests changed. They’ve been friends now for 25 years!

[Anonymous]

Do you have only one child?

I find it harder to line up all the kids when kids get older. We moved with a toddler, second grader and fourth grader. My older kids made many friends at their new elementary school but every single play date was drop off. A play date invitation is no longer a mom and child invitation.

My kids were/are in Scouts and this is where we spent time with other parents frequently. I know my DH got along with other dads during Cub Scout camping trips and outings. I’m friendly/friends with some Scout parents even after they stopped doing scouts. My daughter is still on Girl Scouts and I am friends with other moms.

The reason I say it is hard to line up kids is that another family may not want to hang out with you if only one of their kids is having a good time. They may have a toddler or middle school student as well. It isn’t like when kids are young where the parents can hang and all the kids can go play in the play room.

We know lots of families from sports, pool, chess club, science olympiad, orchestra, band, field trips, birthday parties and all the times we have seen one another over the years. Except one family where both parents click with other parents, we don’t hang out as a family with any other families the way you want. We do sit together at the pool, carpool and we probably look very friendly if you saw us because we are.

That being said, I have made a few new friends this year from my kids’ schools. None of the kids are friends. I will have lunch or dinner with moms but kids are not included.

[Anonymous]

The moms in my element are all paired up. It’s ruff out there.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. My youngest is now in kindergarten. I find that I don’t necessarily click with the moms of my child’s closest friends. For example, it is really painful to talk to one mom and she always tries to stay at my house. I have 2 other kids and things to do. If I liked the mom, I would want to hang out but 5 min is plenty for me. One mom I have beceoke friends with but she has twin boys my daughter’s age and her boys hang out with other boys.

[Anonymous]

The moms I like have kids my kid does not, and the mother of my child’s bestie drives me up the wall.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it is too late to make friends but it is late to make “mom friends”. What you are looking usually ends in kindergarten or first grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moms I like have kids my kid does not, and the mother of my child’s bestie drives me up the wall.

I really hope my daughter is not in the same class as her bestie so I don’t have to deal with her mom. She is so hyper competitive and such a striver. It turns me off so much.