When is it too late to make mom friends?

[Anonymous]

My kid is rising a 3rd grader. We are switching schools for this school year and will stay at this school going forward, and I would really like to make some mom friends there. What I mean by mom friends is I want friends that I can meet up with on the weekend with the kids for a whole family meetup, or vacation together, who become family friends. We have no family friends or any local family, and that makes weekends feel lonely, especially if I can't schedule any playdate for my kid and since my husband works a lot of weekends.

I made mom friends when my child was a toddler/preschooler and Kindergartner, but these friends either moved away or we grew apart as the kids went to different schools so I really don't have any mom friends anymore. Playdates have all been dropoff mainly, and for whatever reason the moms of my kid's friends and I have not become friends.

I'd love to find mom friends that also become my real friends, but it seems like this is a tall order for some reason, even though I usually have a lot in common with many moms and we have tons to talk about, for whatever reason we don't end up hanging out just ladies only or keeping in touch.

I've made friend through hobbies that I get together with just me and them, but on the weekends I'm spending time with my child, and they either don't have kids or have much older kids, so we don't meet up on the weekends usually (maybe for a Saturday night dinner or something once in awhile).

Is it too late to make mom friends since playdates are now mostly drop-off and we're out of the playgroup age range?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's too late. You can invite the moms to have coffee and pastries while the kids play for the first playdate since you are new. After that plan a couple outings that are not drop off and try to build a friendship from there.

I think many people are willing, but are busy and don't stop to plan. When I get together with my kid's friends parents we always enjoy ourselves and wonder why we don't do it more often.

[Anonymous]

Never too late

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can have mom friends. You can have them when your kid is any age! But you need to reconceive what it means. The baby/toddler/preschool mom friends or mom group are a specific thing and they usually don't last. I have only stayed in touch with two mom from my "new moms group" from years ago, and neither live in the neighborhood anymore so we don't see each other often, though I do consider one of them a reasonably close friend. But that's it. The other mom friends I have met outside of my kid. One through a barre class and the other because we used the same coworking space and discovered we both had young kids and had started our own businesses when we became moms. Those friendships are really, really important to me but our kids don't hang out or even go to school together (and are not in the same grade anyway). Our families do socialize sometimes, but mostly I just meet up with them a couple times a month (separately, they don't know each other well and it's not a group, these are two distinct friendships) and we are just friends. But we are also moms, and being moms is part of what helped us become friends.

Your social life is now independent from your kid's. It's actually great! Embrace it.

[Anonymous]

It’s never too late.

At this age, a lot of bonds build over sports. When you are sitting on the sidelines watching you connect with other parents.

It is like dating in that you have to be intentional about building the relationship and comfort levels between you and the other family.

[Anonymous]

I have never had “mom friends”; I don’t get it. I don’t want to be friends with someone just because they have kids my kids’ age.

I have a rising 3rd and 6th grader. No local family. Not lonely on weekends. I don’t understand now that is possible: I spend time with my kids. I work a lot so weekends are our time. Not with other people.

I am sure it is possible for you to find but I suspect a lot of people in this area feel like me. I think you would have an easier time with this in a more slow-paced area rather than the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for mom friends, or families with whom you can hang out on the weekend and also include your child? The latter is difficult as the kids get older. You've basically outgrown days of the kids playing while the parents hang out. When kids are young, you can throw a group of kids together and everyone has fun. Now, kids only want to socialize with their actual friends... not your friends who happen to have kids their age. Also as they get older, the kids don't want to be hanging on the fringes while the parents hang out. They want to do their own thing. Also, it sounds like you have an only. Doing something like what you sound like you want is exponentially harder when you have multiple kids as they get older. Maybe look for other families with onlies?

It's not too late to make mom friends. It's just that your social life and you child's are not as intertwined. This has actually been great for me and allowed me a little more freedom in choosing who my friends are, and I love it. I have several mom friends. However, I don't typically hang out with them during the day on the weekends (like I used to when the kids were young and it was easy to meet at a playground, etc.).

[Anonymous]

It’s never too late!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never had “mom friends”; I don’t get it. I don’t want to be friends with someone just because they have kids my kids’ age.

I have a rising 3rd and 6th grader. No local family. Not lonely on weekends. I don’t understand now that is possible: I spend time with my kids. I work a lot so weekends are our time. Not with other people.

I am sure it is possible for you to find but I suspect a lot of people in this area feel like me. I think you would have an easier time with this in a more slow-paced area rather than the DMV.

Do your kids play sports? My kids are the same ages and we spend most weekends at soccer games or swim meets. It works well that my friends also have kids playing sports so I’m spending the weekend with friend and with my kids. Win-win!

And OP, not too late at all. We moved when my oldest was entering second grade and now have a great group. It took a few years but now we are lucky enough to have friends that feel like family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never had “mom friends”; I don’t get it. I don’t want to be friends with someone just because they have kids my kids’ age.

I have a rising 3rd and 6th grader. No local family. Not lonely on weekends. I don’t understand now that is possible: I spend time with my kids. I work a lot so weekends are our time. Not with other people.

I am sure it is possible for you to find but I suspect a lot of people in this area feel like me. I think you would have an easier time with this in a more slow-paced area rather than the DMV.

+1

The vast majority of our socializing is with friends we made before kids. Some have kids, some don't. Our kids are not all the same age. We socialize the way people socialize with family -- you just get everyone together, the kids play together like cousins (doesn't matter if they are into the same stuff or the same age -- they just know these kids from years of exposure and find ways to play).

I had one friend who was a mom friend in the way you mean, where we met through our kids and our kids are friends and our families get together and everything matches up. She moved away! It happens.

Especially as kids get older, the idea of needing to be friends with the moms of the other kids at school and in activities really fades. I'm friendly with them, but not friends. I'd be reluctant to try and develop a friendship because I don't want it to impact my kid's school life or activities. I fully support my kid's friendships (play dates, birthday parties, lining up activities with specific friends, etc.) but I don't feel the need for our social lives to line up neatly.

[Anonymous]

By Kindergarten or else it's all too late.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your responses.

Basically I want to become good friends with the moms of my kid's friends. I want us to meet up on our own sometimes but also do family hang outs on the weekends with the kids, BBQs, pizza nights, game nights, dinners out, etc.

I'm fine with drop off playdates and we definitely do those, but honestly I would prefer that playdates be non-drop off playdates where the mom stays, just like in the toddler and preschool years. I loved those kind of playdates where I would have 2 hours to get to know another mom. I want to get to know the other moms and become friends, but they don't really seem that interested, since we have never hung out just ladies only.

Yes, I am very lonely on the weekends. With a spouse who works most weekends, no local family and no family friends, it's just me and my child hanging out together every weekend, or going to their sports, etc. and that gets lonely for me. My kid doesn't want to spend that much time with just me--they would rather be hanging out with a friend, not just hanging out with me. None of their friends does the same sports as they do or even lives anywhere close by so they don't go to the same swim class, etc., so that's not an option for them to spend time with friends through sports or weekend activities.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a tall order, but not impossible. I have a lot of “mom friends” but we mostly hang out independently from our kids. I am very close with the mom of one of my kid’s long time best friends, and my closest friend in the area has a child who is also very close with one of my children. Even with those situations, I am more likely to hang out with them independently from our kids and our kids hang out independently from us. A lot of it is people are juggling a lot, especially if they work and have a million other obligations.

The only people we vacation with are our long time friends of 20 plus years and their kids, just because they are like family - even stronger than family, actually.

I would say make an effort to make friends but don’t have super high expectations for what you are asking.

[Anonymous]

I think it's easier to make mom friends than family friends. With mom friends you only need to consider the friendship of two people, and you can hang out even if the kids are no longer friends. Family friends need to be a better fit across more people and more relationships. Do all of the parents get along? Do their views align on parenting? Travel? What happens when one kid starts snubbing the other at school?

[Anonymous]

I’m always open to new friends. It’s DC — most of my friends have left the country in the past 10 years. People come and go here, but we’re lifers. I love it here and always want new mom friends.