Splitting (people good/bad) and seeing loved ones as bad..How common with Alzheimers?

[Anonymous]

My mom is very much as you describe, OP. She loves to get attention from complete strangers, including hugs in public. It worries me that she seems so vulnerable. Her most favorite person is her cleaning lady. She says very mean things to family, neighbors and sometimes people like servers or other patrons in restaurants. She has been mean to grandchildren she used to love to spend time with.

She has always been extremely anxious and now it is expressed in pretty much daily lashing out at me and sibs. On some days one may be more in favor but we all get the brunt of her ire pretty regularly. It's very hard. My heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

Sigh, that was me for 6 hellish years. Love her to bits still, knowing that she was not the Mom who called me her Guru, and took her shopping to all her fun places…when she could no longer drive.

[Anonymous]

My mom is also like that. She has aphasia and has trouble communicating, especially when she is tired, anxious or frustrated which is most of the time. She’ll blame me, tell me she only has problems talking when I’m around (not true at all) and she can be nasty. She’s balled up her fists and me, she’s gotten in my face a screamed. She’s in assisted living but I’m her only person, my brother lives across the country and visits every year or two. I’ve had to set some firm boundaries. When I’m visiting her (twice a week week, every week) and she starts getting nasty I leave. It’s so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

as Alzheimers sets in

This is all that matters
My Father who adored his grandchildren - didn't recognize/was scared and was hostile to all his grandsons. Father demanded to see the manager at a restaurant and wanted these "hoodlums" removed. Teenagers Father had adored.

You deal with it. First of all: you do not expect rational behavior from someone who is irrational.

I remember this story from another thread and it makes me laugh and also breaks my heart! I hope the grandsons understood and had a sense of humor about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is very much as you describe, OP. She loves to get attention from complete strangers, including hugs in public. It worries me that she seems so vulnerable. Her most favorite person is her cleaning lady. She says very mean things to family, neighbors and sometimes people like servers or other patrons in restaurants. She has been mean to grandchildren she used to love to spend time with.

She has always been extremely anxious and now it is expressed in pretty much daily lashing out at me and sibs. On some days one may be more in favor but we all get the brunt of her ire pretty regularly. It's very hard. My heart goes out to you.

Yes! Cleaning lady is one of the people on the "good" list.The extreme anxiety and lashing out is just more than I can take these days. I used all the techniques and tried all the things and I just ran out of patience for it. I am almost robotic with her, wearing as much emotional armor as possible and I always have an excuse to get out of the line of fire.

I hate how one second things can seem under control and then a thought flits into her head and her whole demeanor changes and she is incensed at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh, that was me for 6 hellish years. Love her to bits still, knowing that she was not the Mom who called me her Guru, and took her shopping to all her fun places…when she could no longer drive.

It really is hellish. In my case she had some of these qualities in milder form, but I knew how to work around them and then they just exploded. No matter how many techniques I learned I just could not bring out a gentler side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is also like that. She has aphasia and has trouble communicating, especially when she is tired, anxious or frustrated which is most of the time. She’ll blame me, tell me she only has problems talking when I’m around (not true at all) and she can be nasty. She’s balled up her fists and me, she’s gotten in my face a screamed. She’s in assisted living but I’m her only person, my brother lives across the country and visits every year or two. I’ve had to set some firm boundaries. When I’m visiting her (twice a week week, every week) and she starts getting nasty I leave. It’s so hard.

I physically can no longer do this and I am impressed with how you can. My body cannot take anymore anger outbursts/blame/threats from her even if I leave as soon as it happens. I reached my limit.

[Anonymous]

I’m the black sheep in a family that has always revolved around the good/bad labeling. My mom’s behavior has always been difficult but has definitely gotten worse as she’s aged. She won’t see a specialist, doesn’t have a diagnosis (or treatment!), so we don’t know if it’s officially Alzheimer’s. Her filter, and judgment, certainly have gone, and I continue to get the brunt of it even though I’m not the “caregiver“ sibling. I can’t even spend time with her anymore - I just won’t do that to myself. It’s an easier decision to make because the behavior isn’t new - there’s no personality change, just a worsen of the behaviors. All of this is made worse by other family members who won’t acknowledge the problem - both the dysfunction of the labeling and judging of people and the need for some good evaluations and treatment now. They’ve just grown more enmeshed working harder to enable her to avoid upsetting her and getting the brunt of her anger. It all sucks, but all I can do is take care of myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is also like that. She has aphasia and has trouble communicating, especially when she is tired, anxious or frustrated which is most of the time. She’ll blame me, tell me she only has problems talking when I’m around (not true at all) and she can be nasty. She’s balled up her fists and me, she’s gotten in my face a screamed. She’s in assisted living but I’m her only person, my brother lives across the country and visits every year or two. I’ve had to set some firm boundaries. When I’m visiting her (twice a week week, every week) and she starts getting nasty I leave. It’s so hard.

I physically can no longer do this and I am impressed with how you can. My body cannot take anymore anger outbursts/blame/threats from her even if I leave as soon as it happens. I reached my limit.

I am asking this out of curiosity, not trying to be insensitive: If your mom gets so worked up when you visit, are the visits even good for her? I understand that showing up for her sends a message to her caregivers that you are keeping an eye on things, but the rest of it sounds like self-flagellation for you and stressful for her due to her response to you. Have you considered cutting way back on visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the black sheep in a family that has always revolved around the good/bad labeling. My mom’s behavior has always been difficult but has definitely gotten worse as she’s aged. She won’t see a specialist, doesn’t have a diagnosis (or treatment!), so we don’t know if it’s officially Alzheimer’s. Her filter, and judgment, certainly have gone, and I continue to get the brunt of it even though I’m not the “caregiver“ sibling. I can’t even spend time with her anymore - I just won’t do that to myself. It’s an easier decision to make because the behavior isn’t new - there’s no personality change, just a worsen of the behaviors. All of this is made worse by other family members who won’t acknowledge the problem - both the dysfunction of the labeling and judging of people and the need for some good evaluations and treatment now. They’ve just grown more enmeshed working harder to enable her to avoid upsetting her and getting the brunt of her anger. It all sucks, but all I can do is take care of myself.

We have very similar family dynamics. Thank you for posting this. I felt less alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is also like that. She has aphasia and has trouble communicating, especially when she is tired, anxious or frustrated which is most of the time. She’ll blame me, tell me she only has problems talking when I’m around (not true at all) and she can be nasty. She’s balled up her fists and me, she’s gotten in my face a screamed. She’s in assisted living but I’m her only person, my brother lives across the country and visits every year or two. I’ve had to set some firm boundaries. When I’m visiting her (twice a week week, every week) and she starts getting nasty I leave. It’s so hard.

I physically can no longer do this and I am impressed with how you can. My body cannot take anymore anger outbursts/blame/threats from her even if I leave as soon as it happens. I reached my limit.

I am asking this out of curiosity, not trying to be insensitive: If your mom gets so worked up when you visit, are the visits even good for her? I understand that showing up for her sends a message to her caregivers that you are keeping an eye on things, but the rest of it sounds like self-flagellation for you and stressful for her due to her response to you. Have you considered cutting way back on visits?

OP here. Thanks. I don't find this insensitive. I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the black sheep in a family that has always revolved around the good/bad labeling. My mom’s behavior has always been difficult but has definitely gotten worse as she’s aged. She won’t see a specialist, doesn’t have a diagnosis (or treatment!), so we don’t know if it’s officially Alzheimer’s. Her filter, and judgment, certainly have gone, and I continue to get the brunt of it even though I’m not the “caregiver“ sibling. I can’t even spend time with her anymore - I just won’t do that to myself. It’s an easier decision to make because the behavior isn’t new - there’s no personality change, just a worsen of the behaviors. All of this is made worse by other family members who won’t acknowledge the problem - both the dysfunction of the labeling and judging of people and the need for some good evaluations and treatment now. They’ve just grown more enmeshed working harder to enable her to avoid upsetting her and getting the brunt of her anger. It all sucks, but all I can do is take care of myself.

We have very similar family dynamics. Thank you for posting this. I felt less alone.

Same. I was the caregiver, but since have been completely cut off and disowned by my mom and the rest of my family. They won't acknowledge the problem, but rather enable and placate her. They are desperate to ensure they don't lose their piece of her considerable estate when she passes. It's heartbreaking and gross on so many levels.

[Anonymous]

This is amazing to read. My mother has always hated me but I got the sense she got older and couldn’t fake it anymore. I am in my 60’s and I’m still dealing with this garbage! My issue is that she lies and has accused my of stealing from her. I am sure she has other lies floating around out there. The problem is that my siblings believe her. I got nasty texts that were filled with seething hate.
I had to cut everyone off. It took me 66 years and cost me a lot of emotional and physical pain.
To everyone who is still exposing themselves to this behavior understand that you are paying a price. That price comes in the form of mental and physical consequences.
As I read these responses I think of how virtuous it is to stick around. I guess it’s a sense of duty or guilt.
I am comfortable walking away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t take people with Alzheimer’s behavior personally. They are no longer themselves.

The problem is some people become the worst versions of themselves. I just read about this. It's not always a personality change. It can be that they no longer censor their true thoughts and the better qualities fade. That is what some of us deal with. We remember this behavior growing up, but there were so many good memories to ease the pain.

This describes my mom. She's always been emotionally dysregulated. I'm a calm person - she tells me something and I respond in my usual manner. She gets right in my face and starts to scream at me, "you're so cold, you're like your father, he is the one that made me crazy". When my father recently passed away, she told me he owed "a lot of money to X,Y,Z." I was the representative to his estate so I asked those people if he owned them money to pay them back once I told his cars, house, etc. They told me he didn't owe them anything. It's difficult to tell if she's being manipulative or it's truly cognitive decline. When she's with me, she tells me how much my sister and her husband love each other and that unlike my DC, my niece does not struggle with mental illness because their marriage is good. My sister has a difficult marriage. When she's with my sister, she tells her how well I have done in my career and that she doesn't worry about me because I'm financially comfortable and have a pension when I retire. Seems to like you need a lot of cognitive function to be that cruel and manipulative. It's a very difficult situation because I'm not convince my mom's personality is due to dementia although she does have dementia because she has a difficult time remembering names, whether she's paid a particular bill, and will repeat things over and over.

[Anonymous]

Reading this thread is so sad. All these adult children dealing with their elderly abusive parents (even if it can be largely explained by dementia...).

It makes me think that maybe this is a down side of people living longer and longer lives.