Splitting (people good/bad) and seeing loved ones as bad..How common with Alzheimers?

[Anonymous]

Wondering how common this is. My mother did this mildly when we were growing up. She was mildly rigid in deciding who was "good" according and who was "bad," but she had input from my father, relatives and friends and could bend a little. Then by the time we were all young adults, she was able to have a more nuanced view of people having multiple strengths as well as qualities she didn't care for. We developed a nice friendship when I became an adult. Now as Alzheimers sets in she really into splitting. I became the BAD one because I noticed the signs the earliest and was there helping her and visiting often. She hates me! (She has actually said that to family members). A few random cousins she maybe has seen twice in the past few years are the good ones as is one of my siblings. They can do no wrong. She has also decided some other random people are saints-a hairdresser, her housekeeper, her accountant, a neighbor who avoids her and most recently some random checkout person she just met. I am the worst one on her list (and was closest to her before this decline), but sadly she has chosen a few friends who are now "bad!" I feel for them because they are lovely people. I don't think they have experienced mean alzheimers in their own families (one had a mom who became childlike and remained sweet).

Have you all experienced this? I saw one post here that seemed to echo my experience a while back. Also, any other black sheep out there? It was painful the first year or 2 because she lashed out at me and insulted me so much, but I got therapy and detached and have learned to accept this as something I cannot control. I adapted, but still now and then when I think about it I am stunned by this turn of events. I feel like we are complete strangers and I actually look forward to her forgetting who I am in the hopes then I can be a visiting stranger who she decided she likes. Is there hope for that? Any stories of the afflicted parent forgetting you and finally giving up the hatred? Maybe she would like me more as a stranger than she does as a daughter?

[Anonymous]

This sounds so hard, OP. I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

I think one of the toughest things about Alzheimers is that you lose the person you loved, but they remain alive. Your mom as you knew her is gone and the "real" mom you had was your close friend and adored you. She would probably be horrified at how you are being treated. It is possible that she might move through this hostile phase and get to a better place so she can "like" you again or the stranger "you" when you visit. This would certainly make life more pleasant for you but she would still be "gone."

[Anonymous]

You can’t take people with Alzheimer’s behavior personally. They are no longer themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t take people with Alzheimer’s behavior personally. They are no longer themselves.

The problem is some people become the worst versions of themselves. I just read about this. It's not always a personality change. It can be that they no longer censor their true thoughts and the better qualities fade. That is what some of us deal with. We remember this behavior growing up, but there were so many good memories to ease the pain.

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes, yes! I went through this with my dad. He said the worst things to me for years when he had Alzheimer’s. He constantly told me and other people I was fat. He would yell at me to shut up all the time. He also told me I was bad and wasn’t nice to people. This went on for years and was very painful. Last month, he had a couple of mini-strokes and, all of a sudden, is being very sweet and saying how much he loves me. He had not insulted or yelled at me once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes, yes! I went through this with my dad. He said the worst things to me for years when he had Alzheimer’s. He constantly told me and other people I was fat. He would yell at me to shut up all the time. He also told me I was bad and wasn’t nice to people. This went on for years and was very painful. Last month, he had a couple of mini-strokes and, all of a sudden, is being very sweet and saying how much he loves me. He had not insulted or yelled at me once.

Do you visit him? Do stuff with him and family? Or does he live with you?

The reason I am asking is that it’s much easier to tolerate troublesome behavior when the parent doesn’t spend that much time with you. If he actually lives with you, this would drive me to insanity. I wouldn’t be able to take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes, yes! I went through this with my dad. He said the worst things to me for years when he had Alzheimer’s. He constantly told me and other people I was fat. He would yell at me to shut up all the time. He also told me I was bad and wasn’t nice to people. This went on for years and was very painful. Last month, he had a couple of mini-strokes and, all of a sudden, is being very sweet and saying how much he loves me. He had not insulted or yelled at me once.

Op here. Thank you for sharing this. Made me feel less crazy. I am sorry to hear about the strokes and reluctant to share the outcome gave me hope. The chosen “good” ones don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

as Alzheimers sets in

This is all that matters
My Father who adored his grandchildren - didn't recognize/was scared and was hostile to all his grandsons. Father demanded to see the manager at a restaurant and wanted these "hoodlums" removed. Teenagers Father had adored.

You deal with it. First of all: you do not expect rational behavior from someone who is irrational.

[Anonymous]

Yes!! My Mother was very hurtful. I had to detach a bit, just for self-preservation.

[Anonymous]

Move-over child self. Op, you are now the adult in the room. You are the most reasonable, responsible, level-headed adult in the room. You also need to be the least emotional. It is no longer about you and your needs. It just isn't.

[Anonymous]

My Father didn't know me, in old age, but liked me. It could happen Op. No way to plan tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move-over child self. Op, you are now the adult in the room. You are the most reasonable, responsible, level-headed adult in the room. You also need to be the least emotional. It is no longer about you and your needs. It just isn't.

Teenagers may be challenging, but they can accept you are the adult. Good luck trying to be the adult with a belligerent and hateful elder throwing verbal daggers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes, yes! I went through this with my dad. He said the worst things to me for years when he had Alzheimer’s. He constantly told me and other people I was fat. He would yell at me to shut up all the time. He also told me I was bad and wasn’t nice to people. This went on for years and was very painful. Last month, he had a couple of mini-strokes and, all of a sudden, is being very sweet and saying how much he loves me. He had not insulted or yelled at me once.

Do you visit him? Do stuff with him and family? Or does he live with you?

The reason I am asking is that it’s much easier to tolerate troublesome behavior when the parent doesn’t spend that much time with you. If he actually lives with you, this would drive me to insanity. I wouldn’t be able to take it.

He does not live with me but I've had to live with him for several long stretches during the pandemic. (He would get sick and hospitalized and we were trying to keep him out of rehab places.) I always left in tears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, yes, yes! I went through this with my dad. He said the worst things to me for years when he had Alzheimer’s. He constantly told me and other people I was fat. He would yell at me to shut up all the time. He also told me I was bad and wasn’t nice to people. This went on for years and was very painful. Last month, he had a couple of mini-strokes and, all of a sudden, is being very sweet and saying how much he loves me. He had not insulted or yelled at me once.

Op here. Thank you for sharing this. Made me feel less crazy. I am sorry to hear about the strokes and reluctant to share the outcome gave me hope. The chosen “good” ones don’t get it.

As awful as it sounds, I am glad for this time because maybe it will help me in the future be at peace with who he is.

[Anonymous]

It’s very common for the elderly parent to be meanest and most critical to the child who provides the most caregiving.